Day 31: In class blogging.

Well ain't I a rebel, blogging in class. Of course i have my phone hidden kind of so its no big deal but still. 

So chest pains have persisted. Hahaha i want to implode. What is even going on with me? 

I have homework tonight, quite a bit. College algebra, ap lit, apes... It just never ends, this homework cycle. 

Maybe I'll go to Kenzie's after school maybe that will be nice. 

Well I'm hungry. 

And being horribly boring! 

So I guess I'll be done for today, since nothing of interest has happened. 

Hope you have a lovely day.

Love, 

Grace

Day 30: Doctor's and science fiction.

So, I am perfectly healthy! We think the bouts of chest pain were just stress, so joy to the world about that! :)

In other news, my friend Kenzie has something important to tell me and I'm kind of freaking out. What does she have to tell me? Has she been denied to where she wants to go for college? Is she mad at me? Is there something wrong? Is she sick? is her mom sick? Is she moving? Whatttt?

I'm so worried.

Hopefully I don't get stressed out again and hurt myself at dance. That would be horrifying. If I feel any chest pain I'm sitting out, that's it, nada, done, finito.

We've already been over the dance thing, so I won't reiterate but... seriously. Why today, why when I have so much to do and so little motivation.

Well in more other news, I have chosen Dune as my science fiction independent reading book. Yes, I have chosen to be the queen of the geeks.

And i have to read The Tower of Babylon tonight and I feel like it not.

I'm just so goddamn lazy lately.

I hate senioritis.

Screw me, I'm just making excuses. I'm just so very done with high school and having these eight hour days with no breaks and not having my own choices. I'm so ready for college, to try new things.

So some call it senioritis. I call it being a lazy ass piece of shit who needs to get her act together.

I'll get it all done by tomorrow. I have Tower of Babylon reading and AP questions to answer. I'll be fine. I'll get it all done. Breathe, Grace, breathe.

I know most people say hold onto your teenage years, stop trying to throw them away, stop trying to be an adult, but I feel so ready to be n adult. Hell, I think my head has been ready since I was four years old. Maybe an exaggeration, but I just feel ready for the world. I'm so excited to start a life, to start a career, to start a family. I want children, I want to help people, I want to help the environment, and I want to write. And by god, I will try to have all of those.

I just... I've wanted to be a writer since I was a kid. I've loved nature and wanted to help people since I was a kid. I've wanted to be a mother since I was a kid. I just want the things I've been dreaming of since I was little. I never dreamed of being a teenager, I just dreamed of being me.

And, hopefully, soon, I'll get to be me.

And that's the most exciting part of college. Being me.

I hope you can be yourself everyday of your life, because being yourself is glorious.

Just be beautiful you.

Love,

Grace

Day 29: I better see a doctor soon.

Ok, chest pain persists. And I'm sleepy and I'm sad and I barely got anything done because I was too worried about my goddamn chest or it hurt too much.

So let's say not starting off to be the best day.

But of course its probably not good to skip.

Even though I want to not go to school today more than anything.

I thought I had a lot more to say than this, but I guess I don't. I guess today just kind of sucks.

I guess let's hope I'm ok and I get to see a doctor soon.

Love,

Grace

Day 28.5: Chest pains and... still homework.

So maybe I'm the worst student in the world.

Screw it, I kind of am. But senioritis, man. I was a perfect student before this semester now I can barely get my arse to do anything.

Also I have chest pains that are so irritable that I kind of want to cry, so...

I feel like I should get a free homework pass or something.

I'm also excessively tired for some reason.

Why? I do not know.

Its been an interesting day to say the least.

And now mom's freaking out about my chest pains.

I guess I sort of am too but I'm holding it all together for her. Hopefully I can see a doctor sometimes soon. That might be helpful.

Wish me luck.

Love,

Grace

Day 28: Picture day and homework

Homework. Always on Sunday, is the ever looming homework.

I have a chapter to read, another chapter to read for a different class, an article to read and write a one page summary on, music to look over.. the list seems endless.

It'll probably only take me a couple hours but, still. Its stressful.

Ooh, I put on some lipstick, now I am fully prepared for today.

Not really I'm not normally a lipstick girl but, today's my final picture day ever so why not.

So, ever since I was born my Mom has taken me to JCPenney to take yearly pictures. I've had one from age one to now age eighteen. And this is my final one. Its sad but also exciting. Sad my childhood is gone, exciting that I'm moving onto my next stage in life.

Also fun because we always go shopping afterwards too.

Regardless, its an interesting day, with homework, Superbowl, pictures, and such.

Going to be honest, the senioritis is starting to hit me, hard. So this copious pile of homework does not bode well for me. I'll probably just end up doing the bare minimum that won't get me killed on Monday.

So basically read one chapter for APES and read the article. I'm so goddamn lazy lately, forserious.

Anyway, I've noticed that people my age have trouble letting go of things and moving on with life. This troubles me. For example, if you don't know what I mean, people my age cling to dying relationships. The ever present "break-up/get back together" couple. Ok, maybe this is a cruel assessment. Maybe its more of a human problem, because I know adults this way too. They can't accept when something isn't working, when love just isn't enough, and hold onto things that do nothing but hurt them.

On the flip side, there are also people who throw relationships away too fast. I was one of those people, but I hope to stop that pattern.

So I guess, like always, its the goal to find a happy medium. Where you try hard enough, but you also know when trying isn't enough anymore. That's tough, finding that middle ground. Porbably why relationships are so messy.

Sorry, I just ranted about this last night so its in the forefront of my mind.

Regardless, happy medium. It always seems to be the best.

I hope you find your happy medium.

Love,

Grace

Day 26: Cake and other disappointments

So today i was supposed to throw a baby surprise birthday party for my friend. But all my friends are sick so it didnt happen so i simply have presents and a cake at my house for no reason. 

I mean I obviously can't blame them for simple sickness, but its still disappointing. 

On the plus side no one has been commenting on my story on figment. Whoot!

And by whoot I mean more disappointment. 

Oh and my essay sucked today. So the disappointment continues!

Its just a rough day. 

I hope it gets better. Its just no fun and very stressful. 

Struggle number one is still that dad's still  upset. So I guess i'm just hoping everything gets better. 

Cheers to better days. 

Hope you're doing okay. 

Love,

Grace

Day 27: First bathtub blog

We knew this was coming. Knowing how lazy I can be, and also how busy I can be, a bathtub blog was imminent. 

I have about three events to get to today. Ok maybe two, but being my brother's basketball game and my friend's eagle court of honor, they're pretty big things. 

I'm working with a couple people to edit my whole novel, but two are beginning to slack and another has done nothing so far. So joy. 

I don't blame the one who has done nothing, we just recently started conversing about the novella, Blue. So hopefully she gets done with that pretty quickly and such. 

So my ex started a blog about his life. And i secretly read every entry. Am I messed up? 

Yeah, kind of. I'm the one who broke up with him way back when, so I really should not be so interested in his life.

But I am.

I feel like I might still care, but seeing that he avoids me like the plague, its doomed. So oh well. 

Last spring was the last time we really talked, and he kissed me and I was too chicken to say I still cared. So he cut me off and its been a mess. I was a good solid mess for a couple months, dreaming about him and waking up crying. I think my heart broke so profusely because I could have fallen in love with him, it could have been something special, but he was too scared of it, of me, to let it happen andso there we are. 

A chance at something special gone. 

It just kills me how close we were to it and then... Nothing.

All because we both were too scared to do anything. 

I hate myself profusely for running away from that one. But I guess it just teaches me not to run from something that could be really good anymore. 

I miss him, still. I glance at him and class and miss his dumb jokes and awkward flirting and long talks about life and important things. I miss all we were two years ago. 

But I guess its over now. Nothing I can do. I can't make him want me. 

He wants this other girl, in his opera class. She's really pretty and seems very nice. I can't really try to get in the middle of that, if he really cares for her. 

So alone I go. I have friends, sure. Kenzie and Michael mean the world to me. But alone on the relationships front. 

I just want a chance at that happiness. But no one wants me. 

That's always a sad feeling. That no one wants you. But I guess I've grown accustomed to it. 

Such is life. 

I hope you run into them today, someone you love. I hope its the beginning of something magical. 

Love, 

Grace