Day 25.5: My writing style

Ok, truth time.

On here I understand I'm mostly kind of joking and shit, but my main writing style is dark.

Well I've realized that terrifies people.

Make up a fake twitter as a fake alter ego to vent out my depressing, writing thoughts?

And your friends go ape-shit thinking you're depressed at all moments and that they need to walk on eggshells to deal with you, so don't do it. Ever. I swear to you, do NOT do it.

I ruined a friendship because of shit on my alter ego twitter.

And now I don't trust her and our relationship is non-existent.

So yeah, don't do it.

*And if you're late to the party, said friend, if you haven't guessed, is the infamous Mandy*

Its just...

I write darkly. I write darkly to counteract my happy. It keeps me grounded and pleasant and writing helps me think out the bad thoughts and get them out of my system.

Never make a twitter account to do this, and certainly don't add real life friends. Because they flip out and think you're going to lose it.

Even when most of the time you're perfectly fine and just reflecting on life a little bit.

I dunno, it was just a mess. And now Kenzie's upset with me about it and its just A GOSH DARN MESS.

That was accidental caps lock but it works well enough.

I just, it wasn't my shining moment. I was letting them into my world and they rejected it. They feared it. I guess that's what bothered me so much more. I trusted them with my thoughts and they rejected them and feared me for them.

I'm trying not to be mad at Kenzie too, but she's bringing up all my mistakes, running away, etc, and throwing them at my face like its supposed to make me see her point of view.

I get her point of view. I wrote sad things and I scared her.

But I always write sad things.

Blue, Sunshine Girl, and Finding Eve Montez make me want to cry just thinking about what happens in them sometimes.

Its just who I am. and I guess I'm sad that they find it so offensive, so bothersome, such a problem.

Well Mandy at least did. I'm currently confused about Kenzie.

I hope it works out between Kenzie and I. I really do love her and she isn't one to be an asshole about pushing my buttons and trying to get to me.

That's Mandy's thing.

Ouch sorry I'm still bitter.

Anyway, I hope things with friends are going well for you!

At least writing is lovely for me.

Love,

Grace

Day 25: Dance and scholars and other riff-raff.

I dance. That is a little known fact about me.

Why?

Because I barely talk about it. Because I enjoy it, but its not my passion ,so in some ways I feel like I'm always letting down the girls around me. Because its fun, and I'm ok at it, but I want to express myself in ways other than dance. Like writing.

One final year and I'll be done with the stress of dance. I'm so thankful.

Don't get me wrong, its been a fun run. I've done it since i was four, and I've always enjoyed the exercise. But the mandatory practices? The obligation to work very hard as to not disappoint your other classmates? That pressure is a lot to take when you don't even love something.

I love writing. I love science. I love the written language, and I love the history of things. Those, I'll do wonderful at. I'll love to be counted on in those subjects. But dancing?

Its too much pressure. I'm ecstatic to be almost done with it.

I've had a fun fourteen years, but dance has run its course for me. I'm only joining yoga or zumba club at the college when I go. Something I can miss without too much hassle, but still get decent exercise. Hell, I may just dance around my room and walk everywhere and that might be good enough.

On the flip side, I got sent a letter recommending me for a scholars program at the university I want to go to. That's majorly exciting. And I can join the scholars program as well as be in the environmental science program, so WHOOT!

I'm so excited for college, I'm just dying to leave. I feel bad, for I love my family and I love being with them, but I just feel ready to start the new part of my life. I'm just so ready for it.

I'm so ready to be a scientist and help the world.

I'm so ready to start study abroad programs.

I'm so ready to possibly move to Africa and help with the animals or the farming or water there, help make the lives of these people in Africa better.

I'm so ready to get published and be an author, talking about the issues of the world.

I'm so ready to maybe even write a novel about Africa once I get there and learn what its like.

I'm just so ready to begin my individual life and make a name for myself.

I'm just so ready.

Are you ready?

Love,

Grace

Day 24.5: First submission

So, since my editing partners are going so slow on Figment, I decided to do the one thing I've been terrified of and yet dying to do since i finished Blue.

I sent in a submission about the novella to an agency.

EEP!

Isn't that exciting?

This place is called Serendipity agency, and it seems pretty cool, so hopefully they like my story. Hopefully they are an itsy bit interested. I can hope, at least.

I just hope it works out well. I hope this starts something. I hope this is the beginning.

I know lots of great authors get rejected often, but it would just be cool for things to work out. It would be a great first submission.

I'm just excited and hoping it works out for me.

Honestly, my biggest dream is to one day wheedle myself into the English curriculum. I would practically die if that occurred. Be it contemporary lit classes, or if i play my cars right, AP Lit or AP Lang classes. I know I'm dreaming big but it would literally be my forever dream.

I can die happy if one of my novels/novellas sneak their way into the school curriculum. Or if my teachers are so proud of me they have kids read it as a bonus or something.

I'm cocky and hopeful when it comes to writing, I know, but I just have to dream. It would be awesome.

I'm just hopeful that all my dreams will come true.

Wish me luck!

I certainly wish you luck on your dreams every day :)

Love,

 Grace

Day 24: Snow daze and book babies

I feel like I should do work on these snow days.

But the bitter cold of the north is less than appetizing for good work. Its more just a dreary, laid back day type day feeling.

Yet, I must get some work. Be it schoolwork or Sunshine Girl or Finding Eve Montez.

I certainly hope I get something done. I've only written plot ideas for Finding Eve Montez, and I have to write in an entire perspective throughout the book and a funeral for Sunshine Girl, so a good 15,000 more words O_O.

I have shit tons of work.

Well, writing wise. I do.

I don't quite have a deadline, but I have a mental deadline for Sunshine Girl. I want it done before I go to Disney World for spring break, and I want to be sending Blue off to agents by then. So April. April is hopefully when things will start kicking into gear and such :) I'm so excited. I hope it all works out well.

I want to help pay for my college. I want to start making a name for myself. I just want to do stuff and have it matter, dammit. I will make it matter.

I have gotten a lot of ambition in the past few months. I'm not sure if its good or bad.

I just feel that storytelling is such an art form, and though I would gladly do it for free, I'd love to help my parents pay for college. I'd love to not have to take out so many loans. I'd love to have my pen name known throughout the world.

Sorry to bum you out if you already didn't know, but Grace Jordan is my pen-name, not my real name. But i intend to use it in my writing and hopefully, get literary esteem with it.

Cocky, maybe. I don't know. I'm not saying I'm the best. But I have things to say and I feel they're important and it would benefit people to hear them. I have things to say about issues of the world, like depression, abuse, homosexuality, suicide. And I feel they're really important things to say. This is why I find Blue, Sunshine Girl, and Finding Eve Montez so important to me. Because they're not just wholly some story I made up; these are real things that happen to real people. I may be entranced by horror and gore and violence, but its not the stuff that feels so real that it gets to you. Its the people, its the reality, its the true lives touched by these things.

And I just feel that maybe, just maybe, these stories may raise awareness about the things I care so much about. Maybe I'm not an expert on abuse, or homosexuality, or even depression even though I have been a victim of it, but I seem to be pretty good at making people feel other people, to feel how they feel, to feel their pain. To make people simply feel.

I dunno. I wish my babies luck as I finish them and begin carting them off to agents and then to publishers. I hope, sincerely, that they can make a difference.

I just want them to make someone think or feel, maybe just for a second. Then it would be worth it.

I just want my book children to make a difference in this world, and to matter. Isn't that what every sort of mother wants?

Wish my babies luck, you.

And maybe they'll touch you one day too.

Love,

Grace

Day 23: I don't want to though

The struggle of not wanting to do something.

I love dance, ok maybe not love, but i like dance, its fun, but today.

NOOOOO

N to the O to the absolutely NOT

We had a snow day today so it just feels... wrong going ot dance. It feels awful. It feels bad. I just do not want to do it.

And this is a downside of being a high school senior, instead of getting a say in the matter, my mother has just said no.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. 

But I really have no desire to go. I could be doing work during that time. Work that I only want to do during that time. I just feel it very unnecessary to go when going would make me hate today and make me stay up quite late doing the work I would have done during that time.

Night is my homework time. Night and early morning.

Not this afternoon bullshit!

So basically, I am not giving up on this front. I do not want to go to dance tonight, and I think I might put my foot down on this. Seriously. I'm not going to learn much if I just hate being there while I'm there anyway.

So no dance for me!

I literally cannot go today without being majorly annoyed. So no.

I can't.

Snow day for school = snow day for dance.

End of story, please.

I guess I just don't love it like i used to. Which is fine, whatever, I'll muscle through this year. But I shouldn't also be forced to go when I really don't want to.

And also when I have homework to do.  

Ugh.

She better not make me go to dance.

I pray for my poor little soul i don't have to go. Help me pray.

Have a lovely day, I suppose.

Love,

Grace

 

Day 22: Sunshine Girl and Finding Eve Montez

So, two new projects ahead for me.

Sunshine Girl, a story of abuse.

And Finding Eve Montez, a story about homosexuality.

I'm quite excited for both, honestly. The only struggle is I don't know what to work on most. I love Sunshine Girl, but maybe I should put that on a back burner and focus on Finding Eve Montez, because it seems to be a more interesting story involving chatrooms, bullying, falling for and losing friends, faking your life to make others happy...

I dunno. Something about Eve Montez intrigues me.

What I know about Eve so far is that she is strong, but very confused. She is very passionate about softball and about family, but she doesn't know how she'll be treated if she ever comes out. She's brave, but bravery does not always fare well.

But i also adore Sunshine Girl, the story of an abused daughter who loves her father too much and is too attached to his memories to stop him.

Oh well, we shall see how this goes. I just refinished Sunshine Girl so that one's likely to get on my publishing list next.

Yay depressing shit!

I feel so emotionally drained you don't even know.

Wish me luck on writing!

I wish you luck on life.

Love,

Grace

Day 21.5: Its over.

Its all over.

I want to go back, I wish it more than anything, but I can't.

We've gone too far, and we can't go back now.

Its like my favorite Andrew Paul Woodworth song, Starting To Turn.

"I know, I must be caught, in between what, I  want and should say, and we know deep in the well of my heart, I really want to stay... But I'm already starting to turn away."

I kind of am living this song right now. You should really look it up, its tragically beautiful.

It just hurts. But I know I made the right call for my sanity. I couldn't take that friendship anymore. It was so painfully toxic. So toxic.

It wasn't good for either of us. And it hurts a lot, just like a break up, but I honestly think its for the best. Otherwise we'd truly begin to hate each other.

We just weren't right for each other anymore. We got on each other's nerves too often, we are too irritated with each other, we simply don't see eye to eye anymore. And we certainly don't understand one another anymore.

I'd love to just say she doesn't get me anymore, and put her as the one at fault, but honestly, I don't get her anymore either. I don't understand why she does what she does. All I do is piss myself off trying to figure it out.

It was a good friendship. And we had some great times. But its over now, and I have to be ok with that.

I have to live with my choice.

It was a hard choice to make, and maybe it was 'the easy way out', but I know me, and I know that I can't take anymore fights and I don't think she could either.

I wish apologizing could fix it all. But it can't. Sometimes things stay broken.

And we're broken.

Maybe she'll hate me for my decision. I don't know. But I had to stop us from stabbing ourselves in the heart all the time by being friends. I couldn't take the pain anymore.

Its hard to let go of relationships you've grown comfortable in. Hell, its why so many people wrong for each other stick together for so long. Because its simply comfortable to. Its simply familiar.

But someone's got to look at the relationship and realize when enough is enough.

And I don't think any of my friends agree with me, and maybe they'll all hate me for it, but I had to call it with Mandy. I had to call it off. There was no other logical choice.

Maybe I'm heartless, maybe I'm cruel, maybe i made the wrong decision. But I made it and I can't turn back now.

I'm already starting to turn away.

Its painful, but it happens. And now I just have to live with it.

Here's to loving.

Cheers, dears.

Love,

Grace