Day 45: Biggest idiot

Oh, I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about the boy I liked.

So he likes this new girl right? They've hung out once, only talked a few days, etc...

They're fucking dating.

I haven't seen this kind of dumb shit since I was thirteen. Freaking THIRTEEN.

They barely know each other. They've barely talked. If this works out I'm burning all my clothes and joining a convent, I swear, because this is the dumbest shit...

But I've already called it to Kenzie, I doubt this relationship will work. Its based mostly, from what I've heard, on physical attraction. That is the dumbest shit to base a relationship off. I hope the relationship dies quickly so I can laugh at them.

Yeah, this is the evil side of me, but I haven't been this pissed off since the New Year's Fight with Mandy. So I think its pretty good I've gone over two months without wanting to shovel murder people.

Oh well, I'll look hella nice from now on just to show all the boys who rejected me. Happiness is the best revenge. Show them they can't phase me.
\
Hope your week gets better.

I hope you show them.

Love,

Garce

Day 44.5: Well, nevermind on that

So, boy changed his mind about me. We didn't hang out. He doesn't have feelings for me anymore.

Every time lately. Every time boys don't want me. What the hell?

The only common denominator is me. So of course I think its my fault.

First my ex, and Alan, and now this boy. Its killing me. I can't handle so much rejection.

He met another girl. He hung out with her once and suddenly I mean nothing to him. Its killer, man, really. Two weeks i know isn't a long time but you'd think it meant something more than a few days.

And fuck. He described what he had with her as 'instant attraction'. Relationships based on only instant attraction don't tend to work out; the slow growing ones tend to, at least from what I've seen. Slow growing ones that involve friendship and shit not just instant fucking attraction. I'm sorry for so much swearing I'm just in between depressed and pissed and its a weird place.

And my ex, I can't. I miss him so goddamn much and I thought I was getting over him, truly, with this new relationship but then the boy had to fuck it up and not only make me sad about him but also about my ex all over again.

The new relationship wasn't perfect, and it certainly wasn't that strong yet. But it was something, it was hope, and he killed it.

I don't need a relationship to validate my life. But it would be nice to car for a guy and have him care back. That hasn't happened all year.

Well it happened for a short while. and once it was gone it sucked.

I just miss feeling like I mattered already.

Its just hard to think about the new boy, and my ex. So stark differences but both had such potential. More my ex than the new boy but still. I want to try instead of just giving up. Why do people always give up?

Why do I give up?

Maybe I'll think about conversing with my ex again I dunno its probably a bad idea but I always miss him and that's not healthy. But I also still want to talk to new boy even though we'd only be friends. I'm not sure what's going on in my head anymore or what's good for me. I just feel so many things right now.

I feel like I'm grasping at straws but there's no straws to be had.

I just miss people. I just want to be wanted by people I care for.

I'm so needy.

Hope your week is going a LOT better than mine.

Love,

Grace

Day 44: Turned on by everything

I basically had a dream where I  was willing to jump on anyone, even a girl and I am very not attracted to women. So obviously my hormones are on overdrive lately.

That might not bode well if the boy and I hang out today haha

But seriously. I hope nothing too sexual happens, we have only been talking for two weeks and only hung out twice if you count today. O_O I don't need to push things too fast.

I just really like him. And I really want him to kiss me. Is that so bad?

Considering I'm willing to jump anyone right now, maybe kind of.

Oh, hormones.

Anyway, Kenzie's contemplating ending it with Mandy. She can't take it much longer. Mandy is stressful and doesn't keep promises and is hurtful to others and Kenzie isn't sure she can handle it anymore. What fucking sucks though is that we have no clue what Mandy might do if she loses everything. She's lost the boy, she's lost most of me, what will she do if she loses Kenzie too?

We don't know what to do with her.

Its not healthy to be around her but at the same time we don't want her to kill herself.

I just yawned. I hate yawning.

I digress.

I just don't know. I know its not healthy to be around her but I don't want to completely lose her either. I don't want her to lose it without us.


Its been an upsetting week to say the least. I just hope it gets better.

Hopefully I do hang out with the boy. If I don't I guess its ok, I'll be disappointed but I'll live. I can make plans with Kierra or something.

I just really hope things get better.

Love,

Grace

Day 43: Talk dirty to me and other stresses

I am addicted to the song talk dirty to me, which is funny enough tied to the topic i want to talk about today.

Birth control. I'm contemplating going on it. Not only because milder periods, but because I don't know what will happen to me sexually in the next couple months O_O yes, that is a reference to the new boy and how attracted to him I am and who knows what'll happen between us, and all that jazz.

But yeah that's the gist of my sexual stories.

But I'm also stressed about Kenzie not doing school work, and Mandy's safety, and other stresses. Its funny, after writing my stress paper for AP Psych I got hella stressed out. Thanks, teacher.

Ahh he texted me.

I'm such a three year old.

I really like him though, be it personality wise and physically. I dunno, he's just lovely and hopefully we do hang out Saturday. If we don't, its ok, but if we do it would rock.

Ok, not much else to say. I updated about stress and sex life so...

Wish me luck!

Love,

Grace

Day 42: I'm a mess

I'm angry.

I'm worried.

I'm manic.

I'm a genuine mess.

Well, I can tell I'm a little manic because I've found little use in sleeping and I've gotten shit tons of work done lately and I'm happy and hyper and a little spazzy. I've been flirting up a storm and I've been turned on like crazy and I dunno its just a mess.

Things with the boy and I are going well. Really well. I know I've said this before but we might hang out Saturday and I'm super excited.

And Mandy. We didn't talk today, like we were supposed to. Instead she auditioned for a musical she wants honestly nothing to do with so? I don't know why she's crazy? She's just going to complain about it the entire time.

I digress.

We didn't get to talk and honestly at this point I don't know if we ever will. I don't know if I want us to. I don't know.

I just want to be happy and do all my homework tonight haha.

Stress paper (how ironic) and a reflection on an article I had to read. It'll be fun.

And then of course, in the morning, it'll be math and chapter reading guide. I'll get it all done its no worries, really. Its just a bit of work and I always am able to manage everything so, whoot!

I just need to get the motivation to start any of it. That's the real struggle.

Its only about an hour or two of homework so its not really that bad, I'm just lazy as hell. That's the true problem. Senioritis has got me like POW.

I sound like a character from Borderlands 2 now, what fun.

Anyway, hope everyone's doing well. Mania for everyone!

Not really. Mania is a mess.

Anyway.

Good luck!

Love,

Grace

Day 41.5: Shitty ass day

I don't know why, but I feel awful today.

The boy I like has ignored all my texts today. He hasn't texted me at all. That shouldn't twig me out so much, if we weren't used to texting every day and now this is freaking me out.

And I was sleepy all day and slept in about three classes. It was awful I felt so lazy and shit.

And we didn't have a snow day, though I wanted one.

And tomorrow i talk to Mandy, and I don't know how that will go. Part of me wants it done to see how it works, another would rather jump off a cliff that rehash that bullshit.

And honestly I just felt an overwhelming feeling of awfulness. It was terrible. Its not been my most shining days. And I'm an optimist for Christ-sake.

I'm just feeling shitty. I guess everyone has these days, but I just am not used to it. And if it wasn't so close to competition, I'd beg to miss dance, but its only a bit away and no one can afford to miss right now, really.

So ergo today sucks and I have to study for a test and get all this work done to study for it that I have no desire to get done and ahhh.

Might as well jump off the proverbial cliff now.

Between Mandy and the boy and schoolwork I am not happy. I am just sick of being a screw up. I just want things to go well.

Oh, Grace, do not cry. Do not start this now. You have class.

Ok, I think I'll be ok. I pray I'll be ok.

Its just a rough day when you already feel like shit and then nobody really acts like they care to notice you.

I hope tomorrow's better, for everyone.

Love,

Grace

Day 41: What am I getting myself into

I'm falling for him. Why does that terrify me so much?

Maybe because I'm the queen of having the shit terrified out of me, and the queen of being convinced everyone will leave me.

Maybe because I'm genuinely terrified of most things.

And maybe because after he accidentally mildly compared something I said to Mandy, I might be flipping out worried that I'm nothing but another fling to him. That I'm not special.

I need to breathe. I really need to breath. he probably meant nothing by it, but its still terrifying. I don't want this to not matter. All I want is for it to matter.Its nice to feel like you matter.

Its been almost two weeks of straight talking and I'm beginning to fall. I don't know if that's good for me, based on the fact I tend to fall too fast and this is one of my slower departures from sanity, or if its bad, and still seems too fast. I'm not crazy head over heels for him, no, but i can feel the feelings on the tip of my tongue, just begging to be true, just begging to be special.

And the crazy part is I think I might be special. He says I'm pretty and he's attracted to me and that I am awesome and he enjoys my company, but is that enough? Wow i'm being needy as fuck. It should be enough. I just always am so uncertain about other people's feelings unless they're 100% upfront with me about them, and always assume the worst until they are.

I really like him. I want this tot turn into something special, something tangible.

Maybe with time it will,I just have to be patient. And, for today, I'll just let him text me first so I'm not an annoying piece of shit.

Yep, yep, yep.

Love is a mess.

Hope you have better confidence about it.

Love,

Grace