Day 48: Summer Nights

Everything right now is a beautiful disaster.

First of all, let's gleefully ignore the fact that Grace fucked up again on commitment and is now blogging a month later.

Other than that...

I'm graduated.

I'm a fucking it.

I am not preparing that much for college yet, and I'm done with high school. I'm not a college kid nor a high school kid. I'm an it.

I'm falling head over heels for that guy, Stephen. He's nice and lovable and hot all rolled up in one fun package that I pray to see again every day. I don't know what's going to happen with us but honestly I don't know if I care. I just love being around him and being with him and having him want me. Jesus, all that boy has to do is want me around and I'm putty in his hands. I'm a mess haha.

I'm falling for the way he texts me good morning, and the way he's there when I'm horny or horrified, how he wants to cuddle with me and also do unspeakable things to me, how he accepts my crazy and always want to help with it, the way he's never taking anything too seriously, but seriously enough so that I don't feel like his mother the way it was with Alan sometimes. And moreover, I adore how I can just be me around him, and how unnaturally comfortable I am with telling him almost everything.

The scary part though, is that I never end out well with boys. But we shall see.

On the flip side, I'm excited and scared shitless of college. In one aspect, I get to grow up and meet new people and work on being me, on the other hand, I'm literally leaving almost every fucking person who has managed to still love me in my eighteen years behind. That is scary.

I mean i know a couple kids who will be going to school with me, even those I haven't gotten close to yet, so I will still have them, but cmon, its still scary. I'm leaving Kenzie, and Michael, and Stephen and they are my core people right now. Losing people is my greatest fear, and by gonig away I'll be throwing them out the window.

Hopefully I can still keep them. Hopefully we don't grow apart. I don't need that, and I don't want it.

I don't know what else to say.

College is scary but awesome.

I love boys.

The end.

Love,

Grace

Day 47: After Prom

So last night was prom.

Let's just say it was a hot mess.

Kenzie was sick all night, the boy I'm a little interested in, Stephen, had his ex hanging on him all night, and I never got to dance with him, Alan was being weird, Michael and his girlfriend were super weird, and it was all bleh.

I mean, it could have gone worse, I suppose.

And there were a few shining moments in which I was elated, but they were few and far between.

I guess I really don't have much else to say about that.

Fruitless fantasy turned into shambled sham.

I wasn't expecting Prom to be the best night of my life, by far, but I was hopnig for a little better than this.

I mean, the boat we were on was nice, so there's that.

I just feel emotionally drained sooo...

Yeah.

Bye.

Love,

Grace

Day 46(Sort of): Grace is at it again.

So I, being the ever inconsistent Grace, had stopped this blog. But I want to restart it. It'll help me remind myself to write as often as I can.

So, so much has happened I don't know what to say.

I'm completely over dumb-boy. I still find his dating situation a little rash, but they seem happy, so I guess its whatever.

I'm in the RISE program and the academic scholars program at MSU, so success! I guess that's a plus.

I'm majorly stressed about college money, because so far I have no scholarships, no aid, nada. Sooo... Trying not to think about that.

I might like a new boy. Do I like him? am I just lonely? I'm not sure. His name's Stephen and we're good friends. Today we hung out all day at choir festival and we had a ton of fun. So I don't know how I feel. I know his history with women and such and I just... I dunno. He's nice, and I have one friend telling me he's cool and nice (Michael) and one friend telling me he's a piece of shit (Mandy) but it is Mandy, and Michael may be biased, so I dunno. Maybe a summer fling will be in the cards for one Grace Jordan, who knows.

Now studying for AP Psych. Final test in that class, thank goodness.

So yup.

Night!

Love,

Grace

Day 45: Biggest idiot

Oh, I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about the boy I liked.

So he likes this new girl right? They've hung out once, only talked a few days, etc...

They're fucking dating.

I haven't seen this kind of dumb shit since I was thirteen. Freaking THIRTEEN.

They barely know each other. They've barely talked. If this works out I'm burning all my clothes and joining a convent, I swear, because this is the dumbest shit...

But I've already called it to Kenzie, I doubt this relationship will work. Its based mostly, from what I've heard, on physical attraction. That is the dumbest shit to base a relationship off. I hope the relationship dies quickly so I can laugh at them.

Yeah, this is the evil side of me, but I haven't been this pissed off since the New Year's Fight with Mandy. So I think its pretty good I've gone over two months without wanting to shovel murder people.

Oh well, I'll look hella nice from now on just to show all the boys who rejected me. Happiness is the best revenge. Show them they can't phase me.
\
Hope your week gets better.

I hope you show them.

Love,

Garce

Day 44.5: Well, nevermind on that

So, boy changed his mind about me. We didn't hang out. He doesn't have feelings for me anymore.

Every time lately. Every time boys don't want me. What the hell?

The only common denominator is me. So of course I think its my fault.

First my ex, and Alan, and now this boy. Its killing me. I can't handle so much rejection.

He met another girl. He hung out with her once and suddenly I mean nothing to him. Its killer, man, really. Two weeks i know isn't a long time but you'd think it meant something more than a few days.

And fuck. He described what he had with her as 'instant attraction'. Relationships based on only instant attraction don't tend to work out; the slow growing ones tend to, at least from what I've seen. Slow growing ones that involve friendship and shit not just instant fucking attraction. I'm sorry for so much swearing I'm just in between depressed and pissed and its a weird place.

And my ex, I can't. I miss him so goddamn much and I thought I was getting over him, truly, with this new relationship but then the boy had to fuck it up and not only make me sad about him but also about my ex all over again.

The new relationship wasn't perfect, and it certainly wasn't that strong yet. But it was something, it was hope, and he killed it.

I don't need a relationship to validate my life. But it would be nice to car for a guy and have him care back. That hasn't happened all year.

Well it happened for a short while. and once it was gone it sucked.

I just miss feeling like I mattered already.

Its just hard to think about the new boy, and my ex. So stark differences but both had such potential. More my ex than the new boy but still. I want to try instead of just giving up. Why do people always give up?

Why do I give up?

Maybe I'll think about conversing with my ex again I dunno its probably a bad idea but I always miss him and that's not healthy. But I also still want to talk to new boy even though we'd only be friends. I'm not sure what's going on in my head anymore or what's good for me. I just feel so many things right now.

I feel like I'm grasping at straws but there's no straws to be had.

I just miss people. I just want to be wanted by people I care for.

I'm so needy.

Hope your week is going a LOT better than mine.

Love,

Grace

Day 44: Turned on by everything

I basically had a dream where I  was willing to jump on anyone, even a girl and I am very not attracted to women. So obviously my hormones are on overdrive lately.

That might not bode well if the boy and I hang out today haha

But seriously. I hope nothing too sexual happens, we have only been talking for two weeks and only hung out twice if you count today. O_O I don't need to push things too fast.

I just really like him. And I really want him to kiss me. Is that so bad?

Considering I'm willing to jump anyone right now, maybe kind of.

Oh, hormones.

Anyway, Kenzie's contemplating ending it with Mandy. She can't take it much longer. Mandy is stressful and doesn't keep promises and is hurtful to others and Kenzie isn't sure she can handle it anymore. What fucking sucks though is that we have no clue what Mandy might do if she loses everything. She's lost the boy, she's lost most of me, what will she do if she loses Kenzie too?

We don't know what to do with her.

Its not healthy to be around her but at the same time we don't want her to kill herself.

I just yawned. I hate yawning.

I digress.

I just don't know. I know its not healthy to be around her but I don't want to completely lose her either. I don't want her to lose it without us.


Its been an upsetting week to say the least. I just hope it gets better.

Hopefully I do hang out with the boy. If I don't I guess its ok, I'll be disappointed but I'll live. I can make plans with Kierra or something.

I just really hope things get better.

Love,

Grace

Day 43: Talk dirty to me and other stresses

I am addicted to the song talk dirty to me, which is funny enough tied to the topic i want to talk about today.

Birth control. I'm contemplating going on it. Not only because milder periods, but because I don't know what will happen to me sexually in the next couple months O_O yes, that is a reference to the new boy and how attracted to him I am and who knows what'll happen between us, and all that jazz.

But yeah that's the gist of my sexual stories.

But I'm also stressed about Kenzie not doing school work, and Mandy's safety, and other stresses. Its funny, after writing my stress paper for AP Psych I got hella stressed out. Thanks, teacher.

Ahh he texted me.

I'm such a three year old.

I really like him though, be it personality wise and physically. I dunno, he's just lovely and hopefully we do hang out Saturday. If we don't, its ok, but if we do it would rock.

Ok, not much else to say. I updated about stress and sex life so...

Wish me luck!

Love,

Grace