Day 51: Talking

I had a major meltdown last night. I feel super guilty about it all. I hate worrying the people I care about, but it happened.

Stephen is now worried about me. Damn, I did not intend that I just was freaking out, and it came out of nowhere. Well it came out of somewhere, out of Kenzie calling m needy, but I so totally flipped out.

Now we're going to talk today, probably.

Guess I'll have to start off with the fact that I'm stupid in love with him and that causes me much anxiety.

It probably should have been a bigger deal that yesterday was my 50th blog post, but I digress.

Then I'll probably have to move on to the fact I'm so confused about what we are and what he wants from me. A friend with benefits? a Girlfriend? What?

I dunno it'll just be stressful. And I'll probably have trouble meeting his eyes because I'm awful at serious.

I'm just scared. I don't want it to be over but I have to ask these questions because they've been dancing around in my head, driving me crazy for awhile now.

I don't know if I've ever been this serious about a boy and they've had a glimmering chance of caring as much back so I'm just scared. I could ruin everything today.

Or maybe not.

I don't know.

Not knowing is the hard part.

Guess we'll talk today and I'll update this later. Maybe crying, maybe not, guess we'll see.

Love,

Grace

Day 50: Should I let it all go?

I can't be needy.

Stephen may like me, but he doesn't need me. and I need him. So what's a girl to do?

And Kenzie thinks I'm needy.

There go two of my people. One thinks I'm too needy and the other probably thinks it too. I don't want to be needy.

I guess maybe the best thing is for it to be over.

I don't want it to be over.

Oh god I'm crying. I hate being this needy, I hate needing people, I always love but I hate when I love too much.

I don't know what to do.

I'm in love with him, and I love her.

But its not healthy for me to need them more than they need me. Its pathetic to sit here needing people instead of being my own person. I used to be so independent. But now I need people. I don't know if that makes me weak or strong.

I don't know what to do I want to talk to people but i don't want to bother them...

I want to text Stephen or call him but I don't... I don't want to be this emotional freak to him. I just want to be normal and happy but I'm freaking out.

I'm such a fucking flake. And a heartbreaker. and an emotional disaster. I don't know why anyone puts up with me. They shouldn't waste their time or hearts on me. I'm a ticking time bomb; a walking disaster.

I dunno what i should do. Everything is falling apart.

I feel so empty and suffocated all at once.

It hurts.

Love,

Grace

Day 49: Everything's falling apart

Needy.

When someone worries almost every second about if they're bothering people, calling them needy really hurts. Its like when Mandy called me exhausting. It killed me.

Its happening all over again.

I can't be needy. I can't. I can't handle it.

my head's going to implode.

Kenzie. This can't be happening not again. I don't know who to turn to. I can't be 'needy'. I can't.

I'm sobbing I don't know what to do. It hurts so much.

I don't know what to say.

Its me. I don't know what I do but I do this and push people away. And the fighting happens then....

I can't breathe.

I don't know what's left to say. I'm ruining this, but I can't stop it. She called me needy. I never... I don't mean... I thought I was becoming a better friend but apparently I'm just an annoying needy one.

I don't know.

Nothing left to say for tonight.

Love,

Grace

Day 48: Summer Nights

Everything right now is a beautiful disaster.

First of all, let's gleefully ignore the fact that Grace fucked up again on commitment and is now blogging a month later.

Other than that...

I'm graduated.

I'm a fucking it.

I am not preparing that much for college yet, and I'm done with high school. I'm not a college kid nor a high school kid. I'm an it.

I'm falling head over heels for that guy, Stephen. He's nice and lovable and hot all rolled up in one fun package that I pray to see again every day. I don't know what's going to happen with us but honestly I don't know if I care. I just love being around him and being with him and having him want me. Jesus, all that boy has to do is want me around and I'm putty in his hands. I'm a mess haha.

I'm falling for the way he texts me good morning, and the way he's there when I'm horny or horrified, how he wants to cuddle with me and also do unspeakable things to me, how he accepts my crazy and always want to help with it, the way he's never taking anything too seriously, but seriously enough so that I don't feel like his mother the way it was with Alan sometimes. And moreover, I adore how I can just be me around him, and how unnaturally comfortable I am with telling him almost everything.

The scary part though, is that I never end out well with boys. But we shall see.

On the flip side, I'm excited and scared shitless of college. In one aspect, I get to grow up and meet new people and work on being me, on the other hand, I'm literally leaving almost every fucking person who has managed to still love me in my eighteen years behind. That is scary.

I mean i know a couple kids who will be going to school with me, even those I haven't gotten close to yet, so I will still have them, but cmon, its still scary. I'm leaving Kenzie, and Michael, and Stephen and they are my core people right now. Losing people is my greatest fear, and by gonig away I'll be throwing them out the window.

Hopefully I can still keep them. Hopefully we don't grow apart. I don't need that, and I don't want it.

I don't know what else to say.

College is scary but awesome.

I love boys.

The end.

Love,

Grace

Day 47: After Prom

So last night was prom.

Let's just say it was a hot mess.

Kenzie was sick all night, the boy I'm a little interested in, Stephen, had his ex hanging on him all night, and I never got to dance with him, Alan was being weird, Michael and his girlfriend were super weird, and it was all bleh.

I mean, it could have gone worse, I suppose.

And there were a few shining moments in which I was elated, but they were few and far between.

I guess I really don't have much else to say about that.

Fruitless fantasy turned into shambled sham.

I wasn't expecting Prom to be the best night of my life, by far, but I was hopnig for a little better than this.

I mean, the boat we were on was nice, so there's that.

I just feel emotionally drained sooo...

Yeah.

Bye.

Love,

Grace

Day 46(Sort of): Grace is at it again.

So I, being the ever inconsistent Grace, had stopped this blog. But I want to restart it. It'll help me remind myself to write as often as I can.

So, so much has happened I don't know what to say.

I'm completely over dumb-boy. I still find his dating situation a little rash, but they seem happy, so I guess its whatever.

I'm in the RISE program and the academic scholars program at MSU, so success! I guess that's a plus.

I'm majorly stressed about college money, because so far I have no scholarships, no aid, nada. Sooo... Trying not to think about that.

I might like a new boy. Do I like him? am I just lonely? I'm not sure. His name's Stephen and we're good friends. Today we hung out all day at choir festival and we had a ton of fun. So I don't know how I feel. I know his history with women and such and I just... I dunno. He's nice, and I have one friend telling me he's cool and nice (Michael) and one friend telling me he's a piece of shit (Mandy) but it is Mandy, and Michael may be biased, so I dunno. Maybe a summer fling will be in the cards for one Grace Jordan, who knows.

Now studying for AP Psych. Final test in that class, thank goodness.

So yup.

Night!

Love,

Grace

Day 45: Biggest idiot

Oh, I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about the boy I liked.

So he likes this new girl right? They've hung out once, only talked a few days, etc...

They're fucking dating.

I haven't seen this kind of dumb shit since I was thirteen. Freaking THIRTEEN.

They barely know each other. They've barely talked. If this works out I'm burning all my clothes and joining a convent, I swear, because this is the dumbest shit...

But I've already called it to Kenzie, I doubt this relationship will work. Its based mostly, from what I've heard, on physical attraction. That is the dumbest shit to base a relationship off. I hope the relationship dies quickly so I can laugh at them.

Yeah, this is the evil side of me, but I haven't been this pissed off since the New Year's Fight with Mandy. So I think its pretty good I've gone over two months without wanting to shovel murder people.

Oh well, I'll look hella nice from now on just to show all the boys who rejected me. Happiness is the best revenge. Show them they can't phase me.
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Hope your week gets better.

I hope you show them.

Love,

Garce