Day 51: Talking

I had a major meltdown last night. I feel super guilty about it all. I hate worrying the people I care about, but it happened.

Stephen is now worried about me. Damn, I did not intend that I just was freaking out, and it came out of nowhere. Well it came out of somewhere, out of Kenzie calling m needy, but I so totally flipped out.

Now we're going to talk today, probably.

Guess I'll have to start off with the fact that I'm stupid in love with him and that causes me much anxiety.

It probably should have been a bigger deal that yesterday was my 50th blog post, but I digress.

Then I'll probably have to move on to the fact I'm so confused about what we are and what he wants from me. A friend with benefits? a Girlfriend? What?

I dunno it'll just be stressful. And I'll probably have trouble meeting his eyes because I'm awful at serious.

I'm just scared. I don't want it to be over but I have to ask these questions because they've been dancing around in my head, driving me crazy for awhile now.

I don't know if I've ever been this serious about a boy and they've had a glimmering chance of caring as much back so I'm just scared. I could ruin everything today.

Or maybe not.

I don't know.

Not knowing is the hard part.

Guess we'll talk today and I'll update this later. Maybe crying, maybe not, guess we'll see.

Love,

Grace

Day 50: Should I let it all go?

I can't be needy.

Stephen may like me, but he doesn't need me. and I need him. So what's a girl to do?

And Kenzie thinks I'm needy.

There go two of my people. One thinks I'm too needy and the other probably thinks it too. I don't want to be needy.

I guess maybe the best thing is for it to be over.

I don't want it to be over.

Oh god I'm crying. I hate being this needy, I hate needing people, I always love but I hate when I love too much.

I don't know what to do.

I'm in love with him, and I love her.

But its not healthy for me to need them more than they need me. Its pathetic to sit here needing people instead of being my own person. I used to be so independent. But now I need people. I don't know if that makes me weak or strong.

I don't know what to do I want to talk to people but i don't want to bother them...

I want to text Stephen or call him but I don't... I don't want to be this emotional freak to him. I just want to be normal and happy but I'm freaking out.

I'm such a fucking flake. And a heartbreaker. and an emotional disaster. I don't know why anyone puts up with me. They shouldn't waste their time or hearts on me. I'm a ticking time bomb; a walking disaster.

I dunno what i should do. Everything is falling apart.

I feel so empty and suffocated all at once.

It hurts.

Love,

Grace

Day 49: Everything's falling apart

Needy.

When someone worries almost every second about if they're bothering people, calling them needy really hurts. Its like when Mandy called me exhausting. It killed me.

Its happening all over again.

I can't be needy. I can't. I can't handle it.

my head's going to implode.

Kenzie. This can't be happening not again. I don't know who to turn to. I can't be 'needy'. I can't.

I'm sobbing I don't know what to do. It hurts so much.

I don't know what to say.

Its me. I don't know what I do but I do this and push people away. And the fighting happens then....

I can't breathe.

I don't know what's left to say. I'm ruining this, but I can't stop it. She called me needy. I never... I don't mean... I thought I was becoming a better friend but apparently I'm just an annoying needy one.

I don't know.

Nothing left to say for tonight.

Love,

Grace