Day 45: Biggest idiot

Oh, I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about the boy I liked.

So he likes this new girl right? They've hung out once, only talked a few days, etc...

They're fucking dating.

I haven't seen this kind of dumb shit since I was thirteen. Freaking THIRTEEN.

They barely know each other. They've barely talked. If this works out I'm burning all my clothes and joining a convent, I swear, because this is the dumbest shit...

But I've already called it to Kenzie, I doubt this relationship will work. Its based mostly, from what I've heard, on physical attraction. That is the dumbest shit to base a relationship off. I hope the relationship dies quickly so I can laugh at them.

Yeah, this is the evil side of me, but I haven't been this pissed off since the New Year's Fight with Mandy. So I think its pretty good I've gone over two months without wanting to shovel murder people.

Oh well, I'll look hella nice from now on just to show all the boys who rejected me. Happiness is the best revenge. Show them they can't phase me.
\
Hope your week gets better.

I hope you show them.

Love,

Garce

Day 44.5: Well, nevermind on that

So, boy changed his mind about me. We didn't hang out. He doesn't have feelings for me anymore.

Every time lately. Every time boys don't want me. What the hell?

The only common denominator is me. So of course I think its my fault.

First my ex, and Alan, and now this boy. Its killing me. I can't handle so much rejection.

He met another girl. He hung out with her once and suddenly I mean nothing to him. Its killer, man, really. Two weeks i know isn't a long time but you'd think it meant something more than a few days.

And fuck. He described what he had with her as 'instant attraction'. Relationships based on only instant attraction don't tend to work out; the slow growing ones tend to, at least from what I've seen. Slow growing ones that involve friendship and shit not just instant fucking attraction. I'm sorry for so much swearing I'm just in between depressed and pissed and its a weird place.

And my ex, I can't. I miss him so goddamn much and I thought I was getting over him, truly, with this new relationship but then the boy had to fuck it up and not only make me sad about him but also about my ex all over again.

The new relationship wasn't perfect, and it certainly wasn't that strong yet. But it was something, it was hope, and he killed it.

I don't need a relationship to validate my life. But it would be nice to car for a guy and have him care back. That hasn't happened all year.

Well it happened for a short while. and once it was gone it sucked.

I just miss feeling like I mattered already.

Its just hard to think about the new boy, and my ex. So stark differences but both had such potential. More my ex than the new boy but still. I want to try instead of just giving up. Why do people always give up?

Why do I give up?

Maybe I'll think about conversing with my ex again I dunno its probably a bad idea but I always miss him and that's not healthy. But I also still want to talk to new boy even though we'd only be friends. I'm not sure what's going on in my head anymore or what's good for me. I just feel so many things right now.

I feel like I'm grasping at straws but there's no straws to be had.

I just miss people. I just want to be wanted by people I care for.

I'm so needy.

Hope your week is going a LOT better than mine.

Love,

Grace

Day 44: Turned on by everything

I basically had a dream where I  was willing to jump on anyone, even a girl and I am very not attracted to women. So obviously my hormones are on overdrive lately.

That might not bode well if the boy and I hang out today haha

But seriously. I hope nothing too sexual happens, we have only been talking for two weeks and only hung out twice if you count today. O_O I don't need to push things too fast.

I just really like him. And I really want him to kiss me. Is that so bad?

Considering I'm willing to jump anyone right now, maybe kind of.

Oh, hormones.

Anyway, Kenzie's contemplating ending it with Mandy. She can't take it much longer. Mandy is stressful and doesn't keep promises and is hurtful to others and Kenzie isn't sure she can handle it anymore. What fucking sucks though is that we have no clue what Mandy might do if she loses everything. She's lost the boy, she's lost most of me, what will she do if she loses Kenzie too?

We don't know what to do with her.

Its not healthy to be around her but at the same time we don't want her to kill herself.

I just yawned. I hate yawning.

I digress.

I just don't know. I know its not healthy to be around her but I don't want to completely lose her either. I don't want her to lose it without us.


Its been an upsetting week to say the least. I just hope it gets better.

Hopefully I do hang out with the boy. If I don't I guess its ok, I'll be disappointed but I'll live. I can make plans with Kierra or something.

I just really hope things get better.

Love,

Grace

Day 43: Talk dirty to me and other stresses

I am addicted to the song talk dirty to me, which is funny enough tied to the topic i want to talk about today.

Birth control. I'm contemplating going on it. Not only because milder periods, but because I don't know what will happen to me sexually in the next couple months O_O yes, that is a reference to the new boy and how attracted to him I am and who knows what'll happen between us, and all that jazz.

But yeah that's the gist of my sexual stories.

But I'm also stressed about Kenzie not doing school work, and Mandy's safety, and other stresses. Its funny, after writing my stress paper for AP Psych I got hella stressed out. Thanks, teacher.

Ahh he texted me.

I'm such a three year old.

I really like him though, be it personality wise and physically. I dunno, he's just lovely and hopefully we do hang out Saturday. If we don't, its ok, but if we do it would rock.

Ok, not much else to say. I updated about stress and sex life so...

Wish me luck!

Love,

Grace

Day 42: I'm a mess

I'm angry.

I'm worried.

I'm manic.

I'm a genuine mess.

Well, I can tell I'm a little manic because I've found little use in sleeping and I've gotten shit tons of work done lately and I'm happy and hyper and a little spazzy. I've been flirting up a storm and I've been turned on like crazy and I dunno its just a mess.

Things with the boy and I are going well. Really well. I know I've said this before but we might hang out Saturday and I'm super excited.

And Mandy. We didn't talk today, like we were supposed to. Instead she auditioned for a musical she wants honestly nothing to do with so? I don't know why she's crazy? She's just going to complain about it the entire time.

I digress.

We didn't get to talk and honestly at this point I don't know if we ever will. I don't know if I want us to. I don't know.

I just want to be happy and do all my homework tonight haha.

Stress paper (how ironic) and a reflection on an article I had to read. It'll be fun.

And then of course, in the morning, it'll be math and chapter reading guide. I'll get it all done its no worries, really. Its just a bit of work and I always am able to manage everything so, whoot!

I just need to get the motivation to start any of it. That's the real struggle.

Its only about an hour or two of homework so its not really that bad, I'm just lazy as hell. That's the true problem. Senioritis has got me like POW.

I sound like a character from Borderlands 2 now, what fun.

Anyway, hope everyone's doing well. Mania for everyone!

Not really. Mania is a mess.

Anyway.

Good luck!

Love,

Grace

Day 41.5: Shitty ass day

I don't know why, but I feel awful today.

The boy I like has ignored all my texts today. He hasn't texted me at all. That shouldn't twig me out so much, if we weren't used to texting every day and now this is freaking me out.

And I was sleepy all day and slept in about three classes. It was awful I felt so lazy and shit.

And we didn't have a snow day, though I wanted one.

And tomorrow i talk to Mandy, and I don't know how that will go. Part of me wants it done to see how it works, another would rather jump off a cliff that rehash that bullshit.

And honestly I just felt an overwhelming feeling of awfulness. It was terrible. Its not been my most shining days. And I'm an optimist for Christ-sake.

I'm just feeling shitty. I guess everyone has these days, but I just am not used to it. And if it wasn't so close to competition, I'd beg to miss dance, but its only a bit away and no one can afford to miss right now, really.

So ergo today sucks and I have to study for a test and get all this work done to study for it that I have no desire to get done and ahhh.

Might as well jump off the proverbial cliff now.

Between Mandy and the boy and schoolwork I am not happy. I am just sick of being a screw up. I just want things to go well.

Oh, Grace, do not cry. Do not start this now. You have class.

Ok, I think I'll be ok. I pray I'll be ok.

Its just a rough day when you already feel like shit and then nobody really acts like they care to notice you.

I hope tomorrow's better, for everyone.

Love,

Grace

Day 41: What am I getting myself into

I'm falling for him. Why does that terrify me so much?

Maybe because I'm the queen of having the shit terrified out of me, and the queen of being convinced everyone will leave me.

Maybe because I'm genuinely terrified of most things.

And maybe because after he accidentally mildly compared something I said to Mandy, I might be flipping out worried that I'm nothing but another fling to him. That I'm not special.

I need to breathe. I really need to breath. he probably meant nothing by it, but its still terrifying. I don't want this to not matter. All I want is for it to matter.Its nice to feel like you matter.

Its been almost two weeks of straight talking and I'm beginning to fall. I don't know if that's good for me, based on the fact I tend to fall too fast and this is one of my slower departures from sanity, or if its bad, and still seems too fast. I'm not crazy head over heels for him, no, but i can feel the feelings on the tip of my tongue, just begging to be true, just begging to be special.

And the crazy part is I think I might be special. He says I'm pretty and he's attracted to me and that I am awesome and he enjoys my company, but is that enough? Wow i'm being needy as fuck. It should be enough. I just always am so uncertain about other people's feelings unless they're 100% upfront with me about them, and always assume the worst until they are.

I really like him. I want this tot turn into something special, something tangible.

Maybe with time it will,I just have to be patient. And, for today, I'll just let him text me first so I'm not an annoying piece of shit.

Yep, yep, yep.

Love is a mess.

Hope you have better confidence about it.

Love,

Grace

Day 40: I am such a forgetful person

I totally meant to blog yesterday.

Guess that didn't happen.

So I'm probably going to have a talk with Mandy. Not quite to reconcile per say, but to talk about our problems and such. It might make her feel better and might make me feel less empty and awful inside when I'm alone.

She keeps on tweeting passive aggressive hate/adoration things about the boy, and its really weird/awkward/making me a bit upset. I feel bad he didn't choose her, yes, I feel bad she's in pain, yes, but... I dunno. Its a mess, liking the same guy. We're both probably pissing each other off about it.


So the boy. Things have been great with him. We're planning on hanging out again Saturday and I'm so excited. I just love being around him, it makes me so happy. He called me pretty and I about died. Because I'm weak and sad and pathetic but oh well haha.

I guess things are good, in general. I guess I'll tell you how things with Mandy go whenever they happen.

That was short.

Have a great day!

Love,

Grace

Day 39: Broken hearts and fears

What if I kill her?

Mandy feels like she's losing everything to me. What if that kills her?

She's a suicidal, depressed girl. What if my decision to cut her off kills her? if not today, what if tomorrow, what if later on in life? 5 years? 10 years? What if what I've done is the beginning of the end for her?

She's pushing Kenzie away. And I took the boy from her. And I took me from her.

I'm terrified that it might send her over the edge and I don't know how to save her without hurting myself.

I can't right now. I feel awful and sick and...

I complained to Kenzie all day about this, and Michael is out of town.

Maybe I'll talk to my boy about it. Maybe he can help.

PS: I'm only calling him my boy because I have yet to find a proper pseudonym for him. :/

I just feel awful. I feel like a horrible human being. I don't know what to do.

I just... I can't right now.

I don't know.

Love,

Grace

Day 38:.. But a few days later

I am so sorry for not being up on my blogging.

I just had an interesting week this week, between starting to fall for new boy and having the relationship between Mandy and I further deteriorate. Funnily enough, because I am getting closer to said boy and she feels like she is losing the competition that the last fringes of our relationship is.

So onto the competition thing, I must explain .As Mandy and I began our friendship, there was always this underlying tone of competition. Who could write better, who could be sadder, who had the worst history, who was the smartest, etc. So as we grew apart it grew only worse. She started chasing after boys I had feelings for, we started infringing on each other's activities, and here's the final straw.

This boy and our friend, Kenzie.

I know Kenzie wants to be both of our friends. But not only is Mandy making me feel like its a fight over her but also she's pushing her away by spending all their time texting being irrational and complaining about me. Yup, because Kenzie really wants to hear about that. When she wants to be both of our friends, she really wants to hear you bitch about how 'awful' I am.

Especially when Kenzie's more on my side about the boy thing.

Its just a mess.

Oh, and I'm going on a Valentine's Day Date with said boy and I'm excited and its going to be cute and ack I'm just super pumped.

I just am so excited. I love talking to him haha

Only two hours left to wait. I can do that, right?

Hopefully I can muster up enough patience. I am an impatient thing.

I just want to hang out with him so badly, especially because I become a much more relaxed, really myself person outside of school. I hope he likes me still. O_O

Anyway, its been a fun time. Wish me luck on my first date in AGES. Love you!

Hope you have a lovely Valentine's Day.

Love,

Grace

Day 37: Valentines and excitement

I'm a bit of a wreck right now.

So, the boy I like sort of asked me to hang out Friday, Valentine's Day. I am a little teensy bit excited as hell. Hopefully I don't fumble-fuck my way around this one, because I think I really do like this guy.

That's exciting as hell.

On the downside I have a headache and I puked so that's a downer.

But I'm really excited about the Friday thing. I don't think I've ever had plans on Valentines Day with someone I had a thing for, ever. So this is quite an event.

I'm excited. Actually, I squealed a little bit. But never tell him that.

I've decided I can't worry about Mandy. I can't base my happiness off of hers when she's been so inconsiderate. I can't. I can't just ruin my own happiness for hers when she chose herself over me so often.

So boy-toy ahoy it is. :) I'm so excited. I can't wait to hang out with him. Its a group hang out, but i don't really care. He asked me to do something on V-Day. That is quite exciting.

Exciting excitement it is.

Sorry I'm super bubbly right now. I'm very excited.

I just want things to go well and to have fun. That's all I want. I hope it happens.

Wish me luck with boys!

Love,

Grace

Day 36: Me and teenage sexuality

So, the day has come when I have to talk about the most awkward of things with you.

Sex.

This has come up because of the new boy I might like. We've been heavily flirting and dancing around the subject of sex. Now, before you twig out, I will accept, yes, I'm eighteen. Yes, some people think that is too young for sex. Yes, I recognize the risks of such behavior.

But I'm a virgin right now so let's stop freaking out before I even act upon anything. Also, I am of age and it is my body and if I want to have sex I think I am of decent age to make decisions about it.

Anyway, its been a mess. Well, I might want to add that this is the boy my ex-friend, Mandy, also liked, and likely still does like. So this complicates matters.

But he's so funny, and cute, and makes me smile, and can be ever so sweet.

We've been sending each other funny valentines day cards, talking about our likes and dislikes, flirting... All that jazz.

I'm contemplating that if he asked me would I go on a date with him? Could this turn into something more? I don't know. And it excites and terrifies me.

And damn, am I attracted to him. That's another part that scares me. Do I want him for his personality or just because I'm attracted to him? Am I thinking with my head or my hormones?

Its a special kind of mess.

But I haven't felt butterflies like this in forever.

I'm beyond excited.

I'm beyond terrified.

I'm beyond infinity.

I'm just beyond right now.

Hope you're having an interesting day too.

Love,

Grace

Day 35: Boys and pokemon

So I was really stressing out about my ex last time we talked.

Then this boy I have a baby crush on started texting me. and ever since I've been in such a good mood.

Its so tempting to go back to what you know, what's familiar, what you're used to. And unfortunately, I'm used to pining after boys who don't want me. But now I have an opportunity at a boy who might actually like me and I might actually like back and I have to take it.

I have to forget about my ex.

It may be hard at first, but in all honesty if he's ignoring me and being cold, does he really deserve my affections? Does he really deserve it over a boy who cares?

Not really.

So here I am, taking a new step with a new boy. And i hope it all goes well, or at least helps me get over my ex.

Wish me luck.

Oh and we've been playing Pokemon as a bonding thing, is that weird? Kind of. Oh well. Its fun :)

I'm having fun. I'm enjoying my life. I'm being productive again.

I couldn't be happier.

I just can't wait to see what happens between us. If it works or not, this decision was worth it.

I hope you have a lovely day too.

Love,

Grace

Day 34: Sleepy ramblings

So it happened again.

You have no clue what happened again so I guess I must tell you. 

I had another dream about that ex I told you I missed. The one I had a chance of falling for, who broke my heart when he rejected me after I rejected him. 

I'm typing on my phone so I'm sorry if my grammar sucks.

It just... I dreamed of him again. For months I hadn't dreamed of him, hadn't woken up crying because I miss him so much. And last night... I dreamed of us together again, being dorky and awkward and fun, and I woke up very sad. 

I still miss him. God dammit, I've got to do something about this. I can't handle having these feelings come back. The feelings of missing him so much it hurts, missing so much who we could have been. 

Maybe I'll try being close to him again. I dunno, I have to try something to ease this pain I get when I think about him. 

Maybe we can be friends again. Maybe we could be something more. 

I don't know. I just am grasping at straws at the point. 

Boys are dangerous, girls, don't get too close to them, because inevitably you'll break their heart or you'll break theirs and its none too pleasant. 

I just miss him. 

I hope your life is going better than mine right now, losing friends and wanting boys who don't want me. 

I wish us all luck. 

Love, 

Grace

Day 33: Post 50!

So, the whole cold day thing didn't happen, but i think i did fine in my classes, so no biggie.

Eeks, I have no clue what to write about today.

I'm truly drawing a blank. Maybe because I'm kinda sleepy.

Well, happy 50th post, Blog! Go you!

I really don't know what else to say.

Erm...

Have a great night?

I'm a social disaster. Seriously.

Love,

Grace

Day 32: Up to my ears in cold days

There is another possibility of a cold day tomorrow.

God damn.

That excites me but terrifies me all at once.

Why?

Because now I'm going to be as lazy as sin tonight because of it, and I don't quite want to take my bible literacy test tomorrow. But at the same time I am so sick of missing school.

So its a confusing struggle.

Just thinking more about the bible literacy test makes me want to curl up in a corner and die. And based off the fact that mere mention of a possible cold day makes me not want to study dooms me if we have school tomorrow. So maybe I'm leaning more on the side of no.

But I have to study otherwise we WILL have school tomorrow and i'll be royally screwed.

The confusing struggle continues.

And now I'm trying to put on dance tights and type and this is all a disaster.

Well now I'm all better. I think.

Gah I might have to pee, and I just got tights and a leotard on.

Nope, nope, I do not have to pee. I refuse.

I just hope I don't have any more chest pains like I did earlier in the week. That was scary and uncomfortable. If it happens again I'll be very sad and angry all at once.

I really don't want to have to sit out again. I mean, my death drops suck ass so I guess it might be good if I sit out but still it would be awful. If I start dancing and it happens again so quickly, I swear...

I will not be a happy camper.

I will actually be quite a very UNhappy camper.

Oh well, must finish getting ready and trying not to freak out about tomorrow.

Have a fantastic night, you.

Love,

Grace

Day 31: In class blogging.

Well ain't I a rebel, blogging in class. Of course i have my phone hidden kind of so its no big deal but still. 

So chest pains have persisted. Hahaha i want to implode. What is even going on with me? 

I have homework tonight, quite a bit. College algebra, ap lit, apes... It just never ends, this homework cycle. 

Maybe I'll go to Kenzie's after school maybe that will be nice. 

Well I'm hungry. 

And being horribly boring! 

So I guess I'll be done for today, since nothing of interest has happened. 

Hope you have a lovely day.

Love, 

Grace

Day 30: Doctor's and science fiction.

So, I am perfectly healthy! We think the bouts of chest pain were just stress, so joy to the world about that! :)

In other news, my friend Kenzie has something important to tell me and I'm kind of freaking out. What does she have to tell me? Has she been denied to where she wants to go for college? Is she mad at me? Is there something wrong? Is she sick? is her mom sick? Is she moving? Whatttt?

I'm so worried.

Hopefully I don't get stressed out again and hurt myself at dance. That would be horrifying. If I feel any chest pain I'm sitting out, that's it, nada, done, finito.

We've already been over the dance thing, so I won't reiterate but... seriously. Why today, why when I have so much to do and so little motivation.

Well in more other news, I have chosen Dune as my science fiction independent reading book. Yes, I have chosen to be the queen of the geeks.

And i have to read The Tower of Babylon tonight and I feel like it not.

I'm just so goddamn lazy lately.

I hate senioritis.

Screw me, I'm just making excuses. I'm just so very done with high school and having these eight hour days with no breaks and not having my own choices. I'm so ready for college, to try new things.

So some call it senioritis. I call it being a lazy ass piece of shit who needs to get her act together.

I'll get it all done by tomorrow. I have Tower of Babylon reading and AP questions to answer. I'll be fine. I'll get it all done. Breathe, Grace, breathe.

I know most people say hold onto your teenage years, stop trying to throw them away, stop trying to be an adult, but I feel so ready to be n adult. Hell, I think my head has been ready since I was four years old. Maybe an exaggeration, but I just feel ready for the world. I'm so excited to start a life, to start a career, to start a family. I want children, I want to help people, I want to help the environment, and I want to write. And by god, I will try to have all of those.

I just... I've wanted to be a writer since I was a kid. I've loved nature and wanted to help people since I was a kid. I've wanted to be a mother since I was a kid. I just want the things I've been dreaming of since I was little. I never dreamed of being a teenager, I just dreamed of being me.

And, hopefully, soon, I'll get to be me.

And that's the most exciting part of college. Being me.

I hope you can be yourself everyday of your life, because being yourself is glorious.

Just be beautiful you.

Love,

Grace

Day 29: I better see a doctor soon.

Ok, chest pain persists. And I'm sleepy and I'm sad and I barely got anything done because I was too worried about my goddamn chest or it hurt too much.

So let's say not starting off to be the best day.

But of course its probably not good to skip.

Even though I want to not go to school today more than anything.

I thought I had a lot more to say than this, but I guess I don't. I guess today just kind of sucks.

I guess let's hope I'm ok and I get to see a doctor soon.

Love,

Grace

Day 28.5: Chest pains and... still homework.

So maybe I'm the worst student in the world.

Screw it, I kind of am. But senioritis, man. I was a perfect student before this semester now I can barely get my arse to do anything.

Also I have chest pains that are so irritable that I kind of want to cry, so...

I feel like I should get a free homework pass or something.

I'm also excessively tired for some reason.

Why? I do not know.

Its been an interesting day to say the least.

And now mom's freaking out about my chest pains.

I guess I sort of am too but I'm holding it all together for her. Hopefully I can see a doctor sometimes soon. That might be helpful.

Wish me luck.

Love,

Grace

Day 28: Picture day and homework

Homework. Always on Sunday, is the ever looming homework.

I have a chapter to read, another chapter to read for a different class, an article to read and write a one page summary on, music to look over.. the list seems endless.

It'll probably only take me a couple hours but, still. Its stressful.

Ooh, I put on some lipstick, now I am fully prepared for today.

Not really I'm not normally a lipstick girl but, today's my final picture day ever so why not.

So, ever since I was born my Mom has taken me to JCPenney to take yearly pictures. I've had one from age one to now age eighteen. And this is my final one. Its sad but also exciting. Sad my childhood is gone, exciting that I'm moving onto my next stage in life.

Also fun because we always go shopping afterwards too.

Regardless, its an interesting day, with homework, Superbowl, pictures, and such.

Going to be honest, the senioritis is starting to hit me, hard. So this copious pile of homework does not bode well for me. I'll probably just end up doing the bare minimum that won't get me killed on Monday.

So basically read one chapter for APES and read the article. I'm so goddamn lazy lately, forserious.

Anyway, I've noticed that people my age have trouble letting go of things and moving on with life. This troubles me. For example, if you don't know what I mean, people my age cling to dying relationships. The ever present "break-up/get back together" couple. Ok, maybe this is a cruel assessment. Maybe its more of a human problem, because I know adults this way too. They can't accept when something isn't working, when love just isn't enough, and hold onto things that do nothing but hurt them.

On the flip side, there are also people who throw relationships away too fast. I was one of those people, but I hope to stop that pattern.

So I guess, like always, its the goal to find a happy medium. Where you try hard enough, but you also know when trying isn't enough anymore. That's tough, finding that middle ground. Porbably why relationships are so messy.

Sorry, I just ranted about this last night so its in the forefront of my mind.

Regardless, happy medium. It always seems to be the best.

I hope you find your happy medium.

Love,

Grace

Day 26: Cake and other disappointments

So today i was supposed to throw a baby surprise birthday party for my friend. But all my friends are sick so it didnt happen so i simply have presents and a cake at my house for no reason. 

I mean I obviously can't blame them for simple sickness, but its still disappointing. 

On the plus side no one has been commenting on my story on figment. Whoot!

And by whoot I mean more disappointment. 

Oh and my essay sucked today. So the disappointment continues!

Its just a rough day. 

I hope it gets better. Its just no fun and very stressful. 

Struggle number one is still that dad's still  upset. So I guess i'm just hoping everything gets better. 

Cheers to better days. 

Hope you're doing okay. 

Love,

Grace

Day 27: First bathtub blog

We knew this was coming. Knowing how lazy I can be, and also how busy I can be, a bathtub blog was imminent. 

I have about three events to get to today. Ok maybe two, but being my brother's basketball game and my friend's eagle court of honor, they're pretty big things. 

I'm working with a couple people to edit my whole novel, but two are beginning to slack and another has done nothing so far. So joy. 

I don't blame the one who has done nothing, we just recently started conversing about the novella, Blue. So hopefully she gets done with that pretty quickly and such. 

So my ex started a blog about his life. And i secretly read every entry. Am I messed up? 

Yeah, kind of. I'm the one who broke up with him way back when, so I really should not be so interested in his life.

But I am.

I feel like I might still care, but seeing that he avoids me like the plague, its doomed. So oh well. 

Last spring was the last time we really talked, and he kissed me and I was too chicken to say I still cared. So he cut me off and its been a mess. I was a good solid mess for a couple months, dreaming about him and waking up crying. I think my heart broke so profusely because I could have fallen in love with him, it could have been something special, but he was too scared of it, of me, to let it happen andso there we are. 

A chance at something special gone. 

It just kills me how close we were to it and then... Nothing.

All because we both were too scared to do anything. 

I hate myself profusely for running away from that one. But I guess it just teaches me not to run from something that could be really good anymore. 

I miss him, still. I glance at him and class and miss his dumb jokes and awkward flirting and long talks about life and important things. I miss all we were two years ago. 

But I guess its over now. Nothing I can do. I can't make him want me. 

He wants this other girl, in his opera class. She's really pretty and seems very nice. I can't really try to get in the middle of that, if he really cares for her. 

So alone I go. I have friends, sure. Kenzie and Michael mean the world to me. But alone on the relationships front. 

I just want a chance at that happiness. But no one wants me. 

That's always a sad feeling. That no one wants you. But I guess I've grown accustomed to it. 

Such is life. 

I hope you run into them today, someone you love. I hope its the beginning of something magical. 

Love, 

Grace