So, boy changed his mind about me. We didn't hang out. He doesn't have feelings for me anymore.
Every time lately. Every time boys don't want me. What the hell?
The only common denominator is me. So of course I think its my fault.
First my ex, and Alan, and now this boy. Its killing me. I can't handle so much rejection.
He met another girl. He hung out with her once and suddenly I mean nothing to him. Its killer, man, really. Two weeks i know isn't a long time but you'd think it meant something more than a few days.
And fuck. He described what he had with her as 'instant attraction'. Relationships based on only instant attraction don't tend to work out; the slow growing ones tend to, at least from what I've seen. Slow growing ones that involve friendship and shit not just instant fucking attraction. I'm sorry for so much swearing I'm just in between depressed and pissed and its a weird place.
And my ex, I can't. I miss him so goddamn much and I thought I was getting over him, truly, with this new relationship but then the boy had to fuck it up and not only make me sad about him but also about my ex all over again.
The new relationship wasn't perfect, and it certainly wasn't that strong yet. But it was something, it was hope, and he killed it.
I don't need a relationship to validate my life. But it would be nice to car for a guy and have him care back. That hasn't happened all year.
Well it happened for a short while. and once it was gone it sucked.
I just miss feeling like I mattered already.
Its just hard to think about the new boy, and my ex. So stark differences but both had such potential. More my ex than the new boy but still. I want to try instead of just giving up. Why do people always give up?
Why do I give up?
Maybe I'll think about conversing with my ex again I dunno its probably a bad idea but I always miss him and that's not healthy. But I also still want to talk to new boy even though we'd only be friends. I'm not sure what's going on in my head anymore or what's good for me. I just feel so many things right now.
I feel like I'm grasping at straws but there's no straws to be had.
I just miss people. I just want to be wanted by people I care for.
I'm so needy.
Hope your week is going a LOT better than mine.
Love,
Grace
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