Day 25.5: My writing style

Ok, truth time.

On here I understand I'm mostly kind of joking and shit, but my main writing style is dark.

Well I've realized that terrifies people.

Make up a fake twitter as a fake alter ego to vent out my depressing, writing thoughts?

And your friends go ape-shit thinking you're depressed at all moments and that they need to walk on eggshells to deal with you, so don't do it. Ever. I swear to you, do NOT do it.

I ruined a friendship because of shit on my alter ego twitter.

And now I don't trust her and our relationship is non-existent.

So yeah, don't do it.

*And if you're late to the party, said friend, if you haven't guessed, is the infamous Mandy*

Its just...

I write darkly. I write darkly to counteract my happy. It keeps me grounded and pleasant and writing helps me think out the bad thoughts and get them out of my system.

Never make a twitter account to do this, and certainly don't add real life friends. Because they flip out and think you're going to lose it.

Even when most of the time you're perfectly fine and just reflecting on life a little bit.

I dunno, it was just a mess. And now Kenzie's upset with me about it and its just A GOSH DARN MESS.

That was accidental caps lock but it works well enough.

I just, it wasn't my shining moment. I was letting them into my world and they rejected it. They feared it. I guess that's what bothered me so much more. I trusted them with my thoughts and they rejected them and feared me for them.

I'm trying not to be mad at Kenzie too, but she's bringing up all my mistakes, running away, etc, and throwing them at my face like its supposed to make me see her point of view.

I get her point of view. I wrote sad things and I scared her.

But I always write sad things.

Blue, Sunshine Girl, and Finding Eve Montez make me want to cry just thinking about what happens in them sometimes.

Its just who I am. and I guess I'm sad that they find it so offensive, so bothersome, such a problem.

Well Mandy at least did. I'm currently confused about Kenzie.

I hope it works out between Kenzie and I. I really do love her and she isn't one to be an asshole about pushing my buttons and trying to get to me.

That's Mandy's thing.

Ouch sorry I'm still bitter.

Anyway, I hope things with friends are going well for you!

At least writing is lovely for me.

Love,

Grace

Day 25: Dance and scholars and other riff-raff.

I dance. That is a little known fact about me.

Why?

Because I barely talk about it. Because I enjoy it, but its not my passion ,so in some ways I feel like I'm always letting down the girls around me. Because its fun, and I'm ok at it, but I want to express myself in ways other than dance. Like writing.

One final year and I'll be done with the stress of dance. I'm so thankful.

Don't get me wrong, its been a fun run. I've done it since i was four, and I've always enjoyed the exercise. But the mandatory practices? The obligation to work very hard as to not disappoint your other classmates? That pressure is a lot to take when you don't even love something.

I love writing. I love science. I love the written language, and I love the history of things. Those, I'll do wonderful at. I'll love to be counted on in those subjects. But dancing?

Its too much pressure. I'm ecstatic to be almost done with it.

I've had a fun fourteen years, but dance has run its course for me. I'm only joining yoga or zumba club at the college when I go. Something I can miss without too much hassle, but still get decent exercise. Hell, I may just dance around my room and walk everywhere and that might be good enough.

On the flip side, I got sent a letter recommending me for a scholars program at the university I want to go to. That's majorly exciting. And I can join the scholars program as well as be in the environmental science program, so WHOOT!

I'm so excited for college, I'm just dying to leave. I feel bad, for I love my family and I love being with them, but I just feel ready to start the new part of my life. I'm just so ready for it.

I'm so ready to be a scientist and help the world.

I'm so ready to start study abroad programs.

I'm so ready to possibly move to Africa and help with the animals or the farming or water there, help make the lives of these people in Africa better.

I'm so ready to get published and be an author, talking about the issues of the world.

I'm so ready to maybe even write a novel about Africa once I get there and learn what its like.

I'm just so ready to begin my individual life and make a name for myself.

I'm just so ready.

Are you ready?

Love,

Grace

Day 24.5: First submission

So, since my editing partners are going so slow on Figment, I decided to do the one thing I've been terrified of and yet dying to do since i finished Blue.

I sent in a submission about the novella to an agency.

EEP!

Isn't that exciting?

This place is called Serendipity agency, and it seems pretty cool, so hopefully they like my story. Hopefully they are an itsy bit interested. I can hope, at least.

I just hope it works out well. I hope this starts something. I hope this is the beginning.

I know lots of great authors get rejected often, but it would just be cool for things to work out. It would be a great first submission.

I'm just excited and hoping it works out for me.

Honestly, my biggest dream is to one day wheedle myself into the English curriculum. I would practically die if that occurred. Be it contemporary lit classes, or if i play my cars right, AP Lit or AP Lang classes. I know I'm dreaming big but it would literally be my forever dream.

I can die happy if one of my novels/novellas sneak their way into the school curriculum. Or if my teachers are so proud of me they have kids read it as a bonus or something.

I'm cocky and hopeful when it comes to writing, I know, but I just have to dream. It would be awesome.

I'm just hopeful that all my dreams will come true.

Wish me luck!

I certainly wish you luck on your dreams every day :)

Love,

 Grace

Day 24: Snow daze and book babies

I feel like I should do work on these snow days.

But the bitter cold of the north is less than appetizing for good work. Its more just a dreary, laid back day type day feeling.

Yet, I must get some work. Be it schoolwork or Sunshine Girl or Finding Eve Montez.

I certainly hope I get something done. I've only written plot ideas for Finding Eve Montez, and I have to write in an entire perspective throughout the book and a funeral for Sunshine Girl, so a good 15,000 more words O_O.

I have shit tons of work.

Well, writing wise. I do.

I don't quite have a deadline, but I have a mental deadline for Sunshine Girl. I want it done before I go to Disney World for spring break, and I want to be sending Blue off to agents by then. So April. April is hopefully when things will start kicking into gear and such :) I'm so excited. I hope it all works out well.

I want to help pay for my college. I want to start making a name for myself. I just want to do stuff and have it matter, dammit. I will make it matter.

I have gotten a lot of ambition in the past few months. I'm not sure if its good or bad.

I just feel that storytelling is such an art form, and though I would gladly do it for free, I'd love to help my parents pay for college. I'd love to not have to take out so many loans. I'd love to have my pen name known throughout the world.

Sorry to bum you out if you already didn't know, but Grace Jordan is my pen-name, not my real name. But i intend to use it in my writing and hopefully, get literary esteem with it.

Cocky, maybe. I don't know. I'm not saying I'm the best. But I have things to say and I feel they're important and it would benefit people to hear them. I have things to say about issues of the world, like depression, abuse, homosexuality, suicide. And I feel they're really important things to say. This is why I find Blue, Sunshine Girl, and Finding Eve Montez so important to me. Because they're not just wholly some story I made up; these are real things that happen to real people. I may be entranced by horror and gore and violence, but its not the stuff that feels so real that it gets to you. Its the people, its the reality, its the true lives touched by these things.

And I just feel that maybe, just maybe, these stories may raise awareness about the things I care so much about. Maybe I'm not an expert on abuse, or homosexuality, or even depression even though I have been a victim of it, but I seem to be pretty good at making people feel other people, to feel how they feel, to feel their pain. To make people simply feel.

I dunno. I wish my babies luck as I finish them and begin carting them off to agents and then to publishers. I hope, sincerely, that they can make a difference.

I just want them to make someone think or feel, maybe just for a second. Then it would be worth it.

I just want my book children to make a difference in this world, and to matter. Isn't that what every sort of mother wants?

Wish my babies luck, you.

And maybe they'll touch you one day too.

Love,

Grace

Day 23: I don't want to though

The struggle of not wanting to do something.

I love dance, ok maybe not love, but i like dance, its fun, but today.

NOOOOO

N to the O to the absolutely NOT

We had a snow day today so it just feels... wrong going ot dance. It feels awful. It feels bad. I just do not want to do it.

And this is a downside of being a high school senior, instead of getting a say in the matter, my mother has just said no.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. 

But I really have no desire to go. I could be doing work during that time. Work that I only want to do during that time. I just feel it very unnecessary to go when going would make me hate today and make me stay up quite late doing the work I would have done during that time.

Night is my homework time. Night and early morning.

Not this afternoon bullshit!

So basically, I am not giving up on this front. I do not want to go to dance tonight, and I think I might put my foot down on this. Seriously. I'm not going to learn much if I just hate being there while I'm there anyway.

So no dance for me!

I literally cannot go today without being majorly annoyed. So no.

I can't.

Snow day for school = snow day for dance.

End of story, please.

I guess I just don't love it like i used to. Which is fine, whatever, I'll muscle through this year. But I shouldn't also be forced to go when I really don't want to.

And also when I have homework to do.  

Ugh.

She better not make me go to dance.

I pray for my poor little soul i don't have to go. Help me pray.

Have a lovely day, I suppose.

Love,

Grace

 

Day 22: Sunshine Girl and Finding Eve Montez

So, two new projects ahead for me.

Sunshine Girl, a story of abuse.

And Finding Eve Montez, a story about homosexuality.

I'm quite excited for both, honestly. The only struggle is I don't know what to work on most. I love Sunshine Girl, but maybe I should put that on a back burner and focus on Finding Eve Montez, because it seems to be a more interesting story involving chatrooms, bullying, falling for and losing friends, faking your life to make others happy...

I dunno. Something about Eve Montez intrigues me.

What I know about Eve so far is that she is strong, but very confused. She is very passionate about softball and about family, but she doesn't know how she'll be treated if she ever comes out. She's brave, but bravery does not always fare well.

But i also adore Sunshine Girl, the story of an abused daughter who loves her father too much and is too attached to his memories to stop him.

Oh well, we shall see how this goes. I just refinished Sunshine Girl so that one's likely to get on my publishing list next.

Yay depressing shit!

I feel so emotionally drained you don't even know.

Wish me luck on writing!

I wish you luck on life.

Love,

Grace

Day 21.5: Its over.

Its all over.

I want to go back, I wish it more than anything, but I can't.

We've gone too far, and we can't go back now.

Its like my favorite Andrew Paul Woodworth song, Starting To Turn.

"I know, I must be caught, in between what, I  want and should say, and we know deep in the well of my heart, I really want to stay... But I'm already starting to turn away."

I kind of am living this song right now. You should really look it up, its tragically beautiful.

It just hurts. But I know I made the right call for my sanity. I couldn't take that friendship anymore. It was so painfully toxic. So toxic.

It wasn't good for either of us. And it hurts a lot, just like a break up, but I honestly think its for the best. Otherwise we'd truly begin to hate each other.

We just weren't right for each other anymore. We got on each other's nerves too often, we are too irritated with each other, we simply don't see eye to eye anymore. And we certainly don't understand one another anymore.

I'd love to just say she doesn't get me anymore, and put her as the one at fault, but honestly, I don't get her anymore either. I don't understand why she does what she does. All I do is piss myself off trying to figure it out.

It was a good friendship. And we had some great times. But its over now, and I have to be ok with that.

I have to live with my choice.

It was a hard choice to make, and maybe it was 'the easy way out', but I know me, and I know that I can't take anymore fights and I don't think she could either.

I wish apologizing could fix it all. But it can't. Sometimes things stay broken.

And we're broken.

Maybe she'll hate me for my decision. I don't know. But I had to stop us from stabbing ourselves in the heart all the time by being friends. I couldn't take the pain anymore.

Its hard to let go of relationships you've grown comfortable in. Hell, its why so many people wrong for each other stick together for so long. Because its simply comfortable to. Its simply familiar.

But someone's got to look at the relationship and realize when enough is enough.

And I don't think any of my friends agree with me, and maybe they'll all hate me for it, but I had to call it with Mandy. I had to call it off. There was no other logical choice.

Maybe I'm heartless, maybe I'm cruel, maybe i made the wrong decision. But I made it and I can't turn back now.

I'm already starting to turn away.

Its painful, but it happens. And now I just have to live with it.

Here's to loving.

Cheers, dears.

Love,

Grace

Day 21: Blame game and pain again

For everything that goes wrong in my life, if I'm sad, I always find a good enough reason to blame myself. I wasn't enough, I didn't help enough, I hurt too much, I'm too uncompromising.

I blame myself daily for every loss I've ever had. And it hurts. I still sit and wonder what I could do to stop all the pain that went with Marissa. And now i'm dealing with the same thing with Mandy.

Its just... If all we do is hurt each other I don't see the point. Neither of us are getting much out of this relationship anymore. We don't trust each other. We hate certain nitpicks about one another. We are unhappy whenever we disagree. We cut ourselves and cry ourselves to sleep over each other, and that's the definition of a toxic relationship.

I think, if things had been fixed at the initial conflict, things would have been ok.

But they weren't. And she's still not sorry about the event, so how can I trust her again? How can she trust me again?

The more I think about it, the more I know I started the animosity. I made the first step. But at the same time, she didn't have to walk the path with me. She could have stopped me, asked me why I was being such a prick, and stopped the entire path.


But she didn't.

We stopped trusting each other. We stopped telling each other important things. We stopped caring as much, and became harsher, crueler.

It wasn't all my fault, but I do share the blame. A lot of it.

And now she's sub tweeting me, and I want to respond, but my responses will only prolong this argument. This absolute misery should not be the price for happiness.

Moreover, I've always known its easier to leave people before they leave me. Why not continue the pattern?

Shut up my damaged heart like I always do, and pack up and leave. Be done. Stop fighting.

Because, yet again, underneath all my maturity and growth and positivity, there she is. The scared little four year old girl who will never leave me, no matter how hard I try. The part of me I shut away when my brother died. The part of me that never grew, never developed, because I always hid her away from the world. The part of me I pretend doesn't exist.

Part of this problem is I don't know if I can trust her again with all my secrets. Another part of me is simply scared of becoming even more hurt. Scared of what could happen, because the trend of despair and pain in my life is too much to bear. My trend of losing those who I care about is too much. With my track record, it'll only get worse from here if I don't cut myself off now.

I don't know what to do. A good friend would keep on fighting for love, work through the bullshit...

But scared little four year old me can't take this anymore.

I want to be stronger than her, so badly. I want to grow up fully and be able to trust people, to throw myself whole-heartedly into their arms and take risks.

But I never will be.

I will always be that scared little four year old girl.

I fucked it up. I always fuck it up.

I'll always miss you, Marissa, you were my first true friend.

And Mandy... I wish I could do something. I wish I was stronger.

But I'm not. And I'm sorry you're hurt because of it.

I don't know. Everything hurts.

There's nothing I could do. I wish I could, but she's always been stronger than me.

I hate that scared little girl. I always have.

Thanks for listening.

Love,

Grace

Day 20.5: She hates me

So that friend, Mandy, that I bring up, right?

99% sure she either legitimately hates me or subconsciously does. So joy to the world.

*Jumps off proverbial cliff*

I just... we've been friends since freshman year. This isn't as long as my friend Marissa, but its still pretty damn long. And you know what, here I go just losing friends again. yet again, the friends i have left, Kenzie and Michael, will say its not my fault. Of course they will. But c'mon,with a track record of at least three failed friendships, and the only common denominator being me, whose fault is is?

Its obviously mine.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I can't fix this friendship with Mandy, we're too far gone. She's called me exhausting, and thinks i'm obsessed with my own mental instabilities and romanticize them, even though I don't, I just accept them instead of fight them and get even more burned by them, and thinks I shove my positivity down people's thoats, and she doesn't even trust me with anything important in her life.

She didn't even tell me she liked a boy, for god's sakes, so I told the boy I kinda liked him, and he told her and now...

She thinks she's out of his league and dislikes me.

Its all a fuckery.

I don't know what to do. I want to still be friends with her, I love her, but at the same time I can't take this anymore, her constantly disappointing me or hating me.

I didn't want to do anything until senior year ended, dammit.

But i don't know. I just ...

We used to be so close. And now we're like sort of friends. Maybe. At most.

We used to tell everything to each other. Every little thing. And now she tells me nothing. I have to find out about things from goddamn twitter.

I don't know. I'm crying now. Dammit. I haven't cried over a friend since... well, Mandy, but I haven't cried about the thought of losing a friend since Marissa.

I haven't really cared about losing a friend since her.

And that terrifies me, because last time that happened I...

I cried every day. I cut my arms with twigs. I screamed and hid my feelings and I often thought about-

I can't talk about it. I just don't know what would happen if I lost someone like that ever again. It terrifies me. I like being whole and being happy, I don't know if I could handle....

I just can't stop being friends with her. But i can't be around her either.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry. I can't blog anymore.

I'm sorry.

Love,

Grace

Day 20: Am I funny?

No, not socially. I'm not very funny socially at all. I'm a good discussion person, and a good friend, but I'm not the funniest person.

Now, let me write and create funny situations, and I'm good. I can do that all day long.

I once was working on a novel in progress entitled Love Squared, about a couple of teenagers who are fake dating but start falling for each other. It sounds lame, but they get in pretty funny situations sometimes. I get most of my humor from Sophie Kinsella books, so you know. Such is life.

Anyway, if you haven't noticed I love me some writing.

And I finished Blue! And I don't know what to do with myself!

Oh frabjous day!

But no, seriously, I don't know what I want to do. Do I want to write science fiction now? Do I want to write romcom? Do I want to write another mental illness/love commentary/tragedy? What do I wish to do?

I heard i'm pretty good at all of them, so I don't know what to choose. People like Blue a lot. People like Love Squared a lot. People like Star Crossed Killer quite a bit as well. So what do I do? How do I find my writing niche?

I have yet to find it and that bothers me.

Every writer has that genre they always write in, Stephen King does horror (An avenue I've also wondered about) Sophie Kinsella does romcom, Chistopher Paolini does fantasy, etc. Each person has a niche where they write the stories they choose to write.

Me?

I like all genre's. I like romance, I like science fiction, I like fantasy, I like horror, I like comedy, I like it all! Only type I have yet to be able to write or try to write is mystery, so I guess that's one genre down, but seriously.

My first novel was fantasy.

My second attempted novel was science fiction.

My third attempted novel was romcom.

My second actually finished novel was realistic fiction/tragedy.

WHAT AM I?

Some strange author hybrid? Should I have fifteen different pen names for each genre I write in? Like, what the hell, Grace?

I don't know what to do. I'm good at serious and suspense and drama, but I'm also good at funny. The struggle.

Guess I'll figure it out, I suppose.

Maybe I should try a mix. Maybe a funny-ish story about a mentally ll girl. Maybe this time instead of the effect of depression, I talk about the fact that crazy people are normal too. Maybe I make it a rom-com too. Who knows? We shall see.

Maybe I'll write the commentary again, I like social stuff. And I have written one on abuse before, why not continue my stories? Maybe one on abuse, or bipolar disorder, or simply a coming of age story. I dunno. We shall see.

Wish me luck!

I certainly wish you luck.

\Love,

Grace

Day 19.5: The struggle of obtaining book tastes

So, we had to read Poisonwood Bible in Ap Lit. I got bored one night and, without annotating, read ahead and finished the book. I thought it would be no big deal to go back a second time through and annotate it, no biggie, I liked it well enough.

But two weeks ago I went back to try to annotate it, and I wanted to cry.

I only liked the book, only moderately ok, so going back, I didn't realize I'd hate it.

I'd hate going back and trying to read again. I just have to accept my teacher's horrified, disappointed face because honestly, I can't. And that scares me. I hate that disapproving look.

I hate disappointing people, more than anything, honestly.

Its probably why though I have dark impulses I am a goody two shoes. Because though i think, nah I'll just fail this class, or nope, won't do my homework, just picturing disappointment terrifies me. But at the same time I can't find love in doing something I hate. So its a double edged sword. Be miserable and do work or be happy and get disappointing looks.

That is one thing I hate about learning. Having to learn things you hate to be 'acceptable' in life. People should only do things they enjoy, or don't mind doing. I know that's unrealistic, but you'd think we have so many people in the world maybe it could almost be entirely true.

I dunno. I just wish the education system tried harder to make kids happy instead of making them miserable. Because I know way too many miserable students.

Also, I may have a new novel idea. get hyped! Blue is finished and I'm thinking of new things, how exciting. I'm excited. You should be excited too.

Not trying to push my happiness on you or want to make you happy for me sorry.

Anyway...

I found someone to swap all of Blue with me and that makes me happy, to get an overall review of the entire thing. Makes me a little hyped.

I'm just hyped.

Just get hyped!

Love,

Grace

Day 19: Six word stories

So, I stared a new class today. Its a science fiction class, and I am so excited to be writing and reading science fiction like a mad woman.

Today, our first ever assignment, he assigns for us to create a six word story.

I immediately began scribbling down words.

I came up with a couple that I love:

The child was perfect, however violent.

He held the world in his hands, empty.

Malignant light blinds them. Its begun.

(A personal tidbit from Blue)

Love chokes you until you're blue.

And my personal favorite:

He never told them forever ends.

I dunno, but I'm in love with them. I almost want to write a fiction story about the apocalypse of everything, of the fall of heaven or something, because it only proves that forever ends.Maybe that will be my next novel, even though I'll get a ton of ridicule from religious people. Oh well/

It just sounds like a fun premise. He never told them that forever ends.

It could be so much. The end of love, or faith, or a family, or anything really. Its just so ambiguous and perfect and ahhh I hope it wins the contest tomorrow.

I just, i love writing so much. I just want so badly to be good at it.

The teacher said I can submit more than one, so I'm thinking I'll submit three; Malignant, forever, and empty. They sound like good ones.

They actually sound perfect.

I'm so excited I cannot contain my joy.

EEP!

Wish me luck. :)

Love,

Grace

Day 18: On the plus side...

On the plus side.

My friends made me think of something really depressing today, involving an event I had involving walking around in the snow. Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive right now and not slip into sadness.

So On the plus side.

On the plus side, I have been accepted to the college I want to go to. I have finished all the waiting bullshit and now just have to write some essays and fill out some forms for financial aid, but I'm still gonig to go. And that makes me ecstatic.

On the plus side, I wrote a novel. A short one, at only about 26k words, which is super short for a novel, but still a novel, or at least a novella. And if I'm not bragging, I hope I'm not bragging, its what I hope to be a darn good one. just some setting edits, because being emotion driven I sometimes forget, and by sometimes I mean most times, forget to describe the setting.

On the plus side, I have decent friends. Sure, they're kind of a mess sometimes. Sure, they sometimes annoy the shit out of me. But i still love them and no one's perfect.

On the plus side, I have good grades. I have absolutely nothing to freak out about. My grades are ncie and the senioritis has yet to hit me. Unfortunately, I feel it coming ,but not quite yet.

On the plus side, I'm pretty happy. There's not anything particularly wrong in my life. Sure, I'm single., Sure, said book I finished is not published, but I'm working on it. Working on me to make myself a better person and the dating will come, and the book, once I've made proper edits, maybe i can get it published. Who knows.

DUDE I LEFT THIS FOR LIKE THREE HOURS.

KILL ME.

Anyway, all the drama aside,

On the plus side, I'm happy being me.

That's good enough for now.

Love,

Grace

Day 17.875: What a sad realization to come to, real and fictional

So I realized something pretty major awhile back that i didn't even think about, not really, until now.

My friends don't care about my writing. They don't try to read my writing, they don't seem excited over it like I am, just the occasional "Yay Grace!" when i finish a story up.

They read one page and then just stop, like my feelings don't matter.

I put my soul into my writing, and its ok for stranger's to reject it, that I understand. But my own friends? That's low, and painful.

Yet again, its probably just another case of friends being inconsiderate and not thinking about me, not actually trying to attack me with some sort of vendetta. But I can't help but feel like if they really cared they would bother to read it. They'd share my happy moments, and my sad moments, not just the moments that they want to share. They'd read my writing for the simple fact that they loved me and wanted to feel my heart, which is beating in the pages of that story.

I dunno, I'm getting deep. Maybe I should send my writing to other friends, not the ones who mean well but always seem to let me down. Well, more Mandy than Kenzie, but still. My best friends aren't perfect.

I guess I shouldn't expect them to be either, but something would be nice.

Its decided. I'll send it to another friend, one who I'm pretty certain will read it for me.

Problem solved.

Ok, not really, I'm still upset with my best friends, but knowing some of my friends care is better than nothing.

I also think I talk about writing on here a lot because no one cares if I rant about writing, they just listen if they want to. No one is giving me uninterested looks or looks of disdain.

So anyway, onto another sad realization.

Blue is not a love story.

I thought it was a minor love story, between Morgan and Conner, but the more I wrote from Morgan's perspective, and the more I thought of Conner's obsessive worship of her, I realized, its not a love story. Morgan and Conner were in love with each other, once, but soon they find themselves in love with the idea of each other rather than who they really are. Morgan obsessively tries to figure Conner out, at any costs, while Conner is simply using Morgan as a source of happiness, as a source of light, where he has none. She could be a sack of potatoes personality wise and he'd still try to place all his future hope on her.

They are people in love with each other, but people that are not right for each other.

That's more tragic than anything. That's why I think when i called the story a tragedy on one website, i think was the most accurate I have ever been about it. Its a tragedy. Everything is tragic. No one has a happy ending, its just violent truth about depression and love and the way the world works.

I know if I'm ever published people will either see my point or, unfortunately, fall in love with Morgan and Conner's "Love story". But honestly, after reading it several times, I just don't think its as much of a love story as it is a sad story about two kids who tried to find each other together and it didn't work out.

And it not working out, that hope dying, is one of the most tragic things of all.

If I wasn't so manic I'd be crying.

Oh well.

Hope I didn't depress anyone too horribly.

keep up the smiles, you, I mean it. Smiling makes you beautiful, always.

Good night.

Love,

Grace

Day 17.75: Can I just write forever?

I have come to a sad realization...

I really don't like psychology very much. I love my English classes, I love my AP Environmental Science class, but I cannot seem to get myself to happily do the work for psych. Its interesting enough, sure, but I'm not interested enough to want to study it every day.

I fall asleep in class for god's sake's. I'll muster my way through the second half, I'm sure, but Jesus, man. This class just does not work for me.

On the other hand, I have spent all day writing and editing and all that wonderfulness.

I need free writing rehab. I have been writing like a mad person for the past two weeks, wanting to shirk duties for the stuff. I contemplated crying tonight so that I didn't have to go to dance and could pretend to study but actually write more. Who does that?

An ADDICT, that's who.

I need serious help.

I mean, I want to write. I love writing. I might do it as a profession. But honestly, guys, this is an awful way to get things done. Not studying, not sleeping, avoiding friends, avoiding responsibilities, just because I want to write.

Is this how authors get sometimes? Kind of crazy?

If it is, I mean, by all means, I'd love to be told I act like an author. But otherwise, this madness needs to stop. Because its going to start affecting the rest of my life, and that is not very good.

Well, life keeps going, I suppose. We'll just see where my bout of mania takes me next. Because I have no doubt in me that its mania anymore. I'm laughing at sad things, I'm being manipulative, I'm hyper, I'm hypersexual, I'm writing like crazy...

Mania it is. Damn you excessive happiness. Look what you're doing to me.

Best/worst part of mania? If I don't study for psych I'll probably not do well on the test tomorrow, but I honestly don't care at the moment. I don't care about anything but writing.

Dear God(s) whatever or wherever, please help me.

And may they help you, too, for wasting so much time reading this crazy blog.

Still adore you.

Love,

Grace

Day 17.5: Lack of patience and other character flaws

I am losing my shit.

I posted my story, Blue, on Figment and asked for several swaps. And no one, I repeat NO ONE, has honored said swaps yet.

I'm going to lose it.

I have the patience of a flea when it comes to my stories. I swear.

I also have to study for my AP Psych midterm and I am not excited. I do NOT want to do it at all. In comparison with my APES and AP Lit classes, AP Psych is downright boring to me. Is that awful to say? A little bit. I used to think I wanted to go into psychology, but if the basics kill me like this, I don't even know, man.

OH MY GOD EVERY SENTENCE HAS STARTED WITH I. AS A WRITER I WANT TO DIE.

That is a sin in the writing world. variation, man, don't be a repetitive stick in the mud too much. I mean, Jesus.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how annoyed I am with waiting and how much I don't want to study Psych. Such is the struggle of Studious Grace. It'll all get done and be fine, but for the moment i am NOT feeling it.

Oh well. Shit happens.

Smiles, everyone.

Except you jerks who haven't reviewed my stuff yet. No smiles for you.

Love,

Grace

Day 17: College and other messes of life

College. It freaks everyone the fuck out, right?

Its understandable. Between the applications and the cost and the stress of work, it drives a lot of kids bonkers. I feel bad, because I am fortunately stable enough for the crazy. I've already been accepted to where I want to go, I'm working on novels that might help pay for my college, and i know who I want to be, what I want to do, and I already have pretty good work ethic.

But a lot of my friends haven't been accepted yet, don't know how they'll pay for it, don't know how they'll do, what they're doing, and aren't very solid on work ethic. I worry for them. The tremendous trembling that it causes me is terrifying.

Whoops alliteration party over here.

Anyway, its just scary, the future. I feel like I know where I'm going, to be an author or scientist, either studying animal behaviorism or environmental science, or maybe both if I can make the time for it. It just scares me that people don't have plans. I would have lost it by now if I didn't have a plan, I can't even imagine how terrifying it is.

Actually, I can. For a day, I felt it. And it was the most stressful, horrendous day and I cried all day until I got my acceptance letter from my college and everything got better.

But before that, it was utter hell.

I could feel the bile rise up in my throat as I thought of how my friends worried about being accepted or not. I had sent in my only application weeks ago, and had yet to hear back. Suddenly, panic was striking me. I had said thank you at the end of the bloody letter, for god's sakes. How in the world did I expect to get in?

I was pacing around my living room, talking to my mom how I was certain i couldn't have gotten in. No way. No way Jose. It couldn't happen. But at the same time, I knew I'd cry if it didn't happen.

I was freaking out.

My mom was trying to calm me down, but I was on the brink of tears. I could feel every fear of the future bubbling to the surface. What if I didn't get in? What if college didn't work out for me? What if I simply wasn't good enough? (This will be a reoccurring theme in the meltdowns of Grace, so might as well note it now)

Finally, my mom insisted we check the progress indicator online of my application. I tried to quell the panic, insisting to myself they'd be looking at it and I wouldn't get denied yet, and it would all be ok for the moment. That I was safe for a little bit longer.

Yet my stomach still churned, my palms sweated, and as I typed in my ID number, I was to the brink of jumping off the proverbial sanity cliff again. I was jittery as Mexican jumping beans, and my mom put a hand on my shoulder to try to stop my twitching but it didn't happen.

Then, the screen popped up to the application status. And I almost screamed.

'Congratulations, you are accepted'

I cried, right then and there.

It was the first time in my life I had ever cried for joy, and I will never forget it.

Now that pain is over for me, and I only dealt with it for a day. It horrifies me how people who haven't got accepted must feel. I almost feel the bile rise again in my body at the mere thought of going back to waiting. Its killer.

So hopefully, if you also feel this way, you're relieved soon of the pain. I can only imagine what a day would feel like, not weeks or months. I wish the best for everyone dealing with it.

I hope everyone can feel hope come from this, because I felt the panic too, and was saved from it. I hope everyone can feel that, and maybe cry of joy too.

Good luck, you.

Love,

Grace

Day 16.5: Endless story from the pits of hell

Oh my god, I hate how wrapped up in stories I get. I hate how determined i am to know the ending, because, dammit, sometimes I really need to just let it go.

So I was reading a fanfiction (Still am, honestly, I'm a chapter from the end) and i knew I shouldn't get wrapped up in a chapter story romance. I have a disease, especially with romances, that I must know how it ends, even if the coupling or setting or writing sucks. I must know what happens to them. And this long ass story is going to be the death of me.

33 chapters of hell, and I have read almost all of them. Lots of boring adventure and long-winded thoughts, and it was just... Ok, it was a good idea. It was decent writing. Nothing struck me as full on awful, but that's what made it awful... It was so plainly average that I skimmed the fuck out of it but at the same time I couldn't stop reading. I had to know what happened to the characters.

I hate myself. I hate myself so much right now.

I really just want to jump into a deep hole, honestly.

Maybe a volcano.

Anyway, its been awful. So I'm a poor, messed up child and need help. End of story.

And I also have a disease where i check my grades and my figment every few minutes to see if things have changed, which they often haven't. Hahahaha kill me.

Have a better night than me.

Love,

Grace

Day 16: Therapy and other ventures of the heart

I went to therapy today, and we talked about my friend Mandy. It was kind of nice. We basically concluded, my therapist and I, that she may be inconsiderate and a bit self-absorbed, but she must be pretty special for me to stick around this long. So I guess that's a plus. And we decided I should jsut keep a level head and avoid drama and continue being happy.

So I shall do just that!

I might hang out with Kenzie later. I'm excited, because I really love Kenzie. She may have a problem being on her phone a lot, and she does snap sometimes, but I really do love her.

So i think I might have a tiny growth on my arm that's concerning me. I don't know how to feel about it. I probably should go to a doctor about it O_O

People are loving Blue. I'm jumping with joy. I feel kind of bad that the second its done I'm going to delete it from the internet, but at the same time if I'm published i will literally die. Literally.

I would love if Blue was published. Its my baby and I adore it. Its a realistic fiction, a social commentary, a drama, a romance, and can even being happy and funny sometimes though its dark, sad nature.

I just love it. I can't wait for it to be fully finished.

Thank you for listening to my psychobabble about it, honestly. I try not to rant too much about it in front of friends, but its hard sometimes haha.

I just love writing, its apart of my soul.

I can't wait to see where writing takes me.

Hope you smile today.

Love,

Grace

Day 15: Blue and other commitments I've made

So, I am halfway done with Blue, again.

This must be confusing, I know. I just recently said I completely finished it. But yet again... I decided to revamp it to make it better. It is now much longer than before, and I am in love with it all over again. Its awesome.

Basically, I just mean to say I've revamped half of it and I'm working on the second half now. What joy, right? I'm somewhere between annoyingly impatient and really excited for this development. I'd love for it to be done NOW, but its kind of fun writing it all out again.

 I'm just excited in general, honestly. I love the story and i can't wait for it to be finished.

If anyone's interested, here's the link to it, if you want to read the finished first half, up to chapter 31:

http://figment.com/books/633624-Blue

So how are you?

I wish you could answer. We could have some sort of conversation, back and forth, about our lives maybe. Maybe we could really care for each other, become close friends, or even fall in love. Who knows?

No one. That's what's so thrilling and terrifying about life. No one knows quite how it will work out.

Ok, I'm now rambling like some strange, old philosopher. I probably should get off the blog.

Cheers, you.

Love,

Grace

Day 14: (possibly) Committing one of the deadly sins of friendship

I have done it. I don't know, maybe I haven't really. Its confusing.

Regardless, I may have committed one of the friendship deadly sins.

I'm flirting with a guy my friend might like.

I know this isn't a big deal in the long run of life, I know very well this kind of shit won't matter in the future. But its the truth.

Its confusing where I really stand in this, though, because I liked him first, a long while ago, then she practically jumped on him.  Which should really be her offense, because it was kind of rude for me to tell her I had a baby crush on him and then literally jump on him like a stripper to a pole.

And not only that, but she's hooked up with my first love (Granted long after I was done with him) and flirted with boys my other friend really cares about. Its just inconsiderate and rude and thoughtless. I really hate that about her, the way she has no restraint or even thought when it comes to guys, and seems to be more interested in them when her friends like them, like its suddenly some competition to her.

Its kind of sickening, honestly.

My best guy friend, Michael, is totally sick of her shit and calls her a witch now. I feel bad but at the same time kind of agree with him.

I've gotten to the point that I'm hoping mildly unfortunate things will happen to her just so she stops feeling so high and mighty like she's above all her friends. That's awful to do, and as her friend I feel guilty, but another part of me feels no guilt.

By the way, this is the friend I always complain about. Mandy. So for clarification, this is the one that pissed me off. The one that yelled at me. The one who did this, who did that, i am so bothered by her lately I cannot even make a list of what I have complained about her doing. Eeks.

But anyway I feel bad because she may like this guy, but at the same time, I liked him originally and I do like talking to him now, so what can I really do? If she's done the same thing to me, it can't really be a crime against her by now. Oh well, if she gets pissed off for me talking to him, screw her. I'm not taking her bullshit anymore.

Good talk, thanks, its nice to rant and get things out.

Have a lovely night, you.

Love,

Grace

Day 13: Thanks for the memories

One more night and one more time, thanks for the memories, even if they weren't so great.

Dude, that is how I feel with some of my friends sometimes haha its a mess.

GODDAMMIT I DID IT AGAIN, I REVIEWED AND THEN IGNORED MY BLOG. I HATE MYSELF.

Ok maybe I don't quite hate myself. But still, I must stop doing this .We must stop meeting this way, you and I.

Anyway, I had a really lovely conversation with two friends, no sarcasm, about love and life and other friends and relationships. It was really deep and nice, I really loved it.

We talked about a friend of ours, Mandy, that can be really irritating sometimes. We love her, truly, but she just does some really inconsiderate shit sometimes and there is no good way to tell her or confront her about it without it blowing up into a huge fight.

Problem is, she flirts too much. She flirts too much for anyone's comfort. And i guess that's fine, when its not the guys we have serious feelings for. But of course, its the guys we have serious feelings for.

Problem?

I think yes...

It just hurts when your friend is going after someone that you care or cared about. Its just kind of in friend code not to do that sort of thing. But, alas, our dear Mandy is sically awkward. Not in the traditional sense, no, she knows how to talk to people, she just doesn't understand what's not ok to say or do. And its frustrating because there's no way to tell her that she does this without upsetting her.

People, man. People are a mess.

I don't have much else to say but I'm busy editing, like normal. Whoot! Its exciting!

Anyway, have a nice night.

Love,

Grace

Day 12.5: Snow white and the seven dicks

I dunno, I just get a feeling a lot of my friends are kind of awful to me, and I need to work on making new ones. I have some friends in this computer science class I have, (Har har, yes, I'm such a nerd) who are pretty great actually. I feel like... me around them. More of a me than the restrained one around some of my other friends.

And i seem to get along better with boys. No, this is not the same old 'i like boys better than girls, girl suck, blah blah' mantra. I hate that mantra. I wish that mantra would just go die in a hole.

I like girls. I like to be around them, and hell knows that sleepovers with them telling secrets can be a lot of fun.

But the thing is, I love video games. I love making dirty jokes, and inappropriate jokes, and not having to worry about not being offensive, and sometimes I just like being a 'guy'. Nothing has to be serious, but when it does get serious, it happens and someone kicks your ass into feeling better and you get through it.

I truly don't like female coddling even though I tend to do it. Or maybe its not just females, maybe its just the certain females I hang out with. I miss people who when I was sad either told me I was being ridiculous or made me laugh until I was crying for entirely lovely reasons.

I miss eighth grade or ninth grade, no matter how awful as hell those years might have been. But then I had really good friends. I want them back.

Even Alan, the annoying prick who I hated to love sometimes.

Oh, dear lord, the stories I have to tell you about Alan sometimes. He and I are quite a mess.

Beyond a mess...

Everything involving him is a mess honestly haha .

Let's simply just say I've been in love with him several times, and he was in love with me once, and its been a mess ever since. Now we're friends, sort of, who only hang out in groups or text, rarely one on one. Which I don't quite mind but at the same time do because we used to be close. Real close, as in best friends close.

He's kind of an asshole of a disaster now, but I still care about him. He was my first love.

Anyway, I miss having stable, good friends, not friends that frustrated me every second. I miss having friends on the same page as me.

I miss who i was back then. Not the whiny, lovesick part, but the happy, tons of friends, trotting around like she owned the world Grace.

I miss Shannon, Alan, Jeremy, Ashley.... I miss all of them.

I miss a lot of things, I miss how they used to be.

Well that took a depressing turn.

Oh well.

Good night, I suppose.

Love,

Grace

Day 12: Mornings and their songs

So, I haven't always been a person.

I once was a meerkat, but once I found I was too large for their tunnels they kicked me out. 

I'm totally kidding. Today, this morning, I mean to say I haven't always been a morning person. I used to be a strict night owl, only liking it when it was dark outside. But then middle school hit, and I became the girl who was still hyper as hell and barely slept. I went to bed about midnight or one, woke up at about six. I certainly didn't need to wake up that early, I just liked it. I'm weird. 

And the best part is I'm not saying I'm not still a night person. I still stay up until at least midnight most nights, but now I normally wake at five thirty. O_O 

When you finally say it on paper it sounds a lot worse than it actually feels. I feel totally comfortable with only about six hours of sleep. It is my norm, and I could probably be fine on less. Not completely agreeable, but fine. 

I like not picking either a lot better than picking one, because either you stay up too late and sleep in like crazy, which sucks, or wake up too early and go to bed at an annoyingly early time. 

I fortunately have no downsides to my arrangement. 

HOW EXCITING IS THAT?

Ok, its morning, you probably don't enjoy being shouted at. But cmon, its at least a little bit exciting.

I'm excited!

Oh, and finals start today. Wish me luck! I may need it haha

Happy morning to you! 

Love, 

Grace

Day 11: Phone rant, AKA the I want to murder my friends talk

So i'm literally blogging from bed. I don't want to miss a day of blogging, but seriously, how goddamn lazy am I?

At least not as lazy and internet obsessed as my friends. Dear jesus. 

I warn you now, i may go on a bit of a rant. So here we go...

I unfortunately have the type of friends that spend way too much time on their phones. Its annoying as shit, first of all, when you're being more considerate and putting your phone away so that they don't feel ignored. I will be honest i am sometimes susceptible to goofing on my phone with them simply because they LITERALLY IGNORE ME FOR THEIR PHONES SOMETIMES. If you can't tell it infuriates me. 

First off, what kind of life is that, just sitting on your phone? What are you bring productive about? Oh, you have more tumblr followers today? Congrats, that matters sooo much in life. 

It just bothers me that they spend so much of their lives online. My best friend, Michael, absolutely hates it and refuses to even eat lunch with us anymore. I don't blame him, its boring as shit when they just sit on their phones, scrolling through stupid, useless information. 

I'm actually tempted to go sit with him and our friend Stephen than sitting with them and their dumb phones. They probably wouldn't even notice I was gone. 

Maybe i'm just not an internet person. Ok that's a lie I spend hours on writing websites. But being that I want to one day write novels as part of my career, that's important and fruitful to me. I guess i just don't understand where they're internet use serves them. And i don't understand why its so important you have to ignore your friends. 

Guess i'm just irritated by it, honestly. It makes me feel inadequate and boring. I mean, who doesn't feel boring when friends find phones moreinteresting than   them? 

Not even to mention how they're always on their phones when around me but not always on their phones when away from me. I love my friends but at the same time I wonder if its good i'm going to college and getting new ones soon :/ 

Anyway, end rant here.

Hope you had a better day than me haha and wish me luck on finals. 

Love, 

Grace

Day 10: An itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, bit pissed off

So, I've told you how I've written a novel, right?

Well, I post my novels on Figment. And on Figment sometimes you "Swap" with another author, meaning you review theirs, they reviews yours, and its all happy. Its been over 24 hours and this person has not done their end of the swap. O_O I'm going to murder them.

Ok, I'm totally overreacting. They'll probably review in the next day or two.

BUT WHAT IF THEY DON'T. 

This kind of shit is why I can't be on a mood high while trying to promote my writing. Because I get irritable and mean and a little bit crazy...

So, I told you I would tell you a story, so here it is. And for safety's sake I will change names, so hopefully no one I know ever finds this. O_O

let's set the scene. I was in my friend Marissa's basement and me and my friends were all hanging out. I had a boyfriend at the time, named Matt. It was only eighth grade, so it wasn't serious. But the whole group was sitting in a circle when, out of the blue, one of my friends, Alan, decides to be a prick.

"Grace and Matt should kiss!" Before I could protest, he stood, and motioned to everyone else. "C'mon guys, let's give them some privacy."

AND THE ENTIRE GROUP BUT MATT AND I FOLLOWED HIM OUT.

*cue awkward music* 

So Matt and I sat awkwardly in silence for awhile, and I liked the kid, but I wasn't at all in love with him. He was just fun to talk to and nice, so I dated him. Anyway, Matt suddenly looks at me, and says, "You know, I really would like to kiss you, Grace."

He begins to lean towards me, and then, right there, I get a nauseous feeling in my stomach. Without a second thought, I muttered, "I have to go to the bathroom."

And I ran upstairs and puked. I was mortified at the time, but now I can't help but laugh at it. But I barely talked to Matt the rest of the entire night after that, and gave him an awkward hug goodbye.


The next week I broke up with Matt...

Ok, I'm awful, I broke his heart, but honestly, guys, he tried to kiss me and I puked. if that wasn't a sigh I didn't like him I don't know what was.

So that is my story for the day. I'm an awful, despicable human being who pukes when her boyfriend says he wants to kiss her haha. Why am I laughing? God, if Matt knew... I dunno. But thank the dear lords he does not know. That would have made our break up so much more awkward.

Long story short, my life is a sitcom, and I am a mess.

On the plus side, saw a cute boy at big boy, so I've got that going for me.

Hope you have a lovely night.

Love,

Grace

Day 9: Lost and confused and a little heartbroken too

Ok, this sounds way more dramatic than it is, but to me its pretty dramatic.

I finished Blue.

Obviously, I'm going to go back and edit it and make it better and work on the chapters, but its done. Finito. Over. I'm so happy.

I'm also so sad.

Its weird to fall in  love all over again, and let go of your old love.

OH GOD I JUST SPENT AT LEAST AN HOUR IGNORING THIS. 

That was not my intention.

I just got into reviewing another story and lost all thought. Whoops, distractions.

I just... I'm so excited.

I wrote a novel. I got accepted to college. I'm doing well in school. I'm happy. I have no boy troubles. If I work hard enough, I may be able to get published. I dunno, its just all so surreal. I never want to sleep, and i never want to close my eyes and wake up just to find my life had been a dream. Yes, my life has had hella shitty points. Yes, I'm still not 100% the person i want to be. But I'm getting there, and that makes me happy. One day I will be an Animal or Environmental scientist or an author, and I will not be able to think of anything better to do with my time. I don't think I'll be able to be unhappy.

Obviously I'll have lows, everyone does. But I just can't believe after this month of pure joy that life could be going anywhere but up right now.

Who knows, maybe even more stuff will start working out for me. Here's to hoping!

Wow this must be annoying, jsut hearing a girl blog about how perfect her life is right now. Well, next time, if I'm still happy, I promise to tell you guys a story. An interesting one. Maybe the one about when I puked when a boy tried to kiss me. ;)

Anyway, have a great night.

Cheers.

Love,

Grace

Day 8.5: Boys and guys and young men

 We've finally reached the ever so delicate topic about the ones with penises or whatever you youngin' folk call them today.

Ok, who am I kidding I AM a youngin folk.

But anyway, boys. Quite a pickle, they are. Of course, the same thing can be said about girls, but its a lot more confusing from the opposite gender's point of view. And, being a young woman, boys are on my mind.

 I've been kind of a mess when it comes to boys. For reasons that won't be spoken of yet, I have had quite a heartbreaker history, one that kind of continues today. Ok, not an extensive one, but I've messed with the heads of 4-5 young men, and that makes me feel awful.

So that happened. I broke up with them for dumb reasons because I was afraid of them hurting me. End of story, it was lame and inconsiderate, but I did it. Ok, well, one was because I was in love with another guy, but that's a story for another time.

Anyway, I haven't been the perfect example of a poor girl looking for love and doing nothing wrong in the process. I've done some stupid shit. I've broken hearts and had my heart broken. Nobody's perfect.

But boys. They're a mess too! Some jsut want to be loved, some just want sex, some just know they feel something and have no clue what the hell is going on, and some pick another girl over you. Shit happens.

I guess what I'm saying is nobody's perfect, and I still love boys even though they haven't been perfect to me. I still want to be around them, and love them.

Confession time: My name is Grace Jordan and I am addicted to boys.

Can't wait for college and learning and social events and... little secret... new boys. I need help. But i really do want to go to college mostly for learning.

Only mostly though ;)

I'm a mess.

Love,

Grace

Day 8: Reimagining and submersing

So, many a good thing happened in the past twenty four hours.

I had a great long talk with my mother, and I got out three main points about my friendships and why I think they've been stressful as of late:

1.) I'm growing up and changing and settling into a new lifestyle of who I want to be, and am in turn changing as a person and not quite being the adorable, nice, little sweet girl they remember me as. Which would frustrate any friends, if you no longer fit in their pocket ideal of who they want you to be.

2.) My friends are also changing and they seem to be going in an opposite direction of me, a ways away from being carefree, optimistic, and happy about life. They seem to be pessimistic, cynical, depressed, and full of real and frivolous worries that I think just aren't worth the energy or are things you should try to fix or try to learn to deal with instead of just worrying about them. Which is leading us in two very different directions.

3.) I am now pretty convinced they are subconsciously mad at me. They don't mean it, of course, I don't think they literally think "Ooh, that Grace girl!" But I do think that in the back of their heads, they are angry I am happy. They are angry writing is going so well, they are angry my college stuff is all set up, that I know who I want to be and where I want to be, that I have gotten things figured out and I'm genuinely happy when they are genuinely not. And there's nothing I can do about that.

Anyway, it was a nice talk, about college and the future and all that jazz. It makes me sad about my friends, but there's nothing I can do. I like who I'm becoming. I'm not going to change that just because they're not happy with themselves.

Also, more work on Blue. I have now added his mother's perspective and I'm liking how its going, its adding more depth to the story. I like it. I'm hoping others like it too.

Wish me luck!

Love,

Grace

Day 7.75: Wasting time and writing, but they're not synonomous

So i've just been sitting here in my room. Writing. And cleaning. And reloading pages to see if my writing has more views on it O_O. I need serious help, honestly.

So the fanfiction is going well, its up to 43 pages in a word document *eep that is so much!* and Blue is lovely. 

I'm just having fun, but I miss my friends. I miss people. I like being cooped up writing but sometimes it gets boring and repetitive. 

Maybe I'll see what they're up to tonight. Maybe then I'll be less bored.

Maybes. I live for those. 

Ok, have a lovely day. 

Good luck. 

Love, 

Grace 

Day 7.5: Re-evaluating my life and realizing my changes

I'm growing up.

That's terrifying. That literally terrifies me.

I've been cleaning more, taking care of my room. I've been committing more to stories, and committing more to my own health and stability than my friends. Though I love my friends and hold them dear, I've become more self-reliant lately. And overall, I just feel a change in me.

I don't quite know what caused it.

I think it has been happening slowly over the past few months, and it just now hit me. Maybe this is why my friends and I have fought more, because I'm becoming a new me and they're staying the same.

Its just very, very... strange.

Its as if suddenly being eighteen has changed me. Its like that simple number has grown me into a new human being, a stronger one, but also a more afraid one. I'm terrified and confident all at once. Its very odd.

Well, I don't really know what to say but that this is quite a strange development. Part of me likes it, another part is terrified of it, and disgusted by it.

Guess we'll have to see where things go.

Cheers, you.

Love,

Grace

Day 7: Pizza and posted stories

So, I love writing. I crave it. I spend way too much time doing it. I basically go to school and have a job, writing. I don't get paid, which is the slightly agonizing part, but I love my work, so its ok.

I have written two full fledged novels, entitles Tainted Dreams and Blue. Tainted Dreams is awful, but Blue is actually quite nice and I love it. I'm in the process of turning ti from a novella into a novel. Or at least trying to. Worst comes to worse, I try to publish it as a good but short story.

And I'm working on two other novels. Dragon Hearts, a fanfiction *Pray for my soul even I can't believe I'm serious about writing a fanfiction, but I am* as well as a new story that so far is only two pages long, entitled, at the moment, as Losing Your Memory.Mainly because I was inspired by the song to write the story, but I digress. These are my babies. Blue, Dragon Hearts, and Losing Your Memory. I love them.

If anyone's curious, here's the link to the two I have the most work done on:

Blue
http://figment.com/books/633624-Blue

Dragon Hearts:
http://archiveofourown.org/users/GraceJordan/works

Anyway, I adore writing. And I hope, I pray, that I can say I'm pretty good at it too. I certainly have heard I am, at least. Wow that sounded pompous I'm sorry I like writing, I'm ok at it, I hope you like it too.

Just spent almost all last night editing and working on stories and it made me so happy. It was so fun. Aww my dog came to visit me in my room, how sweet! She's a husky/beagle mix and she's adorable. Sorry. I'm obsessed with my dog.

Hope you have a lovely day.

Love,

Grace

Day 6: Love and other mishaps of mine

So, ever get the impending feeling of doom when it comes to love? I do. I am fully aware I am young and have my life ahead of me, and no, I do not expect to find someone right now. But the feeling is that I will never find someone worth my time, worth giving up unadulterated solidarity for. I don't believe in true love and soul-mates, but I do believe in love and I'd like to feel it happily once in my lifetime. 

I just hate this feeling of doom that no one will ever want to stay. Or that I won't let them. 

I'm just scared of being so afraid of getting hurt that I end up alone in the end. And that terrifies me, being alone.

I guess I'm just generally terrified. Of everything.

Still  the scared little four year old girl who just found out that the world is a dark place and no one ever stays. 

I guess I'm a little messed up, a little broken, and even though I say i am, I'm not ok. 

Guess I'm a mess.

Oh well, have a lovely day.

Love,

Grace

Day 5.5: Losing my memory

Maybe its my period that's effecting me.

Maybe its just the fact that I'm moody and need psychological help.

Maybe I'm just missing him.

Unfortunately, I've fallen in love with the song, Losing Your Memory, by Ryan Star. And I say unfortunately because- Damn, sorry, I'm crying already. 

I say unfortunately because it reminds me so much of losing my brother. Its hard to understand, because I was only four when my baby brother was stillborn. And you'd think that wouldn't effect me much, but it has shaped my entire life. I lost my innocence that day. I realized life wasn't always happy. I realized my parents weren't pillars of strength, they were just as scared about life as I was. I grew up quickly that day. I became my Mom's support system, to keep her smiling when she only wanted to cry. I learned to smile and be joyful because it was the only way to stop all the people I loved, and myself, from crying. I had hoped, dreamed, about my brother for months, and every dream came crashing down that day. It broke me. I pretend I'm not in pain, but funny thing is I'm often in pain and just pretending I'm not. Or, what's been horrifying me more lately, is I think I'm forgetting. I'm forgetting my brother. I'm losing my memory of him. The only memory I have of him is the only day I saw him. I don't even remember his funeral. And the song may mean something totally different, but here's how my broken heart and pained existence dissects it...

Call all your friends
Tell them I'm never coming back

'Cause this is the end
Pretend that you want it, don't react

I take this stanza as exactly what happened, I stayed close to family and friends, but he was never coming back. It was the end for us, I was never going to see him again. And that's exactly what I did for years, pretend it didn't effect me, and I pretended to smile and be happy when I wasn't. 

The damage is done
The police are coming too slow now
I would have died
I would have loved you all my life

Ok, there were no police in my case. But when we found out he was stillborn, it was certainly too late to save him. And i can almost picture him sometimes, the way he would have looked if he was alive. He would be a handsome, thirteen year old boy with ambitions and dreams and a love for sports. And he would smile at me in a way that made me want to beat him and love him all at once. But he never got the chance to be that boy. And I can almost picture him telling me he would have loved me so much and it kills me. 

You're losing your memory now
You're losing your memory now
You're losing your memory now
You're losing your memory now

And now I feel like I'm losing my memory. I've cried about him less and less, thought about him less and less. I know its good, its apart of moving on, but I want to be happy and never move on. I don't want to forget him. He deserves to be loved forever and I just can't... I can't let him go. In a way, he was my first love, my first love that came without being born into it. And before I could even get to know him i lost him. It left me broken-hearted for quite a long time. Still does. 

Where have you gone?
The beach is so cold in winter here
And where have I gone?
I wake in Montauk with you near

I don't know how to take this one, and either way makes me bawl. Either I think of it and me wondering where he has gone, and he's gone forever, and that my life can be so cold without him, or that I've been forgetting him and he feels alone in the cold without my love. And then just not knowing where I've gone myself, or my brother wondering where he is, its just so painful. Honestly I'm sobbing right now I just... He used to be my world. Now I barely give him the time of day.

Remember the day
'Cause this is what dreams should always be
I just want to stay
I just want to keep this dream in me

I just think of dreaming, and dreaming of a world with him in it, and him wanting to stay though he can't. And it hurts, a lot. 

Wake up, it's time, little girl, wake up
All the best of what we've done is yet to come
Wake up, it's time, little girl, wake up
Just remember who I am in the morning

This one probably gets to me the most. It gets to me because it makes me feel like my brother is talking to me, recognizing that underneath all this young woman strength I am still the scared little girl who is afraid of everyone leaving because she lost her brother. And its like a plea for me to continue on without him and that the best he will do for me is yet to come, but at the same time he doesn't want me to forget him/ And I'm so afraid of forgetting about him. He deserves so much better. He deserves the world. Damn it, he deserves the life that was stolen from him. 

I'm just in pain tonight. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. Have a lovely night, and let's hope tomorrow is better.

Here's to dreaming. And remembering.

Love,

Grace

Day 5: My life has turned into a break up songs without the break up

So I've made an astonishing, or not so astonishing, realization.

Let's go back to that friend I've talked about.

Whenever we fight, it basically turns into a relationship type fight, or a break up type fight, but never say the "I'm Sorry"s that seem customary for a fight. We just pretend it never happened, which I doubt is healthy.

What's even more unhealthy is that I doubt either of us are very sorry about what we said. Even though I honestly I feel she says more hurtful things when angry than I do. But oh well.

Now, onto brighter things.

Or not brighter things.

Honestly, I feel kind of depressed right now. I don't know why but I feel I want to cry and curl up in a little ball and forget the world. But I have dance tonight so I suppose I cannot do such a thing. 

Guess I'll listen to sad songs and read old, sad stories and hope I can vent out all my sadness. Its probably not a healthy way to deal with sadness but its how I do things.

My hair smells likes coffee, so i guess that's nice...

Who am I kidding? I've just hit a low in my moods. I cannot help it. I'm a mess. 

Here's to hoping I'll feel better tomorrow.

Cheers.

Love,

Grace

Day 4.5: The Procrastinator vs. Gollum

You know, like the Terminator, but instead the procrastinator.

Basically that's just to ensure you all know my procrastination is still continuing. I hope, I think, my work will be done by tomorrow, but who knows. I need help. Maybe Not having my work done will be a big enough kick in the ass for me to wake up and start doing work again.

I have some Psychology. and some Literature.

Have you ever read Poison wood Bible? I suggest it for a fun read. But for class?

Not so much.

I absolutely despise annotating the book. Its not as heavy of annotation as our last reading, Heart of Darkness, which I adored, and because of that its hard to not just read it normally. It would be nice just to read it normally. But noooo.

Oh and we might have an annotation check tomorrow. *Dies*

Anyway, I came here to talk about my irrational fear of Gollum. Well, not so irrational. I have good reasons behind it.

You see, when I was younger, I had nightmares about Gollum. But not normal little kid nightmares. No, I had nightmares about Gollum attacking me and raping me. It was horrifying. It was vivid and painful and I woke up crying. And ever since, I've had an awful fear, or at least disgust, for the creature thing. I can't even respect him as a character because of something he did to me in a dream.

What's worse is sometimes, I, erm, see things. And so when it was dark and turned off the lights all i could picture was Gollum coming up the sides of my bunk bed to sexually assault me, and until I started getting therapy and taking medicine, it haunted me every night. And when I'd walk around in the dark, I was convinced he'd come and get me. When I climbed my bunk bed stairs, I'd be convinced he would grab my feet if I didn't move quickly enough. Thinking back it was totally illogical, he was a goddamn fictional character, but damn was I terrified.

Luckily now I can look back and laugh a bit, for I don't see him at night anymore. But the guy still creeps me the hell out.

So that's my Gollum story. Hope you all can sleep tonight.

Sweet dreams.

Love,

Grace

Day 4: Kind of day four.... Actually quite a few days later.

That friend I was talking about.

I'm weak. I gave in. I just let it go. I know I wanted to be angry and pissed but I just couldn't. I mean, secret little tidbit about me, I'm a senior in high school. I have my whole life ahead of me. And, unfortunately, or fortunately if things keep on going the way they are between us, I probably won't see her very much at all. So might as well love her as long as I still have her right?

I mean, the exhausting thing hurt, a lot. And it'll take me quite a long while to get over it, and it may affect how many important things I tell her. But I can't just let it ruin my senior year. Anyway, being a Michigander child, this year's going pretty great already with so many snow days.

But the amount of homework I have procrastinated on , and have to do tonight if we still have school tomorrow....

Its terrifying.

Hopefully our teachers don't attack us for being lazy gits. Well, they probably will, especially me because I'm not often a lazy git, but oh well. The senioritis is finally kicking in, and I cannot help it. I only have a couple months left, and i hope I can make it through them. I'd much rather blog or write than do this homework.

Oh dear school Gods help my poor soul.

Well, better go back to fanfiction.

*Cringes* I hate saying those words but, I'm going to admit, only to you...
I've recently been writing Skyrim fanfiction, and it has been hella fun. I am somewhere in between euphoric about it and wanting to kill myself because its, you know, FANFICTION. And the simple word comes with such scary connotation that I fear the fact I'm beginning to like it. *Cringes more*

Can't change what I like, even if its embarrassing. Guess fanfiction is my guilty pleasure.

Well anyway, have a great day. 

Love,

Grace. 

Day 3: Exhausting and Awful

That friend I was talking about. Let's go back to that. 

Last night she texts me after a dumb twitter fight, raging about how I have been shoving my positivity down her throat, how I have been trying to change her, and to top it all off, to rag on how 'exhausting' of a friend I am.

In most cases I literally work my ass off to be a good friend. Honestly its just her that sometimes makes my fuse short, because she's just so mean to people sometimes. But if I'm so goddamn 'exhausting', and so 'awful' to be around, why does she bother?

I feel sick to my stomach and honestly that single word, exhausting, upsets me so much. 

Its just hard to bear.

Funny thing is I honestly am convinced to my core that everyone leaves or I hurt them.

And for once she's the one hurting me, and I don't know if I want to deal with it anymore. 

I don't even know what to do.

Guess I'll have to figure it out over the next couple days. 

Wish me luck.

Love,

Grace 

Day 2: Computer troubles

WELL I HAD A NICE STORY TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY FRIEND BEING A PIECE OF SHIT BUT THE COMPUTER JUST DELETED IT ALL.

*sigh* I have no desire to vent anymore. I just want to kill people. Short story short, the new year's party was kind of shitty, and I did want to murder people with dull shovels, and one of my friends was just being a piece of shit all week and I cannot take her today. So she best not try to be buddy with me today.

I was funny. I was witty. The story really would have amused you all. But, alas, this laptop also chose to be a piece of shit.

Actually I just hit the back button accidentally, but same thing. 

Well I'll probably edit this later and add on. So cheers.

And goodbye.

Love,

Grace 

Day 1: Shovel Murders

So you’re probably curious about the title of my diary, aren’t you? Well, tough, sweetheart, for I don’t feel like telling about it yet.

What I do feel like telling about is my hair.

Seems frivolous, don’t it? Well maybe I’m frivolous, deep down inside. Maybe everyone is. Maybe under all that ‘depth’, we are all just simple creatures with large egos thinking we are much more than we are. Who knows? Anything’s possible, right?

Anyway, back to my hair. If you even bothered to read the information, it is blonde. Quite an odd color, blonde. Why people don’t ever call it just plain old yellow I never understood as a child. They call brunettes brown often enough, why not call blondes yellow? Neither color has very good symbolic meaning, being dirt and cowardliness. Guess dirt could be seen as fertile and helpful to the earth but that’s about it.

It’s kind of short, my hair. Not pixie cut short, for knowing how gosh darn adorable I am and my love of green people would mistake me for Tinkerbelle, but I digress. It’s also very fine and soft, which will one day probably please any foolish man I hook or poor but loved children I ever have. They would probably spend long minutes playing with my soft hair, petting it, until they became preoccupied with something else. Oh, how I would love to picture them. I like to picture them as brunettes. Earthy , happy, helpful,  brown.

I’m about to go to a New Year’s party with people I sometimes want to kill. How pleasant. I do love them, naturally, but sometimes, you know, I can’t help but picture knocking their thick skulls off their bodies with a dull shovel. It’s how love works sometimes.

Not true love though. That’s just perfect.

Well, of course, it would be even more perfect if I believed in it. But I'll get into that another time. 

I must depart you, Diary. Off to the Party of shovel murders. Or joy. Not sure which yet.

Goodnight!

Love,
Grace