Day 5.5: Losing my memory

Maybe its my period that's effecting me.

Maybe its just the fact that I'm moody and need psychological help.

Maybe I'm just missing him.

Unfortunately, I've fallen in love with the song, Losing Your Memory, by Ryan Star. And I say unfortunately because- Damn, sorry, I'm crying already. 

I say unfortunately because it reminds me so much of losing my brother. Its hard to understand, because I was only four when my baby brother was stillborn. And you'd think that wouldn't effect me much, but it has shaped my entire life. I lost my innocence that day. I realized life wasn't always happy. I realized my parents weren't pillars of strength, they were just as scared about life as I was. I grew up quickly that day. I became my Mom's support system, to keep her smiling when she only wanted to cry. I learned to smile and be joyful because it was the only way to stop all the people I loved, and myself, from crying. I had hoped, dreamed, about my brother for months, and every dream came crashing down that day. It broke me. I pretend I'm not in pain, but funny thing is I'm often in pain and just pretending I'm not. Or, what's been horrifying me more lately, is I think I'm forgetting. I'm forgetting my brother. I'm losing my memory of him. The only memory I have of him is the only day I saw him. I don't even remember his funeral. And the song may mean something totally different, but here's how my broken heart and pained existence dissects it...

Call all your friends
Tell them I'm never coming back

'Cause this is the end
Pretend that you want it, don't react

I take this stanza as exactly what happened, I stayed close to family and friends, but he was never coming back. It was the end for us, I was never going to see him again. And that's exactly what I did for years, pretend it didn't effect me, and I pretended to smile and be happy when I wasn't. 

The damage is done
The police are coming too slow now
I would have died
I would have loved you all my life

Ok, there were no police in my case. But when we found out he was stillborn, it was certainly too late to save him. And i can almost picture him sometimes, the way he would have looked if he was alive. He would be a handsome, thirteen year old boy with ambitions and dreams and a love for sports. And he would smile at me in a way that made me want to beat him and love him all at once. But he never got the chance to be that boy. And I can almost picture him telling me he would have loved me so much and it kills me. 

You're losing your memory now
You're losing your memory now
You're losing your memory now
You're losing your memory now

And now I feel like I'm losing my memory. I've cried about him less and less, thought about him less and less. I know its good, its apart of moving on, but I want to be happy and never move on. I don't want to forget him. He deserves to be loved forever and I just can't... I can't let him go. In a way, he was my first love, my first love that came without being born into it. And before I could even get to know him i lost him. It left me broken-hearted for quite a long time. Still does. 

Where have you gone?
The beach is so cold in winter here
And where have I gone?
I wake in Montauk with you near

I don't know how to take this one, and either way makes me bawl. Either I think of it and me wondering where he has gone, and he's gone forever, and that my life can be so cold without him, or that I've been forgetting him and he feels alone in the cold without my love. And then just not knowing where I've gone myself, or my brother wondering where he is, its just so painful. Honestly I'm sobbing right now I just... He used to be my world. Now I barely give him the time of day.

Remember the day
'Cause this is what dreams should always be
I just want to stay
I just want to keep this dream in me

I just think of dreaming, and dreaming of a world with him in it, and him wanting to stay though he can't. And it hurts, a lot. 

Wake up, it's time, little girl, wake up
All the best of what we've done is yet to come
Wake up, it's time, little girl, wake up
Just remember who I am in the morning

This one probably gets to me the most. It gets to me because it makes me feel like my brother is talking to me, recognizing that underneath all this young woman strength I am still the scared little girl who is afraid of everyone leaving because she lost her brother. And its like a plea for me to continue on without him and that the best he will do for me is yet to come, but at the same time he doesn't want me to forget him/ And I'm so afraid of forgetting about him. He deserves so much better. He deserves the world. Damn it, he deserves the life that was stolen from him. 

I'm just in pain tonight. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. Have a lovely night, and let's hope tomorrow is better.

Here's to dreaming. And remembering.

Love,

Grace