Day 20.5: She hates me

So that friend, Mandy, that I bring up, right?

99% sure she either legitimately hates me or subconsciously does. So joy to the world.

*Jumps off proverbial cliff*

I just... we've been friends since freshman year. This isn't as long as my friend Marissa, but its still pretty damn long. And you know what, here I go just losing friends again. yet again, the friends i have left, Kenzie and Michael, will say its not my fault. Of course they will. But c'mon,with a track record of at least three failed friendships, and the only common denominator being me, whose fault is is?

Its obviously mine.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I can't fix this friendship with Mandy, we're too far gone. She's called me exhausting, and thinks i'm obsessed with my own mental instabilities and romanticize them, even though I don't, I just accept them instead of fight them and get even more burned by them, and thinks I shove my positivity down people's thoats, and she doesn't even trust me with anything important in her life.

She didn't even tell me she liked a boy, for god's sakes, so I told the boy I kinda liked him, and he told her and now...

She thinks she's out of his league and dislikes me.

Its all a fuckery.

I don't know what to do. I want to still be friends with her, I love her, but at the same time I can't take this anymore, her constantly disappointing me or hating me.

I didn't want to do anything until senior year ended, dammit.

But i don't know. I just ...

We used to be so close. And now we're like sort of friends. Maybe. At most.

We used to tell everything to each other. Every little thing. And now she tells me nothing. I have to find out about things from goddamn twitter.

I don't know. I'm crying now. Dammit. I haven't cried over a friend since... well, Mandy, but I haven't cried about the thought of losing a friend since Marissa.

I haven't really cared about losing a friend since her.

And that terrifies me, because last time that happened I...

I cried every day. I cut my arms with twigs. I screamed and hid my feelings and I often thought about-

I can't talk about it. I just don't know what would happen if I lost someone like that ever again. It terrifies me. I like being whole and being happy, I don't know if I could handle....

I just can't stop being friends with her. But i can't be around her either.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry. I can't blog anymore.

I'm sorry.

Love,

Grace