College. It freaks everyone the fuck out, right?
Its understandable. Between the applications and the cost and the stress of work, it drives a lot of kids bonkers. I feel bad, because I am fortunately stable enough for the crazy. I've already been accepted to where I want to go, I'm working on novels that might help pay for my college, and i know who I want to be, what I want to do, and I already have pretty good work ethic.
But a lot of my friends haven't been accepted yet, don't know how they'll pay for it, don't know how they'll do, what they're doing, and aren't very solid on work ethic. I worry for them. The tremendous trembling that it causes me is terrifying.
Whoops alliteration party over here.
Anyway, its just scary, the future. I feel like I know where I'm going, to be an author or scientist, either studying animal behaviorism or environmental science, or maybe both if I can make the time for it. It just scares me that people don't have plans. I would have lost it by now if I didn't have a plan, I can't even imagine how terrifying it is.
Actually, I can. For a day, I felt it. And it was the most stressful, horrendous day and I cried all day until I got my acceptance letter from my college and everything got better.
But before that, it was utter hell.
I could feel the bile rise up in my throat as I thought of how my friends worried about being accepted or not. I had sent in my only application weeks ago, and had yet to hear back. Suddenly, panic was striking me. I had said thank you at the end of the bloody letter, for god's sakes. How in the world did I expect to get in?
I was pacing around my living room, talking to my mom how I was certain i couldn't have gotten in. No way. No way Jose. It couldn't happen. But at the same time, I knew I'd cry if it didn't happen.
I was freaking out.
My mom was trying to calm me down, but I was on the brink of tears. I could feel every fear of the future bubbling to the surface. What if I didn't get in? What if college didn't work out for me? What if I simply wasn't good enough? (This will be a reoccurring theme in the meltdowns of Grace, so might as well note it now)
Finally, my mom insisted we check the progress indicator online of my application. I tried to quell the panic, insisting to myself they'd be looking at it and I wouldn't get denied yet, and it would all be ok for the moment. That I was safe for a little bit longer.
Yet my stomach still churned, my palms sweated, and as I typed in my ID number, I was to the brink of jumping off the proverbial sanity cliff again. I was jittery as Mexican jumping beans, and my mom put a hand on my shoulder to try to stop my twitching but it didn't happen.
Then, the screen popped up to the application status. And I almost screamed.
'Congratulations, you are accepted'
I cried, right then and there.
It was the first time in my life I had ever cried for joy, and I will never forget it.
Now that pain is over for me, and I only dealt with it for a day. It horrifies me how people who haven't got accepted must feel. I almost feel the bile rise again in my body at the mere thought of going back to waiting. Its killer.
So hopefully, if you also feel this way, you're relieved soon of the pain. I can only imagine what a day would feel like, not weeks or months. I wish the best for everyone dealing with it.
I hope everyone can feel hope come from this, because I felt the panic too, and was saved from it. I hope everyone can feel that, and maybe cry of joy too.
Good luck, you.
Love,
Grace
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