Day 12.5: Snow white and the seven dicks

I dunno, I just get a feeling a lot of my friends are kind of awful to me, and I need to work on making new ones. I have some friends in this computer science class I have, (Har har, yes, I'm such a nerd) who are pretty great actually. I feel like... me around them. More of a me than the restrained one around some of my other friends.

And i seem to get along better with boys. No, this is not the same old 'i like boys better than girls, girl suck, blah blah' mantra. I hate that mantra. I wish that mantra would just go die in a hole.

I like girls. I like to be around them, and hell knows that sleepovers with them telling secrets can be a lot of fun.

But the thing is, I love video games. I love making dirty jokes, and inappropriate jokes, and not having to worry about not being offensive, and sometimes I just like being a 'guy'. Nothing has to be serious, but when it does get serious, it happens and someone kicks your ass into feeling better and you get through it.

I truly don't like female coddling even though I tend to do it. Or maybe its not just females, maybe its just the certain females I hang out with. I miss people who when I was sad either told me I was being ridiculous or made me laugh until I was crying for entirely lovely reasons.

I miss eighth grade or ninth grade, no matter how awful as hell those years might have been. But then I had really good friends. I want them back.

Even Alan, the annoying prick who I hated to love sometimes.

Oh, dear lord, the stories I have to tell you about Alan sometimes. He and I are quite a mess.

Beyond a mess...

Everything involving him is a mess honestly haha .

Let's simply just say I've been in love with him several times, and he was in love with me once, and its been a mess ever since. Now we're friends, sort of, who only hang out in groups or text, rarely one on one. Which I don't quite mind but at the same time do because we used to be close. Real close, as in best friends close.

He's kind of an asshole of a disaster now, but I still care about him. He was my first love.

Anyway, I miss having stable, good friends, not friends that frustrated me every second. I miss having friends on the same page as me.

I miss who i was back then. Not the whiny, lovesick part, but the happy, tons of friends, trotting around like she owned the world Grace.

I miss Shannon, Alan, Jeremy, Ashley.... I miss all of them.

I miss a lot of things, I miss how they used to be.

Well that took a depressing turn.

Oh well.

Good night, I suppose.

Love,

Grace