Day 21: Blame game and pain again

For everything that goes wrong in my life, if I'm sad, I always find a good enough reason to blame myself. I wasn't enough, I didn't help enough, I hurt too much, I'm too uncompromising.

I blame myself daily for every loss I've ever had. And it hurts. I still sit and wonder what I could do to stop all the pain that went with Marissa. And now i'm dealing with the same thing with Mandy.

Its just... If all we do is hurt each other I don't see the point. Neither of us are getting much out of this relationship anymore. We don't trust each other. We hate certain nitpicks about one another. We are unhappy whenever we disagree. We cut ourselves and cry ourselves to sleep over each other, and that's the definition of a toxic relationship.

I think, if things had been fixed at the initial conflict, things would have been ok.

But they weren't. And she's still not sorry about the event, so how can I trust her again? How can she trust me again?

The more I think about it, the more I know I started the animosity. I made the first step. But at the same time, she didn't have to walk the path with me. She could have stopped me, asked me why I was being such a prick, and stopped the entire path.


But she didn't.

We stopped trusting each other. We stopped telling each other important things. We stopped caring as much, and became harsher, crueler.

It wasn't all my fault, but I do share the blame. A lot of it.

And now she's sub tweeting me, and I want to respond, but my responses will only prolong this argument. This absolute misery should not be the price for happiness.

Moreover, I've always known its easier to leave people before they leave me. Why not continue the pattern?

Shut up my damaged heart like I always do, and pack up and leave. Be done. Stop fighting.

Because, yet again, underneath all my maturity and growth and positivity, there she is. The scared little four year old girl who will never leave me, no matter how hard I try. The part of me I shut away when my brother died. The part of me that never grew, never developed, because I always hid her away from the world. The part of me I pretend doesn't exist.

Part of this problem is I don't know if I can trust her again with all my secrets. Another part of me is simply scared of becoming even more hurt. Scared of what could happen, because the trend of despair and pain in my life is too much to bear. My trend of losing those who I care about is too much. With my track record, it'll only get worse from here if I don't cut myself off now.

I don't know what to do. A good friend would keep on fighting for love, work through the bullshit...

But scared little four year old me can't take this anymore.

I want to be stronger than her, so badly. I want to grow up fully and be able to trust people, to throw myself whole-heartedly into their arms and take risks.

But I never will be.

I will always be that scared little four year old girl.

I fucked it up. I always fuck it up.

I'll always miss you, Marissa, you were my first true friend.

And Mandy... I wish I could do something. I wish I was stronger.

But I'm not. And I'm sorry you're hurt because of it.

I don't know. Everything hurts.

There's nothing I could do. I wish I could, but she's always been stronger than me.

I hate that scared little girl. I always have.

Thanks for listening.

Love,

Grace