Day 51: Talking

I had a major meltdown last night. I feel super guilty about it all. I hate worrying the people I care about, but it happened.

Stephen is now worried about me. Damn, I did not intend that I just was freaking out, and it came out of nowhere. Well it came out of somewhere, out of Kenzie calling m needy, but I so totally flipped out.

Now we're going to talk today, probably.

Guess I'll have to start off with the fact that I'm stupid in love with him and that causes me much anxiety.

It probably should have been a bigger deal that yesterday was my 50th blog post, but I digress.

Then I'll probably have to move on to the fact I'm so confused about what we are and what he wants from me. A friend with benefits? a Girlfriend? What?

I dunno it'll just be stressful. And I'll probably have trouble meeting his eyes because I'm awful at serious.

I'm just scared. I don't want it to be over but I have to ask these questions because they've been dancing around in my head, driving me crazy for awhile now.

I don't know if I've ever been this serious about a boy and they've had a glimmering chance of caring as much back so I'm just scared. I could ruin everything today.

Or maybe not.

I don't know.

Not knowing is the hard part.

Guess we'll talk today and I'll update this later. Maybe crying, maybe not, guess we'll see.

Love,

Grace

Day 50: Should I let it all go?

I can't be needy.

Stephen may like me, but he doesn't need me. and I need him. So what's a girl to do?

And Kenzie thinks I'm needy.

There go two of my people. One thinks I'm too needy and the other probably thinks it too. I don't want to be needy.

I guess maybe the best thing is for it to be over.

I don't want it to be over.

Oh god I'm crying. I hate being this needy, I hate needing people, I always love but I hate when I love too much.

I don't know what to do.

I'm in love with him, and I love her.

But its not healthy for me to need them more than they need me. Its pathetic to sit here needing people instead of being my own person. I used to be so independent. But now I need people. I don't know if that makes me weak or strong.

I don't know what to do I want to talk to people but i don't want to bother them...

I want to text Stephen or call him but I don't... I don't want to be this emotional freak to him. I just want to be normal and happy but I'm freaking out.

I'm such a fucking flake. And a heartbreaker. and an emotional disaster. I don't know why anyone puts up with me. They shouldn't waste their time or hearts on me. I'm a ticking time bomb; a walking disaster.

I dunno what i should do. Everything is falling apart.

I feel so empty and suffocated all at once.

It hurts.

Love,

Grace

Day 49: Everything's falling apart

Needy.

When someone worries almost every second about if they're bothering people, calling them needy really hurts. Its like when Mandy called me exhausting. It killed me.

Its happening all over again.

I can't be needy. I can't. I can't handle it.

my head's going to implode.

Kenzie. This can't be happening not again. I don't know who to turn to. I can't be 'needy'. I can't.

I'm sobbing I don't know what to do. It hurts so much.

I don't know what to say.

Its me. I don't know what I do but I do this and push people away. And the fighting happens then....

I can't breathe.

I don't know what's left to say. I'm ruining this, but I can't stop it. She called me needy. I never... I don't mean... I thought I was becoming a better friend but apparently I'm just an annoying needy one.

I don't know.

Nothing left to say for tonight.

Love,

Grace

Day 48: Summer Nights

Everything right now is a beautiful disaster.

First of all, let's gleefully ignore the fact that Grace fucked up again on commitment and is now blogging a month later.

Other than that...

I'm graduated.

I'm a fucking it.

I am not preparing that much for college yet, and I'm done with high school. I'm not a college kid nor a high school kid. I'm an it.

I'm falling head over heels for that guy, Stephen. He's nice and lovable and hot all rolled up in one fun package that I pray to see again every day. I don't know what's going to happen with us but honestly I don't know if I care. I just love being around him and being with him and having him want me. Jesus, all that boy has to do is want me around and I'm putty in his hands. I'm a mess haha.

I'm falling for the way he texts me good morning, and the way he's there when I'm horny or horrified, how he wants to cuddle with me and also do unspeakable things to me, how he accepts my crazy and always want to help with it, the way he's never taking anything too seriously, but seriously enough so that I don't feel like his mother the way it was with Alan sometimes. And moreover, I adore how I can just be me around him, and how unnaturally comfortable I am with telling him almost everything.

The scary part though, is that I never end out well with boys. But we shall see.

On the flip side, I'm excited and scared shitless of college. In one aspect, I get to grow up and meet new people and work on being me, on the other hand, I'm literally leaving almost every fucking person who has managed to still love me in my eighteen years behind. That is scary.

I mean i know a couple kids who will be going to school with me, even those I haven't gotten close to yet, so I will still have them, but cmon, its still scary. I'm leaving Kenzie, and Michael, and Stephen and they are my core people right now. Losing people is my greatest fear, and by gonig away I'll be throwing them out the window.

Hopefully I can still keep them. Hopefully we don't grow apart. I don't need that, and I don't want it.

I don't know what else to say.

College is scary but awesome.

I love boys.

The end.

Love,

Grace

Day 47: After Prom

So last night was prom.

Let's just say it was a hot mess.

Kenzie was sick all night, the boy I'm a little interested in, Stephen, had his ex hanging on him all night, and I never got to dance with him, Alan was being weird, Michael and his girlfriend were super weird, and it was all bleh.

I mean, it could have gone worse, I suppose.

And there were a few shining moments in which I was elated, but they were few and far between.

I guess I really don't have much else to say about that.

Fruitless fantasy turned into shambled sham.

I wasn't expecting Prom to be the best night of my life, by far, but I was hopnig for a little better than this.

I mean, the boat we were on was nice, so there's that.

I just feel emotionally drained sooo...

Yeah.

Bye.

Love,

Grace

Day 46(Sort of): Grace is at it again.

So I, being the ever inconsistent Grace, had stopped this blog. But I want to restart it. It'll help me remind myself to write as often as I can.

So, so much has happened I don't know what to say.

I'm completely over dumb-boy. I still find his dating situation a little rash, but they seem happy, so I guess its whatever.

I'm in the RISE program and the academic scholars program at MSU, so success! I guess that's a plus.

I'm majorly stressed about college money, because so far I have no scholarships, no aid, nada. Sooo... Trying not to think about that.

I might like a new boy. Do I like him? am I just lonely? I'm not sure. His name's Stephen and we're good friends. Today we hung out all day at choir festival and we had a ton of fun. So I don't know how I feel. I know his history with women and such and I just... I dunno. He's nice, and I have one friend telling me he's cool and nice (Michael) and one friend telling me he's a piece of shit (Mandy) but it is Mandy, and Michael may be biased, so I dunno. Maybe a summer fling will be in the cards for one Grace Jordan, who knows.

Now studying for AP Psych. Final test in that class, thank goodness.

So yup.

Night!

Love,

Grace

Day 45: Biggest idiot

Oh, I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about the boy I liked.

So he likes this new girl right? They've hung out once, only talked a few days, etc...

They're fucking dating.

I haven't seen this kind of dumb shit since I was thirteen. Freaking THIRTEEN.

They barely know each other. They've barely talked. If this works out I'm burning all my clothes and joining a convent, I swear, because this is the dumbest shit...

But I've already called it to Kenzie, I doubt this relationship will work. Its based mostly, from what I've heard, on physical attraction. That is the dumbest shit to base a relationship off. I hope the relationship dies quickly so I can laugh at them.

Yeah, this is the evil side of me, but I haven't been this pissed off since the New Year's Fight with Mandy. So I think its pretty good I've gone over two months without wanting to shovel murder people.

Oh well, I'll look hella nice from now on just to show all the boys who rejected me. Happiness is the best revenge. Show them they can't phase me.
\
Hope your week gets better.

I hope you show them.

Love,

Garce

Day 44.5: Well, nevermind on that

So, boy changed his mind about me. We didn't hang out. He doesn't have feelings for me anymore.

Every time lately. Every time boys don't want me. What the hell?

The only common denominator is me. So of course I think its my fault.

First my ex, and Alan, and now this boy. Its killing me. I can't handle so much rejection.

He met another girl. He hung out with her once and suddenly I mean nothing to him. Its killer, man, really. Two weeks i know isn't a long time but you'd think it meant something more than a few days.

And fuck. He described what he had with her as 'instant attraction'. Relationships based on only instant attraction don't tend to work out; the slow growing ones tend to, at least from what I've seen. Slow growing ones that involve friendship and shit not just instant fucking attraction. I'm sorry for so much swearing I'm just in between depressed and pissed and its a weird place.

And my ex, I can't. I miss him so goddamn much and I thought I was getting over him, truly, with this new relationship but then the boy had to fuck it up and not only make me sad about him but also about my ex all over again.

The new relationship wasn't perfect, and it certainly wasn't that strong yet. But it was something, it was hope, and he killed it.

I don't need a relationship to validate my life. But it would be nice to car for a guy and have him care back. That hasn't happened all year.

Well it happened for a short while. and once it was gone it sucked.

I just miss feeling like I mattered already.

Its just hard to think about the new boy, and my ex. So stark differences but both had such potential. More my ex than the new boy but still. I want to try instead of just giving up. Why do people always give up?

Why do I give up?

Maybe I'll think about conversing with my ex again I dunno its probably a bad idea but I always miss him and that's not healthy. But I also still want to talk to new boy even though we'd only be friends. I'm not sure what's going on in my head anymore or what's good for me. I just feel so many things right now.

I feel like I'm grasping at straws but there's no straws to be had.

I just miss people. I just want to be wanted by people I care for.

I'm so needy.

Hope your week is going a LOT better than mine.

Love,

Grace

Day 44: Turned on by everything

I basically had a dream where I  was willing to jump on anyone, even a girl and I am very not attracted to women. So obviously my hormones are on overdrive lately.

That might not bode well if the boy and I hang out today haha

But seriously. I hope nothing too sexual happens, we have only been talking for two weeks and only hung out twice if you count today. O_O I don't need to push things too fast.

I just really like him. And I really want him to kiss me. Is that so bad?

Considering I'm willing to jump anyone right now, maybe kind of.

Oh, hormones.

Anyway, Kenzie's contemplating ending it with Mandy. She can't take it much longer. Mandy is stressful and doesn't keep promises and is hurtful to others and Kenzie isn't sure she can handle it anymore. What fucking sucks though is that we have no clue what Mandy might do if she loses everything. She's lost the boy, she's lost most of me, what will she do if she loses Kenzie too?

We don't know what to do with her.

Its not healthy to be around her but at the same time we don't want her to kill herself.

I just yawned. I hate yawning.

I digress.

I just don't know. I know its not healthy to be around her but I don't want to completely lose her either. I don't want her to lose it without us.


Its been an upsetting week to say the least. I just hope it gets better.

Hopefully I do hang out with the boy. If I don't I guess its ok, I'll be disappointed but I'll live. I can make plans with Kierra or something.

I just really hope things get better.

Love,

Grace

Day 43: Talk dirty to me and other stresses

I am addicted to the song talk dirty to me, which is funny enough tied to the topic i want to talk about today.

Birth control. I'm contemplating going on it. Not only because milder periods, but because I don't know what will happen to me sexually in the next couple months O_O yes, that is a reference to the new boy and how attracted to him I am and who knows what'll happen between us, and all that jazz.

But yeah that's the gist of my sexual stories.

But I'm also stressed about Kenzie not doing school work, and Mandy's safety, and other stresses. Its funny, after writing my stress paper for AP Psych I got hella stressed out. Thanks, teacher.

Ahh he texted me.

I'm such a three year old.

I really like him though, be it personality wise and physically. I dunno, he's just lovely and hopefully we do hang out Saturday. If we don't, its ok, but if we do it would rock.

Ok, not much else to say. I updated about stress and sex life so...

Wish me luck!

Love,

Grace

Day 42: I'm a mess

I'm angry.

I'm worried.

I'm manic.

I'm a genuine mess.

Well, I can tell I'm a little manic because I've found little use in sleeping and I've gotten shit tons of work done lately and I'm happy and hyper and a little spazzy. I've been flirting up a storm and I've been turned on like crazy and I dunno its just a mess.

Things with the boy and I are going well. Really well. I know I've said this before but we might hang out Saturday and I'm super excited.

And Mandy. We didn't talk today, like we were supposed to. Instead she auditioned for a musical she wants honestly nothing to do with so? I don't know why she's crazy? She's just going to complain about it the entire time.

I digress.

We didn't get to talk and honestly at this point I don't know if we ever will. I don't know if I want us to. I don't know.

I just want to be happy and do all my homework tonight haha.

Stress paper (how ironic) and a reflection on an article I had to read. It'll be fun.

And then of course, in the morning, it'll be math and chapter reading guide. I'll get it all done its no worries, really. Its just a bit of work and I always am able to manage everything so, whoot!

I just need to get the motivation to start any of it. That's the real struggle.

Its only about an hour or two of homework so its not really that bad, I'm just lazy as hell. That's the true problem. Senioritis has got me like POW.

I sound like a character from Borderlands 2 now, what fun.

Anyway, hope everyone's doing well. Mania for everyone!

Not really. Mania is a mess.

Anyway.

Good luck!

Love,

Grace

Day 41.5: Shitty ass day

I don't know why, but I feel awful today.

The boy I like has ignored all my texts today. He hasn't texted me at all. That shouldn't twig me out so much, if we weren't used to texting every day and now this is freaking me out.

And I was sleepy all day and slept in about three classes. It was awful I felt so lazy and shit.

And we didn't have a snow day, though I wanted one.

And tomorrow i talk to Mandy, and I don't know how that will go. Part of me wants it done to see how it works, another would rather jump off a cliff that rehash that bullshit.

And honestly I just felt an overwhelming feeling of awfulness. It was terrible. Its not been my most shining days. And I'm an optimist for Christ-sake.

I'm just feeling shitty. I guess everyone has these days, but I just am not used to it. And if it wasn't so close to competition, I'd beg to miss dance, but its only a bit away and no one can afford to miss right now, really.

So ergo today sucks and I have to study for a test and get all this work done to study for it that I have no desire to get done and ahhh.

Might as well jump off the proverbial cliff now.

Between Mandy and the boy and schoolwork I am not happy. I am just sick of being a screw up. I just want things to go well.

Oh, Grace, do not cry. Do not start this now. You have class.

Ok, I think I'll be ok. I pray I'll be ok.

Its just a rough day when you already feel like shit and then nobody really acts like they care to notice you.

I hope tomorrow's better, for everyone.

Love,

Grace

Day 41: What am I getting myself into

I'm falling for him. Why does that terrify me so much?

Maybe because I'm the queen of having the shit terrified out of me, and the queen of being convinced everyone will leave me.

Maybe because I'm genuinely terrified of most things.

And maybe because after he accidentally mildly compared something I said to Mandy, I might be flipping out worried that I'm nothing but another fling to him. That I'm not special.

I need to breathe. I really need to breath. he probably meant nothing by it, but its still terrifying. I don't want this to not matter. All I want is for it to matter.Its nice to feel like you matter.

Its been almost two weeks of straight talking and I'm beginning to fall. I don't know if that's good for me, based on the fact I tend to fall too fast and this is one of my slower departures from sanity, or if its bad, and still seems too fast. I'm not crazy head over heels for him, no, but i can feel the feelings on the tip of my tongue, just begging to be true, just begging to be special.

And the crazy part is I think I might be special. He says I'm pretty and he's attracted to me and that I am awesome and he enjoys my company, but is that enough? Wow i'm being needy as fuck. It should be enough. I just always am so uncertain about other people's feelings unless they're 100% upfront with me about them, and always assume the worst until they are.

I really like him. I want this tot turn into something special, something tangible.

Maybe with time it will,I just have to be patient. And, for today, I'll just let him text me first so I'm not an annoying piece of shit.

Yep, yep, yep.

Love is a mess.

Hope you have better confidence about it.

Love,

Grace

Day 40: I am such a forgetful person

I totally meant to blog yesterday.

Guess that didn't happen.

So I'm probably going to have a talk with Mandy. Not quite to reconcile per say, but to talk about our problems and such. It might make her feel better and might make me feel less empty and awful inside when I'm alone.

She keeps on tweeting passive aggressive hate/adoration things about the boy, and its really weird/awkward/making me a bit upset. I feel bad he didn't choose her, yes, I feel bad she's in pain, yes, but... I dunno. Its a mess, liking the same guy. We're both probably pissing each other off about it.


So the boy. Things have been great with him. We're planning on hanging out again Saturday and I'm so excited. I just love being around him, it makes me so happy. He called me pretty and I about died. Because I'm weak and sad and pathetic but oh well haha.

I guess things are good, in general. I guess I'll tell you how things with Mandy go whenever they happen.

That was short.

Have a great day!

Love,

Grace

Day 39: Broken hearts and fears

What if I kill her?

Mandy feels like she's losing everything to me. What if that kills her?

She's a suicidal, depressed girl. What if my decision to cut her off kills her? if not today, what if tomorrow, what if later on in life? 5 years? 10 years? What if what I've done is the beginning of the end for her?

She's pushing Kenzie away. And I took the boy from her. And I took me from her.

I'm terrified that it might send her over the edge and I don't know how to save her without hurting myself.

I can't right now. I feel awful and sick and...

I complained to Kenzie all day about this, and Michael is out of town.

Maybe I'll talk to my boy about it. Maybe he can help.

PS: I'm only calling him my boy because I have yet to find a proper pseudonym for him. :/

I just feel awful. I feel like a horrible human being. I don't know what to do.

I just... I can't right now.

I don't know.

Love,

Grace

Day 38:.. But a few days later

I am so sorry for not being up on my blogging.

I just had an interesting week this week, between starting to fall for new boy and having the relationship between Mandy and I further deteriorate. Funnily enough, because I am getting closer to said boy and she feels like she is losing the competition that the last fringes of our relationship is.

So onto the competition thing, I must explain .As Mandy and I began our friendship, there was always this underlying tone of competition. Who could write better, who could be sadder, who had the worst history, who was the smartest, etc. So as we grew apart it grew only worse. She started chasing after boys I had feelings for, we started infringing on each other's activities, and here's the final straw.

This boy and our friend, Kenzie.

I know Kenzie wants to be both of our friends. But not only is Mandy making me feel like its a fight over her but also she's pushing her away by spending all their time texting being irrational and complaining about me. Yup, because Kenzie really wants to hear about that. When she wants to be both of our friends, she really wants to hear you bitch about how 'awful' I am.

Especially when Kenzie's more on my side about the boy thing.

Its just a mess.

Oh, and I'm going on a Valentine's Day Date with said boy and I'm excited and its going to be cute and ack I'm just super pumped.

I just am so excited. I love talking to him haha

Only two hours left to wait. I can do that, right?

Hopefully I can muster up enough patience. I am an impatient thing.

I just want to hang out with him so badly, especially because I become a much more relaxed, really myself person outside of school. I hope he likes me still. O_O

Anyway, its been a fun time. Wish me luck on my first date in AGES. Love you!

Hope you have a lovely Valentine's Day.

Love,

Grace

Day 37: Valentines and excitement

I'm a bit of a wreck right now.

So, the boy I like sort of asked me to hang out Friday, Valentine's Day. I am a little teensy bit excited as hell. Hopefully I don't fumble-fuck my way around this one, because I think I really do like this guy.

That's exciting as hell.

On the downside I have a headache and I puked so that's a downer.

But I'm really excited about the Friday thing. I don't think I've ever had plans on Valentines Day with someone I had a thing for, ever. So this is quite an event.

I'm excited. Actually, I squealed a little bit. But never tell him that.

I've decided I can't worry about Mandy. I can't base my happiness off of hers when she's been so inconsiderate. I can't. I can't just ruin my own happiness for hers when she chose herself over me so often.

So boy-toy ahoy it is. :) I'm so excited. I can't wait to hang out with him. Its a group hang out, but i don't really care. He asked me to do something on V-Day. That is quite exciting.

Exciting excitement it is.

Sorry I'm super bubbly right now. I'm very excited.

I just want things to go well and to have fun. That's all I want. I hope it happens.

Wish me luck with boys!

Love,

Grace

Day 36: Me and teenage sexuality

So, the day has come when I have to talk about the most awkward of things with you.

Sex.

This has come up because of the new boy I might like. We've been heavily flirting and dancing around the subject of sex. Now, before you twig out, I will accept, yes, I'm eighteen. Yes, some people think that is too young for sex. Yes, I recognize the risks of such behavior.

But I'm a virgin right now so let's stop freaking out before I even act upon anything. Also, I am of age and it is my body and if I want to have sex I think I am of decent age to make decisions about it.

Anyway, its been a mess. Well, I might want to add that this is the boy my ex-friend, Mandy, also liked, and likely still does like. So this complicates matters.

But he's so funny, and cute, and makes me smile, and can be ever so sweet.

We've been sending each other funny valentines day cards, talking about our likes and dislikes, flirting... All that jazz.

I'm contemplating that if he asked me would I go on a date with him? Could this turn into something more? I don't know. And it excites and terrifies me.

And damn, am I attracted to him. That's another part that scares me. Do I want him for his personality or just because I'm attracted to him? Am I thinking with my head or my hormones?

Its a special kind of mess.

But I haven't felt butterflies like this in forever.

I'm beyond excited.

I'm beyond terrified.

I'm beyond infinity.

I'm just beyond right now.

Hope you're having an interesting day too.

Love,

Grace

Day 35: Boys and pokemon

So I was really stressing out about my ex last time we talked.

Then this boy I have a baby crush on started texting me. and ever since I've been in such a good mood.

Its so tempting to go back to what you know, what's familiar, what you're used to. And unfortunately, I'm used to pining after boys who don't want me. But now I have an opportunity at a boy who might actually like me and I might actually like back and I have to take it.

I have to forget about my ex.

It may be hard at first, but in all honesty if he's ignoring me and being cold, does he really deserve my affections? Does he really deserve it over a boy who cares?

Not really.

So here I am, taking a new step with a new boy. And i hope it all goes well, or at least helps me get over my ex.

Wish me luck.

Oh and we've been playing Pokemon as a bonding thing, is that weird? Kind of. Oh well. Its fun :)

I'm having fun. I'm enjoying my life. I'm being productive again.

I couldn't be happier.

I just can't wait to see what happens between us. If it works or not, this decision was worth it.

I hope you have a lovely day too.

Love,

Grace

Day 34: Sleepy ramblings

So it happened again.

You have no clue what happened again so I guess I must tell you. 

I had another dream about that ex I told you I missed. The one I had a chance of falling for, who broke my heart when he rejected me after I rejected him. 

I'm typing on my phone so I'm sorry if my grammar sucks.

It just... I dreamed of him again. For months I hadn't dreamed of him, hadn't woken up crying because I miss him so much. And last night... I dreamed of us together again, being dorky and awkward and fun, and I woke up very sad. 

I still miss him. God dammit, I've got to do something about this. I can't handle having these feelings come back. The feelings of missing him so much it hurts, missing so much who we could have been. 

Maybe I'll try being close to him again. I dunno, I have to try something to ease this pain I get when I think about him. 

Maybe we can be friends again. Maybe we could be something more. 

I don't know. I just am grasping at straws at the point. 

Boys are dangerous, girls, don't get too close to them, because inevitably you'll break their heart or you'll break theirs and its none too pleasant. 

I just miss him. 

I hope your life is going better than mine right now, losing friends and wanting boys who don't want me. 

I wish us all luck. 

Love, 

Grace

Day 33: Post 50!

So, the whole cold day thing didn't happen, but i think i did fine in my classes, so no biggie.

Eeks, I have no clue what to write about today.

I'm truly drawing a blank. Maybe because I'm kinda sleepy.

Well, happy 50th post, Blog! Go you!

I really don't know what else to say.

Erm...

Have a great night?

I'm a social disaster. Seriously.

Love,

Grace

Day 32: Up to my ears in cold days

There is another possibility of a cold day tomorrow.

God damn.

That excites me but terrifies me all at once.

Why?

Because now I'm going to be as lazy as sin tonight because of it, and I don't quite want to take my bible literacy test tomorrow. But at the same time I am so sick of missing school.

So its a confusing struggle.

Just thinking more about the bible literacy test makes me want to curl up in a corner and die. And based off the fact that mere mention of a possible cold day makes me not want to study dooms me if we have school tomorrow. So maybe I'm leaning more on the side of no.

But I have to study otherwise we WILL have school tomorrow and i'll be royally screwed.

The confusing struggle continues.

And now I'm trying to put on dance tights and type and this is all a disaster.

Well now I'm all better. I think.

Gah I might have to pee, and I just got tights and a leotard on.

Nope, nope, I do not have to pee. I refuse.

I just hope I don't have any more chest pains like I did earlier in the week. That was scary and uncomfortable. If it happens again I'll be very sad and angry all at once.

I really don't want to have to sit out again. I mean, my death drops suck ass so I guess it might be good if I sit out but still it would be awful. If I start dancing and it happens again so quickly, I swear...

I will not be a happy camper.

I will actually be quite a very UNhappy camper.

Oh well, must finish getting ready and trying not to freak out about tomorrow.

Have a fantastic night, you.

Love,

Grace

Day 31: In class blogging.

Well ain't I a rebel, blogging in class. Of course i have my phone hidden kind of so its no big deal but still. 

So chest pains have persisted. Hahaha i want to implode. What is even going on with me? 

I have homework tonight, quite a bit. College algebra, ap lit, apes... It just never ends, this homework cycle. 

Maybe I'll go to Kenzie's after school maybe that will be nice. 

Well I'm hungry. 

And being horribly boring! 

So I guess I'll be done for today, since nothing of interest has happened. 

Hope you have a lovely day.

Love, 

Grace

Day 30: Doctor's and science fiction.

So, I am perfectly healthy! We think the bouts of chest pain were just stress, so joy to the world about that! :)

In other news, my friend Kenzie has something important to tell me and I'm kind of freaking out. What does she have to tell me? Has she been denied to where she wants to go for college? Is she mad at me? Is there something wrong? Is she sick? is her mom sick? Is she moving? Whatttt?

I'm so worried.

Hopefully I don't get stressed out again and hurt myself at dance. That would be horrifying. If I feel any chest pain I'm sitting out, that's it, nada, done, finito.

We've already been over the dance thing, so I won't reiterate but... seriously. Why today, why when I have so much to do and so little motivation.

Well in more other news, I have chosen Dune as my science fiction independent reading book. Yes, I have chosen to be the queen of the geeks.

And i have to read The Tower of Babylon tonight and I feel like it not.

I'm just so goddamn lazy lately.

I hate senioritis.

Screw me, I'm just making excuses. I'm just so very done with high school and having these eight hour days with no breaks and not having my own choices. I'm so ready for college, to try new things.

So some call it senioritis. I call it being a lazy ass piece of shit who needs to get her act together.

I'll get it all done by tomorrow. I have Tower of Babylon reading and AP questions to answer. I'll be fine. I'll get it all done. Breathe, Grace, breathe.

I know most people say hold onto your teenage years, stop trying to throw them away, stop trying to be an adult, but I feel so ready to be n adult. Hell, I think my head has been ready since I was four years old. Maybe an exaggeration, but I just feel ready for the world. I'm so excited to start a life, to start a career, to start a family. I want children, I want to help people, I want to help the environment, and I want to write. And by god, I will try to have all of those.

I just... I've wanted to be a writer since I was a kid. I've loved nature and wanted to help people since I was a kid. I've wanted to be a mother since I was a kid. I just want the things I've been dreaming of since I was little. I never dreamed of being a teenager, I just dreamed of being me.

And, hopefully, soon, I'll get to be me.

And that's the most exciting part of college. Being me.

I hope you can be yourself everyday of your life, because being yourself is glorious.

Just be beautiful you.

Love,

Grace

Day 29: I better see a doctor soon.

Ok, chest pain persists. And I'm sleepy and I'm sad and I barely got anything done because I was too worried about my goddamn chest or it hurt too much.

So let's say not starting off to be the best day.

But of course its probably not good to skip.

Even though I want to not go to school today more than anything.

I thought I had a lot more to say than this, but I guess I don't. I guess today just kind of sucks.

I guess let's hope I'm ok and I get to see a doctor soon.

Love,

Grace

Day 28.5: Chest pains and... still homework.

So maybe I'm the worst student in the world.

Screw it, I kind of am. But senioritis, man. I was a perfect student before this semester now I can barely get my arse to do anything.

Also I have chest pains that are so irritable that I kind of want to cry, so...

I feel like I should get a free homework pass or something.

I'm also excessively tired for some reason.

Why? I do not know.

Its been an interesting day to say the least.

And now mom's freaking out about my chest pains.

I guess I sort of am too but I'm holding it all together for her. Hopefully I can see a doctor sometimes soon. That might be helpful.

Wish me luck.

Love,

Grace

Day 28: Picture day and homework

Homework. Always on Sunday, is the ever looming homework.

I have a chapter to read, another chapter to read for a different class, an article to read and write a one page summary on, music to look over.. the list seems endless.

It'll probably only take me a couple hours but, still. Its stressful.

Ooh, I put on some lipstick, now I am fully prepared for today.

Not really I'm not normally a lipstick girl but, today's my final picture day ever so why not.

So, ever since I was born my Mom has taken me to JCPenney to take yearly pictures. I've had one from age one to now age eighteen. And this is my final one. Its sad but also exciting. Sad my childhood is gone, exciting that I'm moving onto my next stage in life.

Also fun because we always go shopping afterwards too.

Regardless, its an interesting day, with homework, Superbowl, pictures, and such.

Going to be honest, the senioritis is starting to hit me, hard. So this copious pile of homework does not bode well for me. I'll probably just end up doing the bare minimum that won't get me killed on Monday.

So basically read one chapter for APES and read the article. I'm so goddamn lazy lately, forserious.

Anyway, I've noticed that people my age have trouble letting go of things and moving on with life. This troubles me. For example, if you don't know what I mean, people my age cling to dying relationships. The ever present "break-up/get back together" couple. Ok, maybe this is a cruel assessment. Maybe its more of a human problem, because I know adults this way too. They can't accept when something isn't working, when love just isn't enough, and hold onto things that do nothing but hurt them.

On the flip side, there are also people who throw relationships away too fast. I was one of those people, but I hope to stop that pattern.

So I guess, like always, its the goal to find a happy medium. Where you try hard enough, but you also know when trying isn't enough anymore. That's tough, finding that middle ground. Porbably why relationships are so messy.

Sorry, I just ranted about this last night so its in the forefront of my mind.

Regardless, happy medium. It always seems to be the best.

I hope you find your happy medium.

Love,

Grace

Day 26: Cake and other disappointments

So today i was supposed to throw a baby surprise birthday party for my friend. But all my friends are sick so it didnt happen so i simply have presents and a cake at my house for no reason. 

I mean I obviously can't blame them for simple sickness, but its still disappointing. 

On the plus side no one has been commenting on my story on figment. Whoot!

And by whoot I mean more disappointment. 

Oh and my essay sucked today. So the disappointment continues!

Its just a rough day. 

I hope it gets better. Its just no fun and very stressful. 

Struggle number one is still that dad's still  upset. So I guess i'm just hoping everything gets better. 

Cheers to better days. 

Hope you're doing okay. 

Love,

Grace

Day 27: First bathtub blog

We knew this was coming. Knowing how lazy I can be, and also how busy I can be, a bathtub blog was imminent. 

I have about three events to get to today. Ok maybe two, but being my brother's basketball game and my friend's eagle court of honor, they're pretty big things. 

I'm working with a couple people to edit my whole novel, but two are beginning to slack and another has done nothing so far. So joy. 

I don't blame the one who has done nothing, we just recently started conversing about the novella, Blue. So hopefully she gets done with that pretty quickly and such. 

So my ex started a blog about his life. And i secretly read every entry. Am I messed up? 

Yeah, kind of. I'm the one who broke up with him way back when, so I really should not be so interested in his life.

But I am.

I feel like I might still care, but seeing that he avoids me like the plague, its doomed. So oh well. 

Last spring was the last time we really talked, and he kissed me and I was too chicken to say I still cared. So he cut me off and its been a mess. I was a good solid mess for a couple months, dreaming about him and waking up crying. I think my heart broke so profusely because I could have fallen in love with him, it could have been something special, but he was too scared of it, of me, to let it happen andso there we are. 

A chance at something special gone. 

It just kills me how close we were to it and then... Nothing.

All because we both were too scared to do anything. 

I hate myself profusely for running away from that one. But I guess it just teaches me not to run from something that could be really good anymore. 

I miss him, still. I glance at him and class and miss his dumb jokes and awkward flirting and long talks about life and important things. I miss all we were two years ago. 

But I guess its over now. Nothing I can do. I can't make him want me. 

He wants this other girl, in his opera class. She's really pretty and seems very nice. I can't really try to get in the middle of that, if he really cares for her. 

So alone I go. I have friends, sure. Kenzie and Michael mean the world to me. But alone on the relationships front. 

I just want a chance at that happiness. But no one wants me. 

That's always a sad feeling. That no one wants you. But I guess I've grown accustomed to it. 

Such is life. 

I hope you run into them today, someone you love. I hope its the beginning of something magical. 

Love, 

Grace 

Day 25.5: My writing style

Ok, truth time.

On here I understand I'm mostly kind of joking and shit, but my main writing style is dark.

Well I've realized that terrifies people.

Make up a fake twitter as a fake alter ego to vent out my depressing, writing thoughts?

And your friends go ape-shit thinking you're depressed at all moments and that they need to walk on eggshells to deal with you, so don't do it. Ever. I swear to you, do NOT do it.

I ruined a friendship because of shit on my alter ego twitter.

And now I don't trust her and our relationship is non-existent.

So yeah, don't do it.

*And if you're late to the party, said friend, if you haven't guessed, is the infamous Mandy*

Its just...

I write darkly. I write darkly to counteract my happy. It keeps me grounded and pleasant and writing helps me think out the bad thoughts and get them out of my system.

Never make a twitter account to do this, and certainly don't add real life friends. Because they flip out and think you're going to lose it.

Even when most of the time you're perfectly fine and just reflecting on life a little bit.

I dunno, it was just a mess. And now Kenzie's upset with me about it and its just A GOSH DARN MESS.

That was accidental caps lock but it works well enough.

I just, it wasn't my shining moment. I was letting them into my world and they rejected it. They feared it. I guess that's what bothered me so much more. I trusted them with my thoughts and they rejected them and feared me for them.

I'm trying not to be mad at Kenzie too, but she's bringing up all my mistakes, running away, etc, and throwing them at my face like its supposed to make me see her point of view.

I get her point of view. I wrote sad things and I scared her.

But I always write sad things.

Blue, Sunshine Girl, and Finding Eve Montez make me want to cry just thinking about what happens in them sometimes.

Its just who I am. and I guess I'm sad that they find it so offensive, so bothersome, such a problem.

Well Mandy at least did. I'm currently confused about Kenzie.

I hope it works out between Kenzie and I. I really do love her and she isn't one to be an asshole about pushing my buttons and trying to get to me.

That's Mandy's thing.

Ouch sorry I'm still bitter.

Anyway, I hope things with friends are going well for you!

At least writing is lovely for me.

Love,

Grace

Day 25: Dance and scholars and other riff-raff.

I dance. That is a little known fact about me.

Why?

Because I barely talk about it. Because I enjoy it, but its not my passion ,so in some ways I feel like I'm always letting down the girls around me. Because its fun, and I'm ok at it, but I want to express myself in ways other than dance. Like writing.

One final year and I'll be done with the stress of dance. I'm so thankful.

Don't get me wrong, its been a fun run. I've done it since i was four, and I've always enjoyed the exercise. But the mandatory practices? The obligation to work very hard as to not disappoint your other classmates? That pressure is a lot to take when you don't even love something.

I love writing. I love science. I love the written language, and I love the history of things. Those, I'll do wonderful at. I'll love to be counted on in those subjects. But dancing?

Its too much pressure. I'm ecstatic to be almost done with it.

I've had a fun fourteen years, but dance has run its course for me. I'm only joining yoga or zumba club at the college when I go. Something I can miss without too much hassle, but still get decent exercise. Hell, I may just dance around my room and walk everywhere and that might be good enough.

On the flip side, I got sent a letter recommending me for a scholars program at the university I want to go to. That's majorly exciting. And I can join the scholars program as well as be in the environmental science program, so WHOOT!

I'm so excited for college, I'm just dying to leave. I feel bad, for I love my family and I love being with them, but I just feel ready to start the new part of my life. I'm just so ready for it.

I'm so ready to be a scientist and help the world.

I'm so ready to start study abroad programs.

I'm so ready to possibly move to Africa and help with the animals or the farming or water there, help make the lives of these people in Africa better.

I'm so ready to get published and be an author, talking about the issues of the world.

I'm so ready to maybe even write a novel about Africa once I get there and learn what its like.

I'm just so ready to begin my individual life and make a name for myself.

I'm just so ready.

Are you ready?

Love,

Grace

Day 24.5: First submission

So, since my editing partners are going so slow on Figment, I decided to do the one thing I've been terrified of and yet dying to do since i finished Blue.

I sent in a submission about the novella to an agency.

EEP!

Isn't that exciting?

This place is called Serendipity agency, and it seems pretty cool, so hopefully they like my story. Hopefully they are an itsy bit interested. I can hope, at least.

I just hope it works out well. I hope this starts something. I hope this is the beginning.

I know lots of great authors get rejected often, but it would just be cool for things to work out. It would be a great first submission.

I'm just excited and hoping it works out for me.

Honestly, my biggest dream is to one day wheedle myself into the English curriculum. I would practically die if that occurred. Be it contemporary lit classes, or if i play my cars right, AP Lit or AP Lang classes. I know I'm dreaming big but it would literally be my forever dream.

I can die happy if one of my novels/novellas sneak their way into the school curriculum. Or if my teachers are so proud of me they have kids read it as a bonus or something.

I'm cocky and hopeful when it comes to writing, I know, but I just have to dream. It would be awesome.

I'm just hopeful that all my dreams will come true.

Wish me luck!

I certainly wish you luck on your dreams every day :)

Love,

 Grace

Day 24: Snow daze and book babies

I feel like I should do work on these snow days.

But the bitter cold of the north is less than appetizing for good work. Its more just a dreary, laid back day type day feeling.

Yet, I must get some work. Be it schoolwork or Sunshine Girl or Finding Eve Montez.

I certainly hope I get something done. I've only written plot ideas for Finding Eve Montez, and I have to write in an entire perspective throughout the book and a funeral for Sunshine Girl, so a good 15,000 more words O_O.

I have shit tons of work.

Well, writing wise. I do.

I don't quite have a deadline, but I have a mental deadline for Sunshine Girl. I want it done before I go to Disney World for spring break, and I want to be sending Blue off to agents by then. So April. April is hopefully when things will start kicking into gear and such :) I'm so excited. I hope it all works out well.

I want to help pay for my college. I want to start making a name for myself. I just want to do stuff and have it matter, dammit. I will make it matter.

I have gotten a lot of ambition in the past few months. I'm not sure if its good or bad.

I just feel that storytelling is such an art form, and though I would gladly do it for free, I'd love to help my parents pay for college. I'd love to not have to take out so many loans. I'd love to have my pen name known throughout the world.

Sorry to bum you out if you already didn't know, but Grace Jordan is my pen-name, not my real name. But i intend to use it in my writing and hopefully, get literary esteem with it.

Cocky, maybe. I don't know. I'm not saying I'm the best. But I have things to say and I feel they're important and it would benefit people to hear them. I have things to say about issues of the world, like depression, abuse, homosexuality, suicide. And I feel they're really important things to say. This is why I find Blue, Sunshine Girl, and Finding Eve Montez so important to me. Because they're not just wholly some story I made up; these are real things that happen to real people. I may be entranced by horror and gore and violence, but its not the stuff that feels so real that it gets to you. Its the people, its the reality, its the true lives touched by these things.

And I just feel that maybe, just maybe, these stories may raise awareness about the things I care so much about. Maybe I'm not an expert on abuse, or homosexuality, or even depression even though I have been a victim of it, but I seem to be pretty good at making people feel other people, to feel how they feel, to feel their pain. To make people simply feel.

I dunno. I wish my babies luck as I finish them and begin carting them off to agents and then to publishers. I hope, sincerely, that they can make a difference.

I just want them to make someone think or feel, maybe just for a second. Then it would be worth it.

I just want my book children to make a difference in this world, and to matter. Isn't that what every sort of mother wants?

Wish my babies luck, you.

And maybe they'll touch you one day too.

Love,

Grace

Day 23: I don't want to though

The struggle of not wanting to do something.

I love dance, ok maybe not love, but i like dance, its fun, but today.

NOOOOO

N to the O to the absolutely NOT

We had a snow day today so it just feels... wrong going ot dance. It feels awful. It feels bad. I just do not want to do it.

And this is a downside of being a high school senior, instead of getting a say in the matter, my mother has just said no.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. 

But I really have no desire to go. I could be doing work during that time. Work that I only want to do during that time. I just feel it very unnecessary to go when going would make me hate today and make me stay up quite late doing the work I would have done during that time.

Night is my homework time. Night and early morning.

Not this afternoon bullshit!

So basically, I am not giving up on this front. I do not want to go to dance tonight, and I think I might put my foot down on this. Seriously. I'm not going to learn much if I just hate being there while I'm there anyway.

So no dance for me!

I literally cannot go today without being majorly annoyed. So no.

I can't.

Snow day for school = snow day for dance.

End of story, please.

I guess I just don't love it like i used to. Which is fine, whatever, I'll muscle through this year. But I shouldn't also be forced to go when I really don't want to.

And also when I have homework to do.  

Ugh.

She better not make me go to dance.

I pray for my poor little soul i don't have to go. Help me pray.

Have a lovely day, I suppose.

Love,

Grace

 

Day 22: Sunshine Girl and Finding Eve Montez

So, two new projects ahead for me.

Sunshine Girl, a story of abuse.

And Finding Eve Montez, a story about homosexuality.

I'm quite excited for both, honestly. The only struggle is I don't know what to work on most. I love Sunshine Girl, but maybe I should put that on a back burner and focus on Finding Eve Montez, because it seems to be a more interesting story involving chatrooms, bullying, falling for and losing friends, faking your life to make others happy...

I dunno. Something about Eve Montez intrigues me.

What I know about Eve so far is that she is strong, but very confused. She is very passionate about softball and about family, but she doesn't know how she'll be treated if she ever comes out. She's brave, but bravery does not always fare well.

But i also adore Sunshine Girl, the story of an abused daughter who loves her father too much and is too attached to his memories to stop him.

Oh well, we shall see how this goes. I just refinished Sunshine Girl so that one's likely to get on my publishing list next.

Yay depressing shit!

I feel so emotionally drained you don't even know.

Wish me luck on writing!

I wish you luck on life.

Love,

Grace

Day 21.5: Its over.

Its all over.

I want to go back, I wish it more than anything, but I can't.

We've gone too far, and we can't go back now.

Its like my favorite Andrew Paul Woodworth song, Starting To Turn.

"I know, I must be caught, in between what, I  want and should say, and we know deep in the well of my heart, I really want to stay... But I'm already starting to turn away."

I kind of am living this song right now. You should really look it up, its tragically beautiful.

It just hurts. But I know I made the right call for my sanity. I couldn't take that friendship anymore. It was so painfully toxic. So toxic.

It wasn't good for either of us. And it hurts a lot, just like a break up, but I honestly think its for the best. Otherwise we'd truly begin to hate each other.

We just weren't right for each other anymore. We got on each other's nerves too often, we are too irritated with each other, we simply don't see eye to eye anymore. And we certainly don't understand one another anymore.

I'd love to just say she doesn't get me anymore, and put her as the one at fault, but honestly, I don't get her anymore either. I don't understand why she does what she does. All I do is piss myself off trying to figure it out.

It was a good friendship. And we had some great times. But its over now, and I have to be ok with that.

I have to live with my choice.

It was a hard choice to make, and maybe it was 'the easy way out', but I know me, and I know that I can't take anymore fights and I don't think she could either.

I wish apologizing could fix it all. But it can't. Sometimes things stay broken.

And we're broken.

Maybe she'll hate me for my decision. I don't know. But I had to stop us from stabbing ourselves in the heart all the time by being friends. I couldn't take the pain anymore.

Its hard to let go of relationships you've grown comfortable in. Hell, its why so many people wrong for each other stick together for so long. Because its simply comfortable to. Its simply familiar.

But someone's got to look at the relationship and realize when enough is enough.

And I don't think any of my friends agree with me, and maybe they'll all hate me for it, but I had to call it with Mandy. I had to call it off. There was no other logical choice.

Maybe I'm heartless, maybe I'm cruel, maybe i made the wrong decision. But I made it and I can't turn back now.

I'm already starting to turn away.

Its painful, but it happens. And now I just have to live with it.

Here's to loving.

Cheers, dears.

Love,

Grace

Day 21: Blame game and pain again

For everything that goes wrong in my life, if I'm sad, I always find a good enough reason to blame myself. I wasn't enough, I didn't help enough, I hurt too much, I'm too uncompromising.

I blame myself daily for every loss I've ever had. And it hurts. I still sit and wonder what I could do to stop all the pain that went with Marissa. And now i'm dealing with the same thing with Mandy.

Its just... If all we do is hurt each other I don't see the point. Neither of us are getting much out of this relationship anymore. We don't trust each other. We hate certain nitpicks about one another. We are unhappy whenever we disagree. We cut ourselves and cry ourselves to sleep over each other, and that's the definition of a toxic relationship.

I think, if things had been fixed at the initial conflict, things would have been ok.

But they weren't. And she's still not sorry about the event, so how can I trust her again? How can she trust me again?

The more I think about it, the more I know I started the animosity. I made the first step. But at the same time, she didn't have to walk the path with me. She could have stopped me, asked me why I was being such a prick, and stopped the entire path.


But she didn't.

We stopped trusting each other. We stopped telling each other important things. We stopped caring as much, and became harsher, crueler.

It wasn't all my fault, but I do share the blame. A lot of it.

And now she's sub tweeting me, and I want to respond, but my responses will only prolong this argument. This absolute misery should not be the price for happiness.

Moreover, I've always known its easier to leave people before they leave me. Why not continue the pattern?

Shut up my damaged heart like I always do, and pack up and leave. Be done. Stop fighting.

Because, yet again, underneath all my maturity and growth and positivity, there she is. The scared little four year old girl who will never leave me, no matter how hard I try. The part of me I shut away when my brother died. The part of me that never grew, never developed, because I always hid her away from the world. The part of me I pretend doesn't exist.

Part of this problem is I don't know if I can trust her again with all my secrets. Another part of me is simply scared of becoming even more hurt. Scared of what could happen, because the trend of despair and pain in my life is too much to bear. My trend of losing those who I care about is too much. With my track record, it'll only get worse from here if I don't cut myself off now.

I don't know what to do. A good friend would keep on fighting for love, work through the bullshit...

But scared little four year old me can't take this anymore.

I want to be stronger than her, so badly. I want to grow up fully and be able to trust people, to throw myself whole-heartedly into their arms and take risks.

But I never will be.

I will always be that scared little four year old girl.

I fucked it up. I always fuck it up.

I'll always miss you, Marissa, you were my first true friend.

And Mandy... I wish I could do something. I wish I was stronger.

But I'm not. And I'm sorry you're hurt because of it.

I don't know. Everything hurts.

There's nothing I could do. I wish I could, but she's always been stronger than me.

I hate that scared little girl. I always have.

Thanks for listening.

Love,

Grace

Day 20.5: She hates me

So that friend, Mandy, that I bring up, right?

99% sure she either legitimately hates me or subconsciously does. So joy to the world.

*Jumps off proverbial cliff*

I just... we've been friends since freshman year. This isn't as long as my friend Marissa, but its still pretty damn long. And you know what, here I go just losing friends again. yet again, the friends i have left, Kenzie and Michael, will say its not my fault. Of course they will. But c'mon,with a track record of at least three failed friendships, and the only common denominator being me, whose fault is is?

Its obviously mine.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I can't fix this friendship with Mandy, we're too far gone. She's called me exhausting, and thinks i'm obsessed with my own mental instabilities and romanticize them, even though I don't, I just accept them instead of fight them and get even more burned by them, and thinks I shove my positivity down people's thoats, and she doesn't even trust me with anything important in her life.

She didn't even tell me she liked a boy, for god's sakes, so I told the boy I kinda liked him, and he told her and now...

She thinks she's out of his league and dislikes me.

Its all a fuckery.

I don't know what to do. I want to still be friends with her, I love her, but at the same time I can't take this anymore, her constantly disappointing me or hating me.

I didn't want to do anything until senior year ended, dammit.

But i don't know. I just ...

We used to be so close. And now we're like sort of friends. Maybe. At most.

We used to tell everything to each other. Every little thing. And now she tells me nothing. I have to find out about things from goddamn twitter.

I don't know. I'm crying now. Dammit. I haven't cried over a friend since... well, Mandy, but I haven't cried about the thought of losing a friend since Marissa.

I haven't really cared about losing a friend since her.

And that terrifies me, because last time that happened I...

I cried every day. I cut my arms with twigs. I screamed and hid my feelings and I often thought about-

I can't talk about it. I just don't know what would happen if I lost someone like that ever again. It terrifies me. I like being whole and being happy, I don't know if I could handle....

I just can't stop being friends with her. But i can't be around her either.

I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry. I can't blog anymore.

I'm sorry.

Love,

Grace

Day 20: Am I funny?

No, not socially. I'm not very funny socially at all. I'm a good discussion person, and a good friend, but I'm not the funniest person.

Now, let me write and create funny situations, and I'm good. I can do that all day long.

I once was working on a novel in progress entitled Love Squared, about a couple of teenagers who are fake dating but start falling for each other. It sounds lame, but they get in pretty funny situations sometimes. I get most of my humor from Sophie Kinsella books, so you know. Such is life.

Anyway, if you haven't noticed I love me some writing.

And I finished Blue! And I don't know what to do with myself!

Oh frabjous day!

But no, seriously, I don't know what I want to do. Do I want to write science fiction now? Do I want to write romcom? Do I want to write another mental illness/love commentary/tragedy? What do I wish to do?

I heard i'm pretty good at all of them, so I don't know what to choose. People like Blue a lot. People like Love Squared a lot. People like Star Crossed Killer quite a bit as well. So what do I do? How do I find my writing niche?

I have yet to find it and that bothers me.

Every writer has that genre they always write in, Stephen King does horror (An avenue I've also wondered about) Sophie Kinsella does romcom, Chistopher Paolini does fantasy, etc. Each person has a niche where they write the stories they choose to write.

Me?

I like all genre's. I like romance, I like science fiction, I like fantasy, I like horror, I like comedy, I like it all! Only type I have yet to be able to write or try to write is mystery, so I guess that's one genre down, but seriously.

My first novel was fantasy.

My second attempted novel was science fiction.

My third attempted novel was romcom.

My second actually finished novel was realistic fiction/tragedy.

WHAT AM I?

Some strange author hybrid? Should I have fifteen different pen names for each genre I write in? Like, what the hell, Grace?

I don't know what to do. I'm good at serious and suspense and drama, but I'm also good at funny. The struggle.

Guess I'll figure it out, I suppose.

Maybe I should try a mix. Maybe a funny-ish story about a mentally ll girl. Maybe this time instead of the effect of depression, I talk about the fact that crazy people are normal too. Maybe I make it a rom-com too. Who knows? We shall see.

Maybe I'll write the commentary again, I like social stuff. And I have written one on abuse before, why not continue my stories? Maybe one on abuse, or bipolar disorder, or simply a coming of age story. I dunno. We shall see.

Wish me luck!

I certainly wish you luck.

\Love,

Grace

Day 19.5: The struggle of obtaining book tastes

So, we had to read Poisonwood Bible in Ap Lit. I got bored one night and, without annotating, read ahead and finished the book. I thought it would be no big deal to go back a second time through and annotate it, no biggie, I liked it well enough.

But two weeks ago I went back to try to annotate it, and I wanted to cry.

I only liked the book, only moderately ok, so going back, I didn't realize I'd hate it.

I'd hate going back and trying to read again. I just have to accept my teacher's horrified, disappointed face because honestly, I can't. And that scares me. I hate that disapproving look.

I hate disappointing people, more than anything, honestly.

Its probably why though I have dark impulses I am a goody two shoes. Because though i think, nah I'll just fail this class, or nope, won't do my homework, just picturing disappointment terrifies me. But at the same time I can't find love in doing something I hate. So its a double edged sword. Be miserable and do work or be happy and get disappointing looks.

That is one thing I hate about learning. Having to learn things you hate to be 'acceptable' in life. People should only do things they enjoy, or don't mind doing. I know that's unrealistic, but you'd think we have so many people in the world maybe it could almost be entirely true.

I dunno. I just wish the education system tried harder to make kids happy instead of making them miserable. Because I know way too many miserable students.

Also, I may have a new novel idea. get hyped! Blue is finished and I'm thinking of new things, how exciting. I'm excited. You should be excited too.

Not trying to push my happiness on you or want to make you happy for me sorry.

Anyway...

I found someone to swap all of Blue with me and that makes me happy, to get an overall review of the entire thing. Makes me a little hyped.

I'm just hyped.

Just get hyped!

Love,

Grace

Day 19: Six word stories

So, I stared a new class today. Its a science fiction class, and I am so excited to be writing and reading science fiction like a mad woman.

Today, our first ever assignment, he assigns for us to create a six word story.

I immediately began scribbling down words.

I came up with a couple that I love:

The child was perfect, however violent.

He held the world in his hands, empty.

Malignant light blinds them. Its begun.

(A personal tidbit from Blue)

Love chokes you until you're blue.

And my personal favorite:

He never told them forever ends.

I dunno, but I'm in love with them. I almost want to write a fiction story about the apocalypse of everything, of the fall of heaven or something, because it only proves that forever ends.Maybe that will be my next novel, even though I'll get a ton of ridicule from religious people. Oh well/

It just sounds like a fun premise. He never told them that forever ends.

It could be so much. The end of love, or faith, or a family, or anything really. Its just so ambiguous and perfect and ahhh I hope it wins the contest tomorrow.

I just, i love writing so much. I just want so badly to be good at it.

The teacher said I can submit more than one, so I'm thinking I'll submit three; Malignant, forever, and empty. They sound like good ones.

They actually sound perfect.

I'm so excited I cannot contain my joy.

EEP!

Wish me luck. :)

Love,

Grace

Day 18: On the plus side...

On the plus side.

My friends made me think of something really depressing today, involving an event I had involving walking around in the snow. Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive right now and not slip into sadness.

So On the plus side.

On the plus side, I have been accepted to the college I want to go to. I have finished all the waiting bullshit and now just have to write some essays and fill out some forms for financial aid, but I'm still gonig to go. And that makes me ecstatic.

On the plus side, I wrote a novel. A short one, at only about 26k words, which is super short for a novel, but still a novel, or at least a novella. And if I'm not bragging, I hope I'm not bragging, its what I hope to be a darn good one. just some setting edits, because being emotion driven I sometimes forget, and by sometimes I mean most times, forget to describe the setting.

On the plus side, I have decent friends. Sure, they're kind of a mess sometimes. Sure, they sometimes annoy the shit out of me. But i still love them and no one's perfect.

On the plus side, I have good grades. I have absolutely nothing to freak out about. My grades are ncie and the senioritis has yet to hit me. Unfortunately, I feel it coming ,but not quite yet.

On the plus side, I'm pretty happy. There's not anything particularly wrong in my life. Sure, I'm single., Sure, said book I finished is not published, but I'm working on it. Working on me to make myself a better person and the dating will come, and the book, once I've made proper edits, maybe i can get it published. Who knows.

DUDE I LEFT THIS FOR LIKE THREE HOURS.

KILL ME.

Anyway, all the drama aside,

On the plus side, I'm happy being me.

That's good enough for now.

Love,

Grace

Day 17.875: What a sad realization to come to, real and fictional

So I realized something pretty major awhile back that i didn't even think about, not really, until now.

My friends don't care about my writing. They don't try to read my writing, they don't seem excited over it like I am, just the occasional "Yay Grace!" when i finish a story up.

They read one page and then just stop, like my feelings don't matter.

I put my soul into my writing, and its ok for stranger's to reject it, that I understand. But my own friends? That's low, and painful.

Yet again, its probably just another case of friends being inconsiderate and not thinking about me, not actually trying to attack me with some sort of vendetta. But I can't help but feel like if they really cared they would bother to read it. They'd share my happy moments, and my sad moments, not just the moments that they want to share. They'd read my writing for the simple fact that they loved me and wanted to feel my heart, which is beating in the pages of that story.

I dunno, I'm getting deep. Maybe I should send my writing to other friends, not the ones who mean well but always seem to let me down. Well, more Mandy than Kenzie, but still. My best friends aren't perfect.

I guess I shouldn't expect them to be either, but something would be nice.

Its decided. I'll send it to another friend, one who I'm pretty certain will read it for me.

Problem solved.

Ok, not really, I'm still upset with my best friends, but knowing some of my friends care is better than nothing.

I also think I talk about writing on here a lot because no one cares if I rant about writing, they just listen if they want to. No one is giving me uninterested looks or looks of disdain.

So anyway, onto another sad realization.

Blue is not a love story.

I thought it was a minor love story, between Morgan and Conner, but the more I wrote from Morgan's perspective, and the more I thought of Conner's obsessive worship of her, I realized, its not a love story. Morgan and Conner were in love with each other, once, but soon they find themselves in love with the idea of each other rather than who they really are. Morgan obsessively tries to figure Conner out, at any costs, while Conner is simply using Morgan as a source of happiness, as a source of light, where he has none. She could be a sack of potatoes personality wise and he'd still try to place all his future hope on her.

They are people in love with each other, but people that are not right for each other.

That's more tragic than anything. That's why I think when i called the story a tragedy on one website, i think was the most accurate I have ever been about it. Its a tragedy. Everything is tragic. No one has a happy ending, its just violent truth about depression and love and the way the world works.

I know if I'm ever published people will either see my point or, unfortunately, fall in love with Morgan and Conner's "Love story". But honestly, after reading it several times, I just don't think its as much of a love story as it is a sad story about two kids who tried to find each other together and it didn't work out.

And it not working out, that hope dying, is one of the most tragic things of all.

If I wasn't so manic I'd be crying.

Oh well.

Hope I didn't depress anyone too horribly.

keep up the smiles, you, I mean it. Smiling makes you beautiful, always.

Good night.

Love,

Grace

Day 17.75: Can I just write forever?

I have come to a sad realization...

I really don't like psychology very much. I love my English classes, I love my AP Environmental Science class, but I cannot seem to get myself to happily do the work for psych. Its interesting enough, sure, but I'm not interested enough to want to study it every day.

I fall asleep in class for god's sake's. I'll muster my way through the second half, I'm sure, but Jesus, man. This class just does not work for me.

On the other hand, I have spent all day writing and editing and all that wonderfulness.

I need free writing rehab. I have been writing like a mad person for the past two weeks, wanting to shirk duties for the stuff. I contemplated crying tonight so that I didn't have to go to dance and could pretend to study but actually write more. Who does that?

An ADDICT, that's who.

I need serious help.

I mean, I want to write. I love writing. I might do it as a profession. But honestly, guys, this is an awful way to get things done. Not studying, not sleeping, avoiding friends, avoiding responsibilities, just because I want to write.

Is this how authors get sometimes? Kind of crazy?

If it is, I mean, by all means, I'd love to be told I act like an author. But otherwise, this madness needs to stop. Because its going to start affecting the rest of my life, and that is not very good.

Well, life keeps going, I suppose. We'll just see where my bout of mania takes me next. Because I have no doubt in me that its mania anymore. I'm laughing at sad things, I'm being manipulative, I'm hyper, I'm hypersexual, I'm writing like crazy...

Mania it is. Damn you excessive happiness. Look what you're doing to me.

Best/worst part of mania? If I don't study for psych I'll probably not do well on the test tomorrow, but I honestly don't care at the moment. I don't care about anything but writing.

Dear God(s) whatever or wherever, please help me.

And may they help you, too, for wasting so much time reading this crazy blog.

Still adore you.

Love,

Grace

Day 17.5: Lack of patience and other character flaws

I am losing my shit.

I posted my story, Blue, on Figment and asked for several swaps. And no one, I repeat NO ONE, has honored said swaps yet.

I'm going to lose it.

I have the patience of a flea when it comes to my stories. I swear.

I also have to study for my AP Psych midterm and I am not excited. I do NOT want to do it at all. In comparison with my APES and AP Lit classes, AP Psych is downright boring to me. Is that awful to say? A little bit. I used to think I wanted to go into psychology, but if the basics kill me like this, I don't even know, man.

OH MY GOD EVERY SENTENCE HAS STARTED WITH I. AS A WRITER I WANT TO DIE.

That is a sin in the writing world. variation, man, don't be a repetitive stick in the mud too much. I mean, Jesus.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how annoyed I am with waiting and how much I don't want to study Psych. Such is the struggle of Studious Grace. It'll all get done and be fine, but for the moment i am NOT feeling it.

Oh well. Shit happens.

Smiles, everyone.

Except you jerks who haven't reviewed my stuff yet. No smiles for you.

Love,

Grace

Day 17: College and other messes of life

College. It freaks everyone the fuck out, right?

Its understandable. Between the applications and the cost and the stress of work, it drives a lot of kids bonkers. I feel bad, because I am fortunately stable enough for the crazy. I've already been accepted to where I want to go, I'm working on novels that might help pay for my college, and i know who I want to be, what I want to do, and I already have pretty good work ethic.

But a lot of my friends haven't been accepted yet, don't know how they'll pay for it, don't know how they'll do, what they're doing, and aren't very solid on work ethic. I worry for them. The tremendous trembling that it causes me is terrifying.

Whoops alliteration party over here.

Anyway, its just scary, the future. I feel like I know where I'm going, to be an author or scientist, either studying animal behaviorism or environmental science, or maybe both if I can make the time for it. It just scares me that people don't have plans. I would have lost it by now if I didn't have a plan, I can't even imagine how terrifying it is.

Actually, I can. For a day, I felt it. And it was the most stressful, horrendous day and I cried all day until I got my acceptance letter from my college and everything got better.

But before that, it was utter hell.

I could feel the bile rise up in my throat as I thought of how my friends worried about being accepted or not. I had sent in my only application weeks ago, and had yet to hear back. Suddenly, panic was striking me. I had said thank you at the end of the bloody letter, for god's sakes. How in the world did I expect to get in?

I was pacing around my living room, talking to my mom how I was certain i couldn't have gotten in. No way. No way Jose. It couldn't happen. But at the same time, I knew I'd cry if it didn't happen.

I was freaking out.

My mom was trying to calm me down, but I was on the brink of tears. I could feel every fear of the future bubbling to the surface. What if I didn't get in? What if college didn't work out for me? What if I simply wasn't good enough? (This will be a reoccurring theme in the meltdowns of Grace, so might as well note it now)

Finally, my mom insisted we check the progress indicator online of my application. I tried to quell the panic, insisting to myself they'd be looking at it and I wouldn't get denied yet, and it would all be ok for the moment. That I was safe for a little bit longer.

Yet my stomach still churned, my palms sweated, and as I typed in my ID number, I was to the brink of jumping off the proverbial sanity cliff again. I was jittery as Mexican jumping beans, and my mom put a hand on my shoulder to try to stop my twitching but it didn't happen.

Then, the screen popped up to the application status. And I almost screamed.

'Congratulations, you are accepted'

I cried, right then and there.

It was the first time in my life I had ever cried for joy, and I will never forget it.

Now that pain is over for me, and I only dealt with it for a day. It horrifies me how people who haven't got accepted must feel. I almost feel the bile rise again in my body at the mere thought of going back to waiting. Its killer.

So hopefully, if you also feel this way, you're relieved soon of the pain. I can only imagine what a day would feel like, not weeks or months. I wish the best for everyone dealing with it.

I hope everyone can feel hope come from this, because I felt the panic too, and was saved from it. I hope everyone can feel that, and maybe cry of joy too.

Good luck, you.

Love,

Grace

Day 16.5: Endless story from the pits of hell

Oh my god, I hate how wrapped up in stories I get. I hate how determined i am to know the ending, because, dammit, sometimes I really need to just let it go.

So I was reading a fanfiction (Still am, honestly, I'm a chapter from the end) and i knew I shouldn't get wrapped up in a chapter story romance. I have a disease, especially with romances, that I must know how it ends, even if the coupling or setting or writing sucks. I must know what happens to them. And this long ass story is going to be the death of me.

33 chapters of hell, and I have read almost all of them. Lots of boring adventure and long-winded thoughts, and it was just... Ok, it was a good idea. It was decent writing. Nothing struck me as full on awful, but that's what made it awful... It was so plainly average that I skimmed the fuck out of it but at the same time I couldn't stop reading. I had to know what happened to the characters.

I hate myself. I hate myself so much right now.

I really just want to jump into a deep hole, honestly.

Maybe a volcano.

Anyway, its been awful. So I'm a poor, messed up child and need help. End of story.

And I also have a disease where i check my grades and my figment every few minutes to see if things have changed, which they often haven't. Hahahaha kill me.

Have a better night than me.

Love,

Grace

Day 16: Therapy and other ventures of the heart

I went to therapy today, and we talked about my friend Mandy. It was kind of nice. We basically concluded, my therapist and I, that she may be inconsiderate and a bit self-absorbed, but she must be pretty special for me to stick around this long. So I guess that's a plus. And we decided I should jsut keep a level head and avoid drama and continue being happy.

So I shall do just that!

I might hang out with Kenzie later. I'm excited, because I really love Kenzie. She may have a problem being on her phone a lot, and she does snap sometimes, but I really do love her.

So i think I might have a tiny growth on my arm that's concerning me. I don't know how to feel about it. I probably should go to a doctor about it O_O

People are loving Blue. I'm jumping with joy. I feel kind of bad that the second its done I'm going to delete it from the internet, but at the same time if I'm published i will literally die. Literally.

I would love if Blue was published. Its my baby and I adore it. Its a realistic fiction, a social commentary, a drama, a romance, and can even being happy and funny sometimes though its dark, sad nature.

I just love it. I can't wait for it to be fully finished.

Thank you for listening to my psychobabble about it, honestly. I try not to rant too much about it in front of friends, but its hard sometimes haha.

I just love writing, its apart of my soul.

I can't wait to see where writing takes me.

Hope you smile today.

Love,

Grace

Day 15: Blue and other commitments I've made

So, I am halfway done with Blue, again.

This must be confusing, I know. I just recently said I completely finished it. But yet again... I decided to revamp it to make it better. It is now much longer than before, and I am in love with it all over again. Its awesome.

Basically, I just mean to say I've revamped half of it and I'm working on the second half now. What joy, right? I'm somewhere between annoyingly impatient and really excited for this development. I'd love for it to be done NOW, but its kind of fun writing it all out again.

 I'm just excited in general, honestly. I love the story and i can't wait for it to be finished.

If anyone's interested, here's the link to it, if you want to read the finished first half, up to chapter 31:

http://figment.com/books/633624-Blue

So how are you?

I wish you could answer. We could have some sort of conversation, back and forth, about our lives maybe. Maybe we could really care for each other, become close friends, or even fall in love. Who knows?

No one. That's what's so thrilling and terrifying about life. No one knows quite how it will work out.

Ok, I'm now rambling like some strange, old philosopher. I probably should get off the blog.

Cheers, you.

Love,

Grace

Day 14: (possibly) Committing one of the deadly sins of friendship

I have done it. I don't know, maybe I haven't really. Its confusing.

Regardless, I may have committed one of the friendship deadly sins.

I'm flirting with a guy my friend might like.

I know this isn't a big deal in the long run of life, I know very well this kind of shit won't matter in the future. But its the truth.

Its confusing where I really stand in this, though, because I liked him first, a long while ago, then she practically jumped on him.  Which should really be her offense, because it was kind of rude for me to tell her I had a baby crush on him and then literally jump on him like a stripper to a pole.

And not only that, but she's hooked up with my first love (Granted long after I was done with him) and flirted with boys my other friend really cares about. Its just inconsiderate and rude and thoughtless. I really hate that about her, the way she has no restraint or even thought when it comes to guys, and seems to be more interested in them when her friends like them, like its suddenly some competition to her.

Its kind of sickening, honestly.

My best guy friend, Michael, is totally sick of her shit and calls her a witch now. I feel bad but at the same time kind of agree with him.

I've gotten to the point that I'm hoping mildly unfortunate things will happen to her just so she stops feeling so high and mighty like she's above all her friends. That's awful to do, and as her friend I feel guilty, but another part of me feels no guilt.

By the way, this is the friend I always complain about. Mandy. So for clarification, this is the one that pissed me off. The one that yelled at me. The one who did this, who did that, i am so bothered by her lately I cannot even make a list of what I have complained about her doing. Eeks.

But anyway I feel bad because she may like this guy, but at the same time, I liked him originally and I do like talking to him now, so what can I really do? If she's done the same thing to me, it can't really be a crime against her by now. Oh well, if she gets pissed off for me talking to him, screw her. I'm not taking her bullshit anymore.

Good talk, thanks, its nice to rant and get things out.

Have a lovely night, you.

Love,

Grace

Day 13: Thanks for the memories

One more night and one more time, thanks for the memories, even if they weren't so great.

Dude, that is how I feel with some of my friends sometimes haha its a mess.

GODDAMMIT I DID IT AGAIN, I REVIEWED AND THEN IGNORED MY BLOG. I HATE MYSELF.

Ok maybe I don't quite hate myself. But still, I must stop doing this .We must stop meeting this way, you and I.

Anyway, I had a really lovely conversation with two friends, no sarcasm, about love and life and other friends and relationships. It was really deep and nice, I really loved it.

We talked about a friend of ours, Mandy, that can be really irritating sometimes. We love her, truly, but she just does some really inconsiderate shit sometimes and there is no good way to tell her or confront her about it without it blowing up into a huge fight.

Problem is, she flirts too much. She flirts too much for anyone's comfort. And i guess that's fine, when its not the guys we have serious feelings for. But of course, its the guys we have serious feelings for.

Problem?

I think yes...

It just hurts when your friend is going after someone that you care or cared about. Its just kind of in friend code not to do that sort of thing. But, alas, our dear Mandy is sically awkward. Not in the traditional sense, no, she knows how to talk to people, she just doesn't understand what's not ok to say or do. And its frustrating because there's no way to tell her that she does this without upsetting her.

People, man. People are a mess.

I don't have much else to say but I'm busy editing, like normal. Whoot! Its exciting!

Anyway, have a nice night.

Love,

Grace

Day 12.5: Snow white and the seven dicks

I dunno, I just get a feeling a lot of my friends are kind of awful to me, and I need to work on making new ones. I have some friends in this computer science class I have, (Har har, yes, I'm such a nerd) who are pretty great actually. I feel like... me around them. More of a me than the restrained one around some of my other friends.

And i seem to get along better with boys. No, this is not the same old 'i like boys better than girls, girl suck, blah blah' mantra. I hate that mantra. I wish that mantra would just go die in a hole.

I like girls. I like to be around them, and hell knows that sleepovers with them telling secrets can be a lot of fun.

But the thing is, I love video games. I love making dirty jokes, and inappropriate jokes, and not having to worry about not being offensive, and sometimes I just like being a 'guy'. Nothing has to be serious, but when it does get serious, it happens and someone kicks your ass into feeling better and you get through it.

I truly don't like female coddling even though I tend to do it. Or maybe its not just females, maybe its just the certain females I hang out with. I miss people who when I was sad either told me I was being ridiculous or made me laugh until I was crying for entirely lovely reasons.

I miss eighth grade or ninth grade, no matter how awful as hell those years might have been. But then I had really good friends. I want them back.

Even Alan, the annoying prick who I hated to love sometimes.

Oh, dear lord, the stories I have to tell you about Alan sometimes. He and I are quite a mess.

Beyond a mess...

Everything involving him is a mess honestly haha .

Let's simply just say I've been in love with him several times, and he was in love with me once, and its been a mess ever since. Now we're friends, sort of, who only hang out in groups or text, rarely one on one. Which I don't quite mind but at the same time do because we used to be close. Real close, as in best friends close.

He's kind of an asshole of a disaster now, but I still care about him. He was my first love.

Anyway, I miss having stable, good friends, not friends that frustrated me every second. I miss having friends on the same page as me.

I miss who i was back then. Not the whiny, lovesick part, but the happy, tons of friends, trotting around like she owned the world Grace.

I miss Shannon, Alan, Jeremy, Ashley.... I miss all of them.

I miss a lot of things, I miss how they used to be.

Well that took a depressing turn.

Oh well.

Good night, I suppose.

Love,

Grace

Day 12: Mornings and their songs

So, I haven't always been a person.

I once was a meerkat, but once I found I was too large for their tunnels they kicked me out. 

I'm totally kidding. Today, this morning, I mean to say I haven't always been a morning person. I used to be a strict night owl, only liking it when it was dark outside. But then middle school hit, and I became the girl who was still hyper as hell and barely slept. I went to bed about midnight or one, woke up at about six. I certainly didn't need to wake up that early, I just liked it. I'm weird. 

And the best part is I'm not saying I'm not still a night person. I still stay up until at least midnight most nights, but now I normally wake at five thirty. O_O 

When you finally say it on paper it sounds a lot worse than it actually feels. I feel totally comfortable with only about six hours of sleep. It is my norm, and I could probably be fine on less. Not completely agreeable, but fine. 

I like not picking either a lot better than picking one, because either you stay up too late and sleep in like crazy, which sucks, or wake up too early and go to bed at an annoyingly early time. 

I fortunately have no downsides to my arrangement. 

HOW EXCITING IS THAT?

Ok, its morning, you probably don't enjoy being shouted at. But cmon, its at least a little bit exciting.

I'm excited!

Oh, and finals start today. Wish me luck! I may need it haha

Happy morning to you! 

Love, 

Grace